10
July
2007
I'm at my mom's house, and have been since the end of April. Next door is a delightful family with three girls all within a year - the oldest, and then twins that were born ten months later.
Well, she and I were talking over the fence and somehow the conversation got around to birth. Her friend is having a baby soon and wanted to have a natural labor and birth. My neighbor offered this advice, "Don't worry about drugs, or C-section…they're there if you need them." She looked at me and said, "You probably would say something very different, right?"
I said, "Well, no actually. Medical technology is important and valuable, and she shouldn't worry about those things. Worry is one thing that can really contribute to a difficult labor. What I would say though, is to realize that what happens during birth matters to the baby. So if she were to need interventions of some sort, to talk to the baby and say why and include the baby in what is happening."
My neighbor asked what I meant by, "It matters to the baby."
Well, for instance, if a baby has a C-section, it might be okay for the mother but the baby may feel terrified. Like if labor hasn't started (and it's the baby that starts labor by secreting the hormone that gets it all going) then Baby ins't ready…suddenly, from a baby's point of view, mom may be scared, baby goes numb, there is bright lights, people with masks on, and hands lifting me out of my space…that's a LOT. And don't think for a moment that babies wouldn't know to be frightened by surgical masks…their brains are wired to look for and recognize human faces and if the first thing they see is NOT that, it can be disorienting. I also said that beliefs and imprints about how the world works can be affected by other kinds of birth too - like other interventions, long labor…
My neighbor was curious and began, with relief said, "well, all my girls came out so fast!"
I said, well, that can be hard too sometimes. Really fast labors can lead to transition issues…like "everytime something is going to change I need to do whatever I can to slow it down." Or, "Going from one place or situation to another is SCARY, I have to avoid it, or brace myself for it. If I get out of control something bad can happen." They may stall, procrastinate, get really emotional, come unglued, or be very controlling of what happens.
By this time, this young mother's jaw was hanging open and she was staring at one of her daughters. "You just described Malory" she said. I wasn't surprised. This happens a lot, where I describe belief patterns that fit with a certain type of birth…
We began talking about other things that can affect us even as far back as prenatal. Her mother had an anxiety disorder during her gestation, and that of her siblings. All of them have issues with anxiety. it isn't just genetic, I said. It's a learned response pattern.
And it can be changed. We know, and are learning more every day, about how to change neurological pathways in the body. Regular counseling and therapy doesn't do it…these imprints are in the BODY, in the cells…healing happens at that level, not by talking or expressing emotions (although these are useful and helpful things to do too). It is possible to access memory held in the body and release trauma patters.
And it is possible to do so for babies and children as well, so that these patterns and mistaken beliefs don't limit the life of an individual.
My neighbor headed inside to talk to her husband excitedly.
I love over the fence chats!
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues
3
July
2007
It's summertime and so many people aretraveling. Family reunions, vacations, andother family matters have sent a few queriesmy way regarding tips for making the experienceof traveling with a baby a pleasant one.You hear horror stories about screaming kids in car on long drives. You may have been on a plane with a restless toddler that was disturbing the other passengers.It's pretty common to dread the prospect of beingone of those parents that struggle to keep their baby quiet in the midst of frustrated and judgmental strangers, or just to keep sane if
you are stuck in a car with an upset child.
There are ways to prevent a lot of distress.
When my daughter was 18 months old, we went on
a two-week car trip through Western Montana. She
did great. Now, we were lucky that she was (and
still is) a very mellow kid. But I also helped her
by including her in the travel plans, telling her
what was going to happen, what was happening, and
what had just happened every day.
She knew what to expect. I reminded her what wasn't
changing, and what was going to be different.
That information helped her integrate her experience
and orient herself to her new surroundings and rhythm
of each day.
Babies and young children often get forgotten in
the plans. We forget that they can understand us,
and need to be included. Because they can't talk
like we are used to communicating it's so easy to
assume they don't care what happens to them, that
they aren't aware of the changes as long as their
basic needs are met: sleep, hunger, comfort and
having familiar faces near.
But imagine having your spouse come in and start packing
a bag for you, talking to others about something, the
stress level increasing - even good stress - and then
one day, your spouse comes in, takes your hand, and leads
you to the car stuffed full, or an airport…but no
one says a word to YOU about where you are going, what's
happening, how long you'll be away - maybe forever????
Think about all the differences on a plane: weird air,
loud sounds, new people, video screens everywhere,
disorienting sensations, ear popping, sitting in a
crowded row of seats…not to mention if there are
any less than understanding folks nearby sending
non-verbal messages that they don't like you.
Add to that any stress your spouse might have, that
frantic, anxious energy trying to make sure you don't
squawk but remain cheerful…and encouraging you to
sleep amidst all that! Yeah, right! Unless, that is
your preferred coping mechanism for stress, sleeping
would be difficult.
Now, that's just the flight. Then, you find yourself
in a brand new place. New smells, accents, language maybe…
new faces, sounds…happy people that want to kiss you
but you don't know them at all…
Hmmm….do you start to understand what a baby might
go through? It's no less than that, and is perhaps
even more.
But talking to your baby about it all, keeping her
in the loop about plans, unfamiliar noises, people
and experiences will help.
Also, doing your own work to stay calm and centered
if your baby gets fussy is so important. If you are
upset - especially if your baby is - that sends the
message that "indeed, things are NOT okay