19
December
2006
Hey, thanks for the great idea Mona !
What are 5 things most people don't know about you? What secrets have you held onto, and what darker aspects of your self are you hiding?
Well, lets embrace them. We all have a darker side, a place where we carry regrets, where we've come up against challenges and did the best we knew how to do at the time. Growth oppurtunities, illuminating our humanness…it's all good. We're all good.
So my five things - and for my blog I am focusing on parenting - you may not know about me are:
1. I hit Sidra across the face once, in the bathroom of a Starbucks when she was two or three. I was already under pressure, and she was behaving in a way that was pushing all my buttons. When I removed her to the privacy of the restroom to give her a talking to she said something rude and slapped me hard. I reacted so fast with a return slap that I didn't have time to stop myself. We both calmed down, cried, and apologized to each other.
2. When Sidra was beginning to stop taking naps (and I still needed her to have them) I would try and put her down but she would giggle and wiggle and a few times I shook my fist in her face in anger - to which she laughed at (discharging fears I think) which only made me more angry. I "thumped" her back then, with several layers of blankets covering her. I scared myself so badly, I immidiately sought support from a friend for myself!
3. When Sidra was a baby, I sometimes took out my stress on my (then) dog, Jody by yelling at him and hitting him.
4. When Sidra was 5 months old, I wanted her to go to sleep so badly I shoved her head forcefully onto my chest to rock her and I made her cry. It was the first time I had ever made her cry by being "mean."
5. I have called Sidra a brat to her face before.
I think, more than any other job, parenting brings out the parts of us that most need love. So, please, share here, and recieve some acceptance and lovin'!
(Just click on the title of this entry to read comments and leave your own!)
Posted: parenting issues
18
December
2006
I just read a wonderful interview with Karen Maezan Miller , author of Momma Zen:Walking the crooked path of Motherhood.
I liked the interview, but haven't read the book….
if you have, what did YOU think of it?
Posted: Favourite books, parenting issues
16
December
2006
We've all experienced the extra stress at the holidays, and many are reminding us to keep in mind how it might be for a young child with a new baby, and how to make your home safer for those preschoolers that are attempting to get attention.
Remember also, that it isn't just stressful for those with new siblings…
Babies regulate from our regulation - meaning, they pattern themselves off of how we are feeling. It can mean that if we are solid and centered, it's a good time for baby to unload his stress (by crying, or sleeping), but also that if WE are stressed and trying to supress our anxiety or frustrations, babies CAN and WILL pick up on that, and react to it.
It's different than unloading stress. When a parent is acting differently that they are feeling, it is so disorienting for a baby that they can lose a sense of saftey and stability. Their crying may feel more like fear or discomfort than a pure feeling of anger or sadness, or they may not be able to feel safe enough to fully cry which could result in fussyness or agitation. They may have trouble with sleeping, feeding, relaxing. Things that are normally not a problem.
If your baby is showing signs of disregulation (inability to go into feelings with your support, and/or inability to settle when soothed and comforted) consider that he may just be reacting to YOUR unspoken and ignored stress levels.
If you have a hunch this is going on in your home, try sitting quietly on your own and meditating, or practice conscious deep breathing..some practice that helps you to settle and relax. Another option is to find a friend that you can trust will really listen and empathize (not try to fix or talk you out of your feelings) and unload your anxiety, fears, stress and frustration.
Then, also remember to talk to your baby - let her know that you are feeling stressed, but that you will take care of it, and her, but that it's not about her. Assure her that she's safe and it's okay to settle.
I welcome your comments: Please share what came up for you when you read this…how is your baby reacting to the holidays, or travel, or guests in the home?
Posted: Newsletter, about sleeping, crying, infant communication
13
December
2006
Just some further notes on other books you may enjoy.
Welcoming Consciousness by Wendy Anne McCarty is available as an ebook, and one of the most comprehensive books on infant development today, pulling together many different viewpoints and theories into one solid format to explain the many discrepancies.
Also, a new dvd is available called What Babies Want by Debby Takikawa, a pioneer in the field of pre and perinatal psychology.
Posted: Favourite books, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues
9
December
2006
Newborns probably able to feel pain: New research from the Karolinska Institute in Sweden said recently. Many doctors refrain from giving newborns pain relief during surgical procedures in the belief that they do not feel pain, but new research shows this could be wrong. See full article here.
It is alarming to me that so many doctors still believe that newborns don't feel pain. Working with babies to heal their birth trauma, and also working with adults with their birth trauma in a regressed state (and remembering my own) has made it very clear that pain is a reality for newborns.
Beyond "OUCH!" What does that mean? Well, we also know that at that very early and vulnerable state, babies develop beliefs about themselves and the world based on those experiences.
What does your baby believe about herself, how does she react to daily life that may trigger memories of pain?
What do the rest of you think?
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, crying, infant communication, parenting issues
8
December
2006
This recent post in a blog I just found moved me to tears. Margie, you eloquently stated the concerns, feelings, and inner conflict those who have been touched by adoption face and experience.
Thank you.
One of my passions is bringing healing to the experience of adoption. I advocate for the babies as they move through their early experience and help parents understand how to support their babies grief and loss while they are still young. (see my ebook for sale on this issue).
I also work with adult adoptees with their early experiences.
I am grateful to people like you, who are dedicated to understanding adoption and all its facets.
Posted: adoption, parenting issues
7
December
2006
Baby massage is GREAT for those babies that love it.
It's a wonderful way to connect with your baby, and help them relax and let go after a big day of learning.
It teaches them that touch is safe, and that their bodies are good and to be treated well.
For babies with some birth trauma, it can be a way of helping let go of physically held patterns, or in the case of C-Sections, it can give that feeling of going through the birth canal which can be important to the neurobiological development of a baby.
However, if your baby DOESN'T like it, it could be because any birth experience was very painful (emotionally and/or physically) and it's too much of a reminder. Start slowly then, and respect the baby's need to NOT be touched if he or she is indicating such.
Does anyone have an experirence where they're baby didn't seem to like baby massage?
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, infant communication
6
December
2006
I like this mom's honesty. Sometimes I think we remember things from when we were children differently. We remember what "sticks" for us. Perhaps those fabulous memories from when we were kids also included bickering and whining, but what we remember is the joy and shared experience of ritual.
I have only one daughter. Our family is very different from what I grew up in - I'm divorced and remarried to a man that isn't so passionate about Christmas, finds Christmas music annoying and gets totally stressed about gift buying/giving/recieving.
My daughter and I trimmed the tree the other day (we had the ritual of putting it together too, since we have a fake one) and each ornament held some memory from my childhood or younger adulthood…we told stories as we placed them on the tree, Christmas music in the background…it was very pleasant. Sweet, but a lot quieter than what I remember of a family of four affair.
Another tradition my family had when I was a child was to sing a carol for grace at dinner instead of our usual grace. We'd light an advent candle, either my sister or I would choose a carol, and we'd sing it as a family before eating. I love that memory.
I don't even own advent candles now. But I do sing a carol to my daughter each night for a lullaby.
It's changed, shifted, but the feelings are similar - closeness, family, magic…my daughter doesn't do the whiny thing. (Unless I am singing Christmas songs in public - no matter how quietly.)
So, what are some of your memories? Do you remember bickering and whining when you were a child, or just the "good stuff?" What do your kids do now?
Posted: parenting issues
3
December
2006
I have always been "good with babies." I never knew why, really…what made it easier for me to soothe a baby when my coworkers at the daycare couldn't? How was it I seemed to "know" what a baby was saying?
Part of it was that I have always operated as if babies understood my heart and mind, and so interacted with them from that perspective.
But it wasn't until I was in school several years ago, taking a introduction to craniosacral therapy class on "the long tides" and the cycle of the autonomic nervous system that I had a more concrete idea of what it was I did.
In class, we were paired up and instructed to "hold each other's head." As my partner was lying comfortably, I cradled his head in my hands and got quiet inside myself, tuning in to the rhythms of his body. Our instructor asked us to notice what we felt. What the "felt sense" was of being with another person that way, and to notice cycles of energy and movement within the body.
I did, and at first it felt like I was on a quick, warm, pulsing highway. I was encourgaged to "drop down another level" and so I focused my attention, and with very little trouble I shifted and my experience became more like I was traveling through a futon, it was white and thick and sluggish. I was told I was in the "tissue bed" - a layer down from the veins and blood where I was before.
My instructor became very interested in what was happening with me, and kept encouraging me to "drop down" more levels with my intention. It was simple, and I felt very aware both of what was happening in my partners system as well as in myself and around me.
The final level I found myself in was what my instructor called "the potency level." I felt that my partner and I were one being. I was "in" him, and could feel his very essence.
My instructor said I had just done in ten minutes what it takes some people two years to learn how to do in a course in craniosacral instruction.
When he told me "this is where I go when I work with babies" I realized that was true for me too. I drop into a place of connection with babies that allows me to know at a very sacred level what is going on for them.
I think it's possible for anyone to learn how to do this.
Your heart and mind - your esssence - can become synchronized with your baby's essence and you'll find yourself truly with him, able to understand his perspective about the world he's in.
And I am happy to help you learn to do just that , as well as know your baby even more. How? Click here .
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, Uncategorized, infant communication
2
December
2006
Ah yes…the hot topic of new parents. So many of us experienced lack of sleep for many months - sometimes years - after our babies were born. I felt I had it double, a baby who woke to nurse several times a night and a husband that woke me with his very loud snoring several times a night! For over two years I never slept longer than 40 minutes straight between the two of them.
And it did get better - my daughter eventually stopped nursing at night (by two years old, I facilitated this. It took one night of holding her and empathizing with her for a few hours as I refused to nurse her, another night of only 30 minutes of crying with me holding her, and a third night of just being awake for an hour. After that she slept through the night.)
And I finally slept after sending my husband into another room to sleep. My adrenals were shot and my midwife/naturopath encouraged me to do what I needed to do to get a full nights' rest.
But why is it so hard sometimes? My daughter didn't wake up crying. She didn't cry for hours on end and I have so much compassion for those parents struggling with babies that cry for "no apparent reason."
I don't believe there is "no apparent reason" actually. I think babies want to tell us what it's like for them in this world, or what it was like being born, or what it was like even before that. I think they want us to know how much they know about themselves, and want us to listen and empathize with it.
They tell us through movement, where they put their attention, what upsets them (being put down? Could that be a trigger for the time you weren't there for him?) and of course, through their emotions.
Time and time again it happens when I encourage parents to tune in to their baby and what they might be expressing, and begin naming it, parents report that their baby "stopped what they were doing and looked right at me and smiled." or "immidiately started getting fussy, like he was saying, 'Yeah, you understand, and can I tell you more?'"
It isn't random.
Babies cry for a reason, so if you are pacing the halls with a crying baby, instead of "shushing" her, try naming a few things that she might be trying to tell you - "Is it scary for you to be alone?" or "You seem so angry…are your remembering when you were taken away after you were born?" Fill in the blank…tune in to yourself, and then to your baby, and you can learn to trust what she's telling you. Maybe you'll find that it was just the thing she needed to settle into sleep.
Sleep tight.
Posted: Newsletter, about sleeping, crying