What Your Baby Knows

Am I a Good Mother?0

I don't ever get that question directly…

When I talk to clients, they don't come right out and ask "Am I a good mother?"  The question is there, though. It's in the nervous way they sometimes interact with their baby - not an unusual thing when you are in the presence of someone "trained" or "an expert" in the field of parenting.

Let me just clarify - I don't consider myself "expert"…that's not to say I'm not good and knowledgable about what I do, but it is to say that to me, "expert" lends itself to thinking "I know what's right for you or your baby."

I don't.

(Note: if I suspect abuse, still, I don't tell people what to do, but I may suggest strongly, and I am obligated to tell Child Protective Services)

I have information that could be helpful if it resonates with you. I have training that could be useful in helping you and your baby find a deeper sense of connection, meaning, health and joy together. But I don't consider myself to be an expert about YOU as a mother (or father, or caregiver).

I have a client that recently chose to use the Ferber method to help her little boy sleep. To help HER sleep. She was exhausted, and due to circumstances of our scheduling, I wasn't able to help her find immidiate relief - she needed sleep NOW.

Many of the people I know, in my field and in my circle of friends, disagree with Ferber's method. They equate it with letting their baby "cry it out" and say it seems harsh and teaches the baby that no one is there for them. 

I have to admit I believed this too. I never even looked at the book when my daughter was a baby and I don't suggest it to my clients.  However, when my client told me she was beginning to "Ferberize" I decided to educate myself about it.

I know my client. I know she is a warm, loving mother, that has an easy way with her baby. She communicates well with him, is confident in my presence and it's clear he knows he is loved by her. However, the sleep issue. Both of them weren't sleeping. The help I could offer in between my being away and her vacation, and I think an illness in there as well was limited. So she made a decision, told me, and who am I to say it isn't the right thing to do? I don't know what is right for her and for her son!

So I read about Ferber and his method. It doesn't condone letting your baby cry alone for hours. It doesn't say you shouldn't care.  It did seem like an approach that might be right for someone that needed to do something in order to get sleep so they could be the mother they wanted.

Not unlike when I stopped nursing my toddler at night, cold turkey. At 2 1/2 she was still waking several times a night to nurse. I was, until then, of the opinion that child-led nursing was right for me. It was, until I realized that years had gone by and between her night wakings and my husbands heavy snoring I hadn't slept more than 20 minutes at a time for YEARS.

I let her cry in my arms the first night I didn't nurse her. She cried for three hours straight. I supported her, empathized with her, she knew she wasn't alone, and she didn't get what she wanted. The next night she cried for 45 minutes. The next night she woke up, was awake for half an hour, but didn't cry at all, and after that she slept through the night.

From what I can tell from the Ferber method, a parent goes in and lets the baby know they aren't alone, regularly, at increasing intervals of time.

I probably wouldn't have done that, but I know many people that wouldn't have done what I did with my toddler. But it was right for me, and my confidence in that is what carried us through the tears.

I don't tell my clients what to do. I tell them how I can help. The Ferber method has helped my client, and I believe it will help us with the overall issues she and her son are grappling with…what's not helped by being rested?

I told her (even though she didn't ask outright) that she is a GREAT mother. Not because she did or didn't do a certain thing, but because she made a decision and followed through, trusting herself to make choices for her and her son in the face of a lot of controversy. I told her that there will likely be many times that she makes a decision that her son won't like. But regardless,  if she is confident in it, that alone will be enough for her son to thrive.

So, are you a good mother?

I'd say, if you are doing your best and loving your child and getting help when you need it - YES. And if you aren't doing those things? You probably still are…but it's not me that decides. 

Posted: Newsletter, about sleeping, crying, parenting issues

How Much Does My Toddler Remember?0

I've been thinking about my nephew a lot lately.  He recently passed away - just before his 13th birthday. Way too soon for all of us that knew him.  So, remembering him helps with the process of grieving. 

Cole was born premature. He began his life outside the womb with a C-section, 45 minutes after his twin sister was born vaginally. Once born, he was treated for immature lungs, and had many procedures, and needles, and lived in an isolette in the neonatal ICU until he was stable, and eventually could go home.

Do you wonder how much your baby remembers from his or her, and for how long?

Let me tell you this story about Cole:

He was about three years old, and I took him to Seattle's Woodland Park Zoo for the day.  After a short while of walking around and looking at animals, what pleased him most was the vast green field - completely open with gentle slopes at the edges. He was a very active toddler and the space to run and run and run was irrisitable. So we ran, and played, and rolled down the hills, and began "wrestling" until he changed that game into a "poking" game. 

He started tickling me, and I howled with laughter - even though it didn't tickle much - but the giggles I evoked in him were delightful! Oh, to have such influence that he could make a grown-up weak and helpless! It wasn't long before his tickles turned into light pokes, and eventually harder pokes. I set a boundary: "Cole, that hurts my body to poke me like that. You can poke me like this though…" and I showed him what pressure was okay.  This time, the game evolved into my pretending to be hurt, and obviously reacting out of proportion to what he was doing. "OH! OW OW OW!!" and he'd laugh and laugh…

I wondered, as we played, if this was helpful in healing his fears and upsets from all the needles he had stuck in him at birth.  Moments after I wondered that (to myself) he stopped poking, and got quiet, and seemed a little scared. "Auntie Dylan," he began, "Are you ever gonna hurt me?"  I matched his mood and reassured him that I was not EVER going to hurt him. I contined by affirming what I think he was referring to, "You did get hurt right after you were born, when people were poking you, didn't you?" He nodded, and then lifted his shirt and showed me a scar he had on his torso. I said, "Yeah, that must have been scary…and it must have hurt. And we were playing just now, and I will never hurt you."

Just as quickly he shifted back into playing with me, and that was all he ever said to me about his birth.

I think that we all remember our births, and even before. It's all recorded in our brains, our bodies, and our systems. The memories are not stored in our intellectual brains, where we expect memories to be, but they are accessible and can be found in our bodies with helpful tools, modalties and techniques of identifying them.  And of course, spontaneous memories may surface all on their own. In the case of negative memories, these can arise in the form of discomfort in a certain situation, "illogical" reactions to experiences or words, irrational fears and our limiting beliefs about self and the world. Patterns of behaviour, and habits of interactions are also built from our earliest experiences - positive and negative.

Cole's identification of his own fears helped him to ask me about it, and then gain trust in me. Trust for those involved in his care at his birth was in short supply. His inherant brilliance at following a game until he felt uncomfortable, and then asking what he needed to know in order to be comfortable again is a sign not just of his ability to remember and be affected by his birth, but also know what he needed from me in order to help resolve those experiences.

Your baby and toddler may be telling you about his or her birth over and over…it's just about learning to know what they can remember, what might be needing resolution, and how to interpret it and respond. 

Posted: Newsletter