29
September
2006

Dr. David Chamberlain’s Address to the Graduates of the Santa Barbara Graduate Institute, July 21, 20060

 David Chamberlain is the author of The Mind of your Newborn Baby (1989/1998) and co-founder of the Association for Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology and Health (APPPAH). He is editor of the APPPAH website and a core faculty member of The Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He offered me the use of his address to the graduates of 2006, and I am grateful and honoured to share it with you here.

 


About Real Babies

by David B. Chamberlain, Ph.D

Introduction

I am honored to address you on this special day.

It is a day of many miracles, is it not?

The first miracle is that we are all here, sitting in our respective places, all according to our dream, our plan. You chose to be here.

Santa Barbara Graduate Institute is a unique school and it is a miracle that it came into existence. But it was not an accident. There were parents–not the kind of parents who wake up one morning and say, "Oh my god, we’re pregnant!" No. This baby was planned.

This school is not a place of easy miracles. This is not a Country Club or Party School! Being here is serious business requiring steady intellectual effort, and discipline driven by purpose. You have met the goal you set for yourself.

Finally, it is our miracle to sit together in a true community of scholars: friends, fellow teachers, learners all. This too was no accident; it was part of the original vision of the founders, Marty Glenn and Ken Bruer. We are grateful to you, Marty and Ken, for this community!

In this graduate school, I dare say, the central miracle is the baby–not just any baby, but what I like to call the real baby.

Babies are powerful beings with a huge mission. On arrival, they turn women into mothers, men into fathers, and couples into families. They humanize us, teach us tenderness, and inspire attachment. If we let them, they lead us toward a true civilization. And for all this, they get no particular credit for a magnificent effort!

I did not always know this about babies. In 1958, when I received my Ph.D. in psychology, I knew very little about the mind of a baby–not because I was not listening in classes but because my teachers didn’t know either.

My sudden plunge into the baby psyche came in 1974 when I took a course in the clinical applications of hypnosis and suddenly discovered memories I never knew existed, memories of birth and life in the womb! I quickly learned that babies were radically different from the babies being presented in psychology and in medicine.

Example. Freud’s idea of "infantile amnesia" that no one has any real memories before three years of age, had saturated psychological and medical thinking since its introduction in 1916. Although I knew in 1974 the theory could not be true, it was not until 1996 that a culmination of brilliant experimental research proved the whole theory false. I now refer to this as "80 years of scientific amnesia" about baby mind and memory–denying parents and professionals a true idea of what babies were like!

Another example was the large discrepancy between the actual senses of babies and the few senses acknowledged by the scientific community. In 1975¸ touch seemed merely reflexive; hearing was dampened (if not drowned) in the liquid environment of the womb; vision was primitive, blocked by closed eyelids and distorted by water; and the sense of smell was judged "impossible" without air. None of these scientific beliefs turned out to be true. Today, I can count at least twelve senses working in utero.

As I look back on the 20th Century, I see this gap as part of a larger problem of "shrinking" the real baby in psychology and medicine. Along with the shrinking of memory and the senses, there was a parallel shrinking of emotions, intelligence, learning, and the baby’s sense of "self." All this shrinking was ultimately justified because a prenate or newborn did not yet have sufficient brain matter to support any of the human activities above .

In my personal experience with babies, however, they were not shrinking; they were expanding in all dimensions. They were learning all kinds of things (whether we wanted them to or not), they were forming beliefs about parents and themselves, and were arriving at decisions that were definitely not good for them. Indeed, they kept me busy inventing a therapy to help them identify and resolve these problems.

I was discovering that babies had what I would now call an innate sense of self, memory, intelligence, virtue, awareness, and knowing. They were capable of storing out-of-body experiences and even near-death experiences in response to abortion attempts and the loss of a twin in utero, meaning that they were capable of profound experiences whether they had full bodies or brains or not. For most of the 20th century, scientific studies missed this baby.

Eventually, I came to the awkward conclusion that scientists in medicine and psychology were "hallucinating" babies to suit themselves! They were "making up" babies who fit into their own prejudiced and materialistic beliefs about what babies ought to be like, but their babies were not true to the facts.

