20
November
2006
I came across this article in blogging baby (click for full article). Briefly, it says, "Judith Rich Harris believes that parents have no influence over personality, emotional well-being, or intelligence of their offspring." The author citing this quote was asking how can this be?
Here's my reply:
I believe it is obvious that parenting affects children's behaviour and emotional well-being, and intelligence. But as for outcome in life or personality parental influence is just one factor. Other factors include (but are not limited to) life expereiences, the inherent personality/temperment of the child, and other supportive people in their lives.
I do think that what she's saying is that today's parents often try too hard to provide everything for their kids and kids don't get the chance to develop self esteem thru overcoming adversity.
I don't think self esteem is something parents can GIVE or PROTECT…it is earned and developed by facing adversity in life and getting thru it successfully. If adversity isn't provided (i.e., life is so good b/c of "ultra perfect" parenting) then kids may create their own adversity thru acting out, developing fears and nightmares, attracting situations or making choices that result in adversity.
Personality is a combo of nature and nurture. Environment and genetics are so linked biologically it's nearly impossible to separate them. I have found with my clients, and in my own healing that beliefs about self can develop very early - prenatally/birth and early infancy. These "beliefs" about self then guide us in our life, our decisions, how we interpret the world around us and our relationships.
And of course, parents are a big part of that, but not the only factor, and certainly not necessarily an overriding one.
What are your thoughts?
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, parenting issues
19
November
2006
I had a miscarriage a few years before my daughter was born. It was a "late miscarriage" and I was completely devastated.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was terrified that I would lose her too, and requested an ultrasound. My midwife doesn't normally send her patients to get ultrasounds, but understood my need to "see" my baby alive and kicking.
I talked to my unborn baby beforehand…told her that she would hear a high pitched sound, and when she heard that daddy and I would be able to see her. During the ultrasound, the baby we saw raised her hand up to her head and opened and closed her fingers. Even the tech was startled at how she seemed to be waving at us. We waved back of course!
I haven't noticed any "problems" with Sidra's brain development in the last decade, but I am very aware that not all is understood with sonagrams. I have heard and read about language delays, neurons being "derailed" and have pretty much decided we don't know enough about this technology to use it without medical concerns being the reason.
There is so much we don't know about our current technology. There is a lot we don't know about the early brain development of babies. But there is a lot we do know, and much we are learning daily, about how they are sentient even before birth, how they can be included in what is happening to them and around them, and how talking to our babies helps them orient to the world they are in.
Talking to our babies, and listening to them can occur even before birth, and most definitly after. Maybe we unintentionally put them in harms way when we subject them to technology we believe is safe when it's not, but we can help them cope with the emotional distress of confusing and upsetting experiences by honoring their experiences, empathizing, and supporting them to heal.
I believe it is possible. The field of prenatal and perinatal psychology is showing this too, in many ways. Care to explore it with me?
Any thoughts on this?
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology
18
November
2006
Some friends of mine just had a new baby girl and I was compelled to write this issue about one way that newborns can sense their environment that you might not be fully aware of.
NOTE: Newborns can and do use many more senses than just the following, but I am limited by space in this article, so am focusing on one I believe is MOST interesting - hearing.
First we'll back up to before your baby is born, for the capabilities of newborns don't just start at the time of birth. My mom likes to tell about how I had the hiccups in utero every night at 1 a.m., and that after birth, I continued to have them at that same time! Indeed, babies behave similar to how they behaved both before and after their birth.
If you see your newborn sucking her fingers for instance, it's likely that she did that prior to birth as well. Sometimes sleep times/patterns are mirrored to that of when you experienced sleep or activity from your unborn baby. So activities and rhythms of the day can influence patterns and behaviour of a newborn…
But did you know that babies can hear very clearly while in the womb?
It used to be thought that what babies heard was a muffled version of the outside sounds, rather like what you hear if you're listening while submerged under water.
