15
October
2006
Have you heard that it's good for your baby if you
talk to her a lot?
Most parents have. And most parents do.
But also, most parents don't really believe that
their baby hears more than a foreign language, or
that they understand anything that's being said.
Sometimes, that's true. Your baby may not understand
what you say because you are speaking in the complex
adult language, because you speak quickly, and don't
leave time in between what you say for baby to "get"
it.
But they can and often do understand language.
What? How? They are so small, their brains aren't yet
developed enough!
These are good questions.
Babies aren't developed enough to speak with words yet
- but if you use sign language, you can see even young
babies have motor skills allowing them to communicate
in English. Its an indication that babies are able
to understand.
Even more profound, anecdotal reports from psychologists
and therapists who have used regression and hypnosis
with their clients have shown that as babies - even those
unborn - they understand what is said around them, about
them and to them.
And they remember feeling frustrated that the adults
in their life didn't know they understood.
I was caring for a baby boy a few times a week
whose mother was under a lot of stress due to the
failing health of her mother. The baby was getting
fussier and harder to soothe. I suggested to Mom that
she tell him what's going on - that Grandma was dying
and that she was sad and had a lot of feelings that
weren't about him. She did, and apologized to him for not
being as present as she wanted to be, and reassured him.
His mood improved during the week, and when I came over
the next few times he'd look deeply at me, and
I'd say, "Yep, it's your turn to cry now."
He would cry and cry and cry while I held him and
reassured him and empathized with him.
He knew something was going on around him, but until
his mother told him what it was, he was disoriented
and confused. I believe he also understood that
his mother wasn't emotionally able to support his own
feelings of stress unless I was there to support
them both. He waited for his big meltdowns for when
I was present and could hear him deeply.
Also, since babies rely solely on emotions and body
language to communicate, they are very fluent in
this way of communicating - meaning they can sense
what someone is feeling and showing, and if it matches
the words spoken or not.
It is very disorienting to a baby to have words that
don't match the real feelings or truth about what is
going on or being communicated. In the example above,
the baby's mother was trying to act as if it was all
okay when she was playing with her baby - but he knew
it wasn't. The discrepancy is what was most stressful
for him. It can be scary for a baby, or feel like
there's no solid ground, when such a discrepancy
exists.
So, if my baby understands me, now what?
Well, it opens up a big box of possibilities
doesn't it?
And a bit more effort on the part of the caring adults
to include the baby in conversations, in plans, and in
situations that concern them.
Believe me, it matters. For example, sharing who
is coming over for dinner helps a baby feel oriented
to a change in the evening routine.
Asking your baby if they want to be held by Grandma,
and waiting for an indication of a yes or no, (and then
honouring what is communicated) is a powerful thing.
It can be very reassuring to a teething or sick baby
that they aren't going to be feeling awful forever.
Explain what sick is, what teeth are, and what is
happening. Many times, the discomfort is fear and
lack of understanding about what is happening to them.
When you begin to notice that what you say and do
(and think and feel!) in the presence of your infant
matters, you can begin to resolve dilemmas, support
how your baby is feeling, and have more clarity
in your role as parent.
***Suggestions for communicating with your baby:
1. See the world from your baby's perspective. This
takes practice, but can be very helpful. What would
it be like to have dad playing on the floor with baby
and suddenly jump up and disappear (to answer the phone?)
2. Watch closely what your baby is doing before moving
him. Is your baby fascinated by a bird out the window?
Notice it with him, and then tell him that you are going
to move him away to (for example) change his diaper and
pause before actually doing it.
3. Pay close attention to how you are feeling, and name
it to your baby. "I am tired and cranky…you probably
notice that. It isn't about you - I just had a hard day.
Thanks for putting up with me!"
4. Name what is going on for your baby. "Oh. I see you
like playing with that toy." It is very orienting to a
baby to have their actions and feelings named.
5. When you tell your baby something, speak slowly,
repeat yourself and pause to wait for a response from
your baby. Looking away, a grin, getting fussy are
some of the ways your baby may indicate a response.
Thank your baby for telling you, and respect her request.
In some cases, waiting may not be appropriate, for
example: The radio gets turned on, and turned up too
loudly. Baby fusses or looks scared, and disoriented.
"Oh, you look uncomfortable and scared. Is the radio
too loud? Let me turn it down…there is that better?
I'm glad you let me know it was bothering you!"
Good luck, and best wishes to you and your family!
Posted: Newsletter, infant communication
3
October
2006
Recently a client told me she'd promised herself never to feel guilty
as a mom after her baby was born, but that, "As soon as he popped
out, up popped the guilt!"
Why do we feel so guilty?
We love our children, that's why. And we want what's best for them.
As we become more and more aware of helpful ways to raise them, the
pressure increases to "do it right." Or, in different words, to
"not do it wrong." In our culture we are subject to the myth,
"happy baby = good parent." And if baby isn't happy, then we feel guilty.
I was helping a family with their baby several years ago, and they
were having a hard time with his ability to ride in the car seat.
His mother felt tremendously guilty every time she had to strap him in.
He would cry and cry throughout the entire car ride, and because she
believed she was doing something wrong (he was clearly not happy, there
must be something wrong) she eventually began to plan her days around
his difficulty with the car seat.
She stayed home more, waited to do errands until the evening or had her
husband do them, sent her regrets for invitations out when her baby
was invited, or got a babysitter.
She wanted to "do it right" and to her, that was met when her baby
was happy. Unfortunately, she wasn't happy. She felt isolated, burdened
and resentful of her baby. She was in a double bind. She couldn't
take him anywhere when she felt guilty doing so, and felt trapped when
she organized her life around this issue. As she got more and more upset,
so did her baby. He started sleeping irregularly, becoming irritable,
and clingy. Mom didn't like doing errands when her husband had just
gotten home, as it began affecting her relationship to a small degree as well.
When we got to the bottom of the issue - her guilt - and worked with it,
she realized that as his mother, it was okay for her to require things
of him that he didn't like that were for his safety, and ultimately for
the benefit of the whole family. She learned how to empathize with his
upset about the car seat, but remain confident that he was going to be okay.
The entire dynamic shifted in their family relatively quickly.
Learning to parent your baby is an ongoing process. Each day, each
development phase is new, and you are also changing as your baby grows.
Your needs change, as your baby's needs change.
If you are feeling guilty about any choices you've made, it can influence
your parenting in ways you may be unaware of. In fact, if you feel guilty
about something you have done, you put your child in charge of your
relationship.
What? How is that true?
Well, if you are feeling guilt, you are probably lacking confidence
about your actions. There is a "should have" or a "should not have"
in your thinking somewhere, and you feel regret without acceptance.
When you feel that way, you look to your baby to help you know that
you are an okay parent. How is my baby doing? Could be on some level,
"Please be doing okay so I can feel confident." Your choices and decisions
become based on your infant giving you "permission" to parent the way you
do. Just like in the example above where the baby had become in charge of
the daily activities, when the errands got done, and when his parents were
going to spend time together and as a family.
Doing this puts your confidence as a parent in your baby's hands.
And believe me, they feel it, and learn early that it's important to
take care of you (by not crying, sleeping well, being happy) in order
for their needs to be met. And it can be frightening for such a small
being to not have a parent that knows what they are doing.
Of course, you want to parent to your baby's needs, and one way to
determine that is their happiness. However, when that precludes your
own intuition, or the health of you or your family, you then are unable
to find solid footing for your choices. When will you be able to relax
with confidence that you are able to parent your baby in a way that works
for you BOTH?
We forget sometimes, that our needs are important too, and that being
confident about our parenting style and choices is perhaps more important
to our children than the style itself, barring abusive actions.
There are many ways to raise your child….and healthy, happy children
result from most of them. And it helps exponentially to let go of guilt,
and be the parent of your child in loving confidence, rather than your
child needing to assure you she's okay.
How can you learn to notice when guilt is a driving factor in your
parenting and what can you do about it? See below for tips to eliminating
guilt from your parenting.
Tips for eliminating guilt from your parenting:
- Your job isn't to keep your baby happy at all times.
Your job is to make decisions that will support them
in their growth, even if those decisions are for your
own self-care, or something they don't like. And then,
your job is to empathize and listen and help them
integrate any feelings that come up around the choices
you have made.
- Learn to trust yourself. Remember that no matter what,
your baby will be most likely fine. It's okay to make
mistakes, and the trust can come for you by knowing
that mistakes are okay for everyone. It's how we learn,
and you've NEVER parented THIS baby before. Trust that
whatever mistakes you think you made, are for you and
your baby to learn from.
- Babies are resilient. Although they can be affected
by small things, and are very sensitive to be sure,
they are also very sensitive to YOUR confidence level,
and need more than anything, for you to feel good about
your ability to be their mother or father.
- Get support for yourself when you feel that you've made
a mistake. Find someone who can empathize with your
fears and regrets, but can also assure you that you
are the parent, and your baby will be fine. Humility
as a parent is a quality that can help with this.
With humility, you can accept gracefully your regrets,
without putting your baby in charge of any future
choices you have.
You will be surprised at how easily shifts can occur when
you make a decision out of confidence, and with love for
yourself as well as your baby.
Posted: Newsletter, parenting issues