Surprisingly, many of these hallucinations continue today in traditional obstetrics. Since it is well established that babies have a keen thermal sense and hate being cold, every cold birth is evidence for hallucination. The ritual is endlessly repeated: babies screaming in protest and doctors smiling as if everything is perfect! In our time, what is more characteristic of babies born in hospitals than the noise of their crying? How did this become standard in obstetrics? Babies are still doing their part by communicating their distress as loudly as possible, but doctors appear deaf and unaffected by what is happening. They seem content with the hallucination that everything is fine the way it is.

As a group, obstetricians seem content with the hallucination that babies are not equipped to experience pain, remember pain, or find any meaning in pain–a belief that has continued in medicine for centuries. Is it not still everyday practice to jab newborn heels for blood, to needle babies with drugs and vitamins, and to cut off male foreskins–while smiling and reassuring bystanders that pain will have no effect? How about holding babies upside-down and putting them down on flat surfaces? Or routinely separating babies and mothers? Is it unfair to ask when the doctors who deliver 98% of babies in our country today will wake from their hallucinations and stop violating sentient babies?

But why am I bringing this up at your graduation?

Because I am talking about our roots, our mission, and our contribution to society. You have your work cut out for you in representing the real baby, not some scientific fiction or fraction of a baby. If we don’t pursue this, who will?

Wendy McCarty has made a perceptive observation comparing developmental psychology and prenatal and perinatal psychology. She said, in developmental psychology they talk about babies, but in pre- and perinatal psychology, we talk to babies. I believe that this is the real secret of our success and the source of our authority. In our field, we may come by different paths but I believe we passionately converge on the whole baby. Ray Castellino and colleagues, and William Emerson and colleagues are all talking to babies, just as Myriam Szejer and colleagues in Paris are talking to babies, except that over there, they are speaking to newborns in plain French. This audience tonight is packed with people who are talking to babies, and in other ways extending the boundaries of what we used to think was true about them. I applaud you as explorers on this new frontier.

I am interested these days in the growing literature of parent reports describing how they were contacted, in one way or another, by future babies before they were conceived, sometimes long before. In the past, I want to remind you, parent reports were not considered valuable by academic researchers trying to understand babies. Parent testimony was obviously biased, and was automatically dismissed. In my opinion, we pay a high price for not listening to what people have to report!

One of my favorites is the story of a "baby" who succeeded in getting the attention of his future mother and startled her by saying, "Mom, when are you going to be ready for me?" "Who are you?" she asked, and he said clearly, "I am Timothy, your son!" This encounter proved unforgettable. Much later, when she did conceive and deliver a baby, she was sure she was experiencing the same personality she had encountered earlier. Today, hundreds of these spontaneous reports are circulating. In fact, I can add that whenever I mention this literature, hands go up in the audience and mothers volunteer the fact that they had that experience with their own children.

What I love about the implications of this startling research is the same thing I came to love about near-death experiences when I first read about them in 1975. At that time, when I was first trying to explain birth memories, critics would say babies couldn’t have these memories because they did not have the brains to do it. What I learned from the near-death reports was that nobody ever took their brains with them on these journeys! Something else was needed to account for the profound encounters, thoughts, life-reviews, and big decisions that they made and stored. I realized then that babies were demonstrating to me the same mysterious (human) faculties–apart from brain matter–that could explain their astute awareness before conception and the times following. Therefore, I welcome this new evidence from real parents adding to our understanding of the consciousness which we all have, parents and babies alike.

I think it is our mission to illuminate the whole baby, and to draw more and more people–both parents and professionals–into a full and constructive dialog with them.

In closing, I’m sure I speak for other members of the faculty in expressing our congratulations on your graduation. You have surely earned the confidence we have in you. We are proud to have played a part in your education. As future leaders in our field, we trust that you will take our places when we are gone!

***

3
September
2006

Article: Is Your Role As a Parent Taking Over Your Identity? (click here to leave a comment)1

Did you long to be a mom or dad?  Did you wait and
wait for the time you could parent?

Or were you someone who loved your life, and was
ambivalent to give up that freedom to become a parent?

Either way, you could find yourself in a position
of resenting your baby as you give up more and
more of what you love to do, and more and more
of your time with your spouse and your friends,
to be the parent you want to be.   

How do you learn to balance your needs with your
baby's needs?

A good question. And a big one.

I was someone who started dreaming of being a
mother when I was still in high school.  Birth
control for me was spending as much time as I
could with other peoples' kids, to ease the longing.

I was also good with kids, and enjoyed it, so
when I did become a mother, I fell into it willingly
and naturally.

