29
March
2007
In a recent post by Dr.Karen Shue on her blog, Neurofeedback on the Brain, she describes her thoughts and insights about happiness. At one point she says,
"The biggest one thing that makes a difference to happiness levels (other than optimism, but that's a story for another day) is relationships. Nurturing our social relationships may be one of the most powerful things we can do to increase our happiness…And even having positive relationships is not about finding the 'right people,' it's about being the 'right person'"
I completely agree. Karenhttp://www.justmommies.com/advertise2.shtml
talks about other factors as well. Read the article, it's well worth it and you won't lose your place here (this window will stay open for you.)
I will take it further, to say that how we perceive our relationships and events in our lives is significantly influenced by our earliest experiences. How we were treated and thought of, whether or not we were wanted (yes, even prenatally!) and the experiences of our birth influences how our brain sees the world. It is at these early times in our life that beliefs form about ourselves, our world and how we relate to it. It affects our biology, as Dr.Bruce Lipton has described in his work as a cellular biologist.
Lipton shows how our perceptions and beliefs create our enviornment and cellular structure in his book The Biology of Belief, an insightful book that is laced with humour in an easy-to-read style.
What many people don't realize, is that often, the origin of our beliefs about ourselves can be traced back to the time between conception and birth. What's also true is that as parents, you can help prevent your baby from forming mistaken beliefs about him/herself, as well as correct those beliefs that are already in place, so your baby doesn't have to grow up with a negative filter in place, affecting how he/she perceives himself and relationships.
It is most satisfying work to be able to facilitate the healing of early traumas, and change the way we see the world, and our relationships for the better.
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, parenting issues
22
March
2007
Several clients have shared with me the frustration of feeling their identity slip away from them as they move into the role of mother.
I wrote an article on that a few months ago on that very subject (find it here). In this article, I discuss how to prioritize your needs and wants to help find balance in your life and integrate your new role as a parent.
Recently, I was reminded that it wasn't only the role itself, but how the emotions that were triggered by her baby were so new and unfamiliar that my client said, "these feelings are all so new! I just don't recognize myself with how I am acting!"
Have you ever reacted to your baby in ways that are completely foreign to you?
I can tell you although I spent many years - decades even - caring for the children of others all day long, that once I had my own baby, caring for her was surprising in its intensity.
I found myself with a range of emotions during the day that went deeper, came out quicker, and were more difficult to manage than anything I had ever experienced before.
My frustration when she wouldn't sleep caused me to get angry in a way that that I had never experienced in myself. I had always been so easy-going and calm, but when she, as a toddler, wouldn't nap I found myself so angry that I wanted to hit her!
And I never felt I was a very controlling person, but if Sidra didn't do what I wanted her to do - NEEDED her to do for my own sanity - I sometimes would just fall apart.
Does any of this sound familiar?
My experience, both with myself and with clients has taught me that this is not unusual.
If you've ever heard someone say, "Your child will push every button you have" you might have thought it an exaggeration…I know I did, after all, I took care of a zillion babies and children, my buttons had been pushed if they were going to get pushed at all!
Right?
Wrong!
Why do our own children bring out in us the characteristics that we don't want to see - indeed, the things we don't even know are THERE?
There is a connection we have with those that are most special to us, and that depth of intimacy has as its core the ability to illuminate all that is needing healing. A phrase I really like is:
Love Brings Up Everything Unlike Itself.
You may have experienced this with a life partner. But who knew that a tiny little person like your baby could evoke the kind of reactions and feelings you are finding yourself having?
Our babies are our teachers in many ways. (I know, I've got clichés coming out my ears in this article!) But it's true.
Think about what bugs you the most about your baby, or her behaviour? What is it that is wanting to get looked at inside you? Is it a control issue? Is it a deep fear of being good enough? Are you neglecting to process and heal uncomfortable feelings about being a mother or father?
Many times it's important to stop focusing on how to change our babies so that we can be happier, but take a good look at what's happening inside ourselves that is being reflected by them, or drawn out by them.
What unconscious dynamic is your baby reacting to when he has difficult behaviours? When he won't sleep, or when he resists your comfort?