What has been discovered is that unborn babies can actually hear extremely clearly while in the womb. You see, when we are submerged, the reason sound is muffled is because our inner ear is filled with air and the sound bounces around that.
But an unborn baby's inner ear is filled with fluid, which acts as a conductor. An experieriment included placing a microphone inside a womans womb that was designed to simulate the capabilities of an unborn baby's hearing. Researchers were shocked to find a newborn can hear even very specific sounds like footsteps walking out the door, the door closing and opening and clearly could distinguish voices.
In addition to the very loud sounds of mom's biology (heartbeat, stomach and bowel rumbles are the loudest) newborns can hear things as loud or louder and more distinctly than they will be able to once born.
So after birth, when your baby seems to recognize specific voices, and other daily sounds, it's because he does recognize them. He has been listening in for a long time on all the sounds you've been making, learning and growing according to what the sounds are teaching him about life outside the womb.
There are many stories of women having to leave loud concerts or violent movies because their unborn baby was reacting so strongly to the sounds. And other stories of babies being soothed by specific music, songs and stories that were played, sung and read to them prior to birth.
But that's not all…
Not only are they hearing in the womb, but research indicates that they are actually learning language and speech in there too! Researchers have taken "cryprints" - as individual as fingerprints - of newborns, and found they are chock full of the rhythms, intonations and speech patterns similar to the mother's, and specific to the language spoken. They have since found that before birth, babies are exercising the muscles they will be using to make such patterns in speech.
When the newborns from mothers who were deaf or mute were studied they found that the babies had a very strange cry, or didn't cry at all, indicating that not hearing mom's voice may have been like missing a speech lesson.
What did your baby hear before he was born?
What does your baby hear now?
Now, combine the knowledge that your baby can hear very well with the fact that they also understand what we say (see article: "Can my baby really understand what I say?"), and reflect about what was said or spoken about your baby during the pregnancy.
Did you talk to, or about your unborn and newborn infant? Are warm, loving, accepting thoughts primarily what she hears about herself? Did you, and do you assure your baby that he is wanted and loved, and safe?
If so, you have a very lucky baby!!!
Now reflect on your own experience. What might people have said in your presence when you were very young, or not even born yet? Are there any patterns you see in your life that match what you know about your very early messages?
If you'd like to explore this more, click on the title of this article. You'll be taken to a page where you can ask more questions, reflect and get feedback.
Let's talk!
Posted: Newsletter, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication
15
November
2006
Some folks have been confused about how to reply to a post and leave comments.
No problem. Just click on the TITLE of the post you wish to respond to, you'll be taken to a page where you can reply.
Posted: Technical help with this blog
15
November
2006
By no means an exhaustive list, here's some "starter" books for anyone intersted in the foundational theories of what I do.
They are in my opinion, wonderful overviews of the consciousness and awareness of infants.
- The Mind of Your Newborn Baby. Dr. David Chamberlain (1988/1998); Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books.
- The Biology of Belief: Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter, and Miracles. Dr. Bruce Lipton (2005). Santa Rosa, CA: Mountain of Love/Elite Books.
- The Secret Life of the Unborn Child. Thomas Verny and John Kelly (1981/1986); New York: Dell.
- Tomorrow's Baby: The Art and Science of Parenting from Conception Through Infancy. Dr. Thomas Verny and Pamela Weintraub (2002); New York: Simon and Schuster. NOTE: The new paperback edition of this book has a new title - Pre-Parenting, nurturing your child from conception.
More to come, or add your own!
Posted: Favourite books, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication
14
November
2006
Did anyone see Oprah's show on Monday, November 13?
What are some thoughts that you have about the language of babies, vocalizations that have defininte meanings?
I think it's incredible - and goes hand in hand with learning to listen to your baby and talk to them. Evidence that babies indeed have a sentient mind, can think and communicate!
I am very interested!!
Posted: infant communication
2
November
2006
Did your baby sleep…well, like a baby, for the first few months, and then suddenly stop sleeping?
It can be so frustrating, when you've gotten used to a regular bedtime routine, been able to look forward to a few hours - if not all night - of a break, and suddenly your baby goes on a sleep strike.
You might be feeling at a loss as to what to do. Why don't the same methods work anymore? What's going on with your baby? You may wonder if something is wrong, if he's teething, if he's sick…is this going to last forever?
Most information will tell you it might be teething, or a normal phase or a growth spurt. These might indeed be accurate, but I am offering another idea to consider.
One thing that doesn't get much attention is what's going on now, in your life, that might be affecting the stress level of your baby? And of those things, are any of them possible triggers of past memories of emotionally upsetting experiences?
Those are big questions, with some big statements behind them.
Past experiences? What do you mean?
Ask yourself the following questions:
- Has there been any change in routine recently? (Mom going back to work, an illness in the family, more stress than usual…)
- What is the emotion behind the waking up? Is your baby happily playing, and just not tired? Is she crying? And if so, is she sounding angry, sad, or scared?
- What happened in the past - prenatally or during birth or early infancy - that might have been upsetting for your baby? If you aren't sure that your baby can remember any of that, let's just say she can, allow yourself to be open to the possibility. Was she separated from you at birth? Was there any obstetric intervention that may have been scary for her, like forceps, Cesarean section, or cord around her neck?
- Can you see any correlation between what is happening now - pain from teething, more family stress, separation from mom - and what might be upsetting from the past?
Another thing to think about is that babies are sensitive to cycles in life. They may have upsetting memories come up around their birthday, or the correlating month in utero that was stressful for them. For example, at five months in utero, if there was a stressful experience for you, your baby may need to process it at five months old.
Or, perhaps your baby gets fussy every night at the same time which might correlate to, say, the transition period during your labor that was stressful for your baby.
This happened to me and my daughter when she was a newborn. My daughter woke about two a.m. every night and got fussy - not really crying, but unable to sleep. When I remembered that's when I went into transition during her birth, I was able to help her feel safe enough to go into her feelings more deeply, and she cried for a long time, and then settled into a long sleep. Once I recognized it, she only needed to process those feelings twice before she never woke up at that time again (as an infant!).
So if you've determined there might be something more than teething going on, what do you do with that?
If you see any patterns or correlations, or if you are willing to play with these ideas, you are probably wondering what the heck to do about it, and trying desperately to deal with feeling bad that something upsetting even happened for your baby at all!
We all want the best for our babies. When we discover something that upset our child whether or not we had any control over it at the time, we automatically go into "parental protection mode" and berate ourselves if we failed to prevent upsets for our infant.
If that is what you are feeling now, STOP. Take a breath, and remind yourself that you did the best you could with what you had. AND comfort yourself that even though we can't always prevent our children from having upsetting experiences, they are all resolvable.
Here are some tips to begin:
- Talk to your baby about his birth, or any upsetting experience you think he had. Speak slowly, and don't expect your baby to respond any particular way at first. Just open the door to letting him know that YOU know he may have had some feelings about he still needs to share.
- Learn to be aware that your baby is affected by your stress levels, what you do, and can process information if it's told to her slowly.
- Talk to your baby. Tell her what's going on, make sure to help her know the difference between what happened in the past and what's happening now.
- Affirm her experience as true: "Yes, I know I wasn't there for you right after you were born. That must have been scary and hard for you."
- Reassure your baby that then was then, and now is now: "I am here for you now. Even if I go to work, I come back and you are not alone."
- Get some support for yourself if you are having your own feelings about what is going on for your baby. Your baby is very sensitive to your emotions and thoughts, and if you can separate what you are feeling from what your baby is feeling you'll be able to really be a strong presence for your baby to feel safe with.
Bringing more awareness to what your baby might have experienced in the past, or what he might be experiencing now, can help you to parent in a way that supports your baby to resolve emotional upsets early.
Posted: Newsletter, about sleeping