And it was all too easy to give up whatever life
I had outside of my role as a parent. I hardly even
noticed until my daughter was four years old, and I
split up with my husband. Suddenly, I was not able
to be the parent I had been for so long. I had to get
a job, find a preschool for Sidra, and I noticed I
didn't have much identity outside of being a mother.

To me, a good mom was always being there for my
daughter. Taking her with me wherever I went, rarely
needing a babysitter, and responding immediately to
her every need. 

Now I was finding that putting everything I was into
motherhood set up two things: 1) a feeling of guilt
that if I wasn't able to continue, I was being a
"bad mom." And 2) it put Sidra in charge.

I began running my decisions about parenting from
that place of guilt, and to avoid feeling it, Sidra
- unbeknownst to me - was "in charge."  Her every
need took precedence over anything I needed and it
cost us.

How could putting your child first be "wrong?"

It isn't wrong, but it can have consequences in the
long term that are difficult to see when your baby
is still young.  It's true that as a parent of an
infant, we do need to prioritize differently than
if our child is older. But it's possible to take
it too far, and set up a long-term problem of the
child running the show.

It is possible to have such high standards, that
you give the message to your child that they are
more important than you are…setting up a culture
in your family that the parents' aren't important
or deserving of respect…that the children's needs
and wants always take priority.

So how do you recognize and shift a pattern like
this?

First of all, ask yourself, "Do I have enough time
with my partner or friends?"  And, "Do I spend any
time nurturing myself, my spirituality, my hobbies?" 
If the answer is no, you might be allowing your baby
to "take over" your identity.

Secondly, understand that by taking time for yourself
and your relationships, you model self-worth for your
child. Your baby will absorb the value that it's
important to treat herself well, as well as plant the
seeds for respecting you when she's older.

But where's the line? How do you know when to put
yourself first, and when to put your baby first?

To answer that, you need to first separate NEEDS
from WANTS for both you and your baby, and then
prioritize them. Roughly, it goes:
 
1) baby's needs
2) your needs
3) YOUR wants
4) Your baby's wants

Okay, I know this might be difficult to take in.
But it's true. Your wants can come before your
baby's wants…or at the very least, have as much
importance. Choosing what goes in each of the
above categories is not always black and white.
It will be individual for everyone, but there are
some guidelines to help you.

See "Things to Remember when prioritizing NEEDS
and WANTS" below.

Things to Remember when prioritizing NEEDS and WANTS:

- Ask yourself what kind of a parent will you be if you DON'T
  take time for yourself.  What do YOU need to be the parent
  you want to be? Do you need to be nurturing your career?
  Do you need to quit your job and be at home? Do you need an
  hour each night for a long, relaxing bath? Do you need to
  join a gym and have your baby in group care for a few hours
  a day?  It really depends on what is going to help you feel
  more like yourself as you parent.

- Decide what you're doing daily that other's can help with.
  Can someone else watch your baby and play with her at a
  park or go for a walk while you do something for yourself?

  This can be a difficult option if you don't feel you
  can trust anyone else to take care of your baby the way
  you can.  Acknowledge that NO ONE can take
  care of your baby the way you can and you need to take
  time for yourself. It is okay to find someone
  who can care for your baby and keep them safe and well while
  you are away. Your baby probably will have a reaction to
  being with someone new. This is an opportunity. By
  allowing them to have an experience with another adult
  who is different from you, you are helping them to build
  inner strengths of coping, and understanding that there
  are different people in the world.

- Understand that your adult relationships including the
  basic parent relationship is of HUGE importance. If you
  are a couple your relationship together is a major
  source of strength and stability to you and your child.
  It is vital that you spend time nurturing your adult relationships.

- If you don't feel okay about leaving your child, (provided
  you have met their needs, and they are safe) your child will
  sense that, and it may affect his ability to feel okay about it.
  It's important, if you are feeling guilty for nurturing yourself,
  in whatever form that takes, to look more deeply at what that might
  be about for you. Bottom line, if you are okay about taking time
  for you, you give yourself the space to empathize with your baby
  without guilt, and teach him valuable lessons about who he is in
  relationship to the world.

Allow the process of integrating who you were before the birth
of your baby with your new parental role. It may take a while,
but it's important to give yourself permission to sink deeply
into who you were before your baby came once in a while. Over
time, the balance will be more natural, and easier to find.