Yes, often a baby is trying to tell you of his own experience and looking for empathy…but if this is resonating for you, maybe look honestly inside yourself for the places that are resistant to being a mother. Or seek to resolve the unresolved issues from your past that might be in the field of awareness within your family.
If you are finding yourself at odds with your baby, and triggered emotionally more than you ever thought you could be, be reassured you are not alone, or even unusual.
And then find the support you need to look inside yourself to identify and heal.
When I finally got support for the frustration I felt when my toddler wouldn't nap, I found a new level of awareness of what being a toddler was like for me, growing up in my family, and was able to move through some issues that I would never have found if not for my daughter.
And although she didn't settle down for a nap after that, (instead she stopped taking them), more importantly, I stopped trying to control her which was making us both miserable.
When we take responsibility for our own emotions and reactions, we have a whole new world open to us as a way of knowing ourselves and our babies more deeply. And with any luck, we can become more of who we are, which is really what our babies ask of us anyway.
Posted: Newsletter, crying, parenting issues
5
March
2007
This is such a common thing…so many babies don't like bathtime, some forever and some for a few months.
And it can be so hard for parents to know what to do, right? You know bathing has to happen, even if it's just a sponge bath, but sometimes, for some babies, water on their skin is so very upsetting!
How can you get through an essential activity when you know it's going to upset your baby? And why is it so upsetting for them?
Before I get to those answers, let me ask you this…
Have you ever had an experience that was really upsetting or traumatic, and that caused you to not want to do anything that reminded you of it ever again? We all have stuff like that….I am freak out about bees…anything that stings (although now, as an adult, I am okay with honeybees and bumblebees)…and I've been stung a total of 34 times in my life all before the age of 12…twice with multiple sting experiences involving hives. Even when I stayed very still…and didn't flap my arms…I have been stung.
I have a hard time with bees. When one buzzes around me I flap and squeal and look completely undignified and neurotic. And as pacifistic as I am, and cherishing of all life, when I see a yellow jacket I holler, "KILL, KILL!" and with a blessing that it be reincarnated as a butterfly, I squash it.
I am completely okay with this. I still love summer, and I still eat on the table on the deck on warm evenings…
But what if my fear was about something much bigger that affected my daily routine?
Babies have memories too. Sometimes bathing can trigger painful, scary or upsetting ones specifically from birth. Let's think about it…what does birth have in common with bathtime?
Hmmm…well, wet and chilly - even if the room is warm, wet skin is cold for a while, and compared with in the water or in the womb…brrrrr!
Hands, reaching to put you somewhere, or lift you out….for a C-section baby, this might be reminiscent of being lifted out of the womb…and for other babies maybe being carried away from Mom….
And drying off…wow, yeah, lets' not forget that first soft cotton blanket used to dry off Baby…for him it felt like sandpaper compared to the softness of internal body parts surrounded by water!
And if your baby has upsetting and unresolved feelings from his birth experience, it is completely possible that he has linked the entire process of bathtime with the time he was born…and he's trying to tell you about it.
Okay, that's the possible "why"….now what can you do?
First, empathize empathize empathize! Try and sense what it's like, and really listen to your baby. Reassure her that even though it was similar, it isn't birth and she's safe. Accept her anger and fear, hold it gently and don't shush her, but instead remind her she's not alone and thank her for telling you.
If you find yourself feeling triggered and emotional by your baby's upset, the above messages can be difficult to think of in the moment. It can be overwhelming to discover your baby has such strong feelings, and you might feel the need for support yourself.
Consider working with me individually to help you and your baby find flow and resonance about this or any other issue.
Posted: Newsletter, crying, infant communication, parenting issues
2
March
2007
Hi. Bruce Lipton is a pioneer in cellular biology and has elegantly been able to show how nature and nurture both work together to create our biology. He discusses beliefs and reality and how we have the power to change them.
This video found on the site "Birth Ecology Project" of an interview with Bruce Lipton by Alan Steinfeld is "a captivating explanation of humanities next step in conscious evolution. I recommend listening to the whole thing, it's a fast five-minute video and the synthesis of his vision at the end is inspiring. He articulates why global community is humanity's evolutionary step through our fractal nature of being."
Check it out, and I'd love to hear from you about your thoughts regarding what he says!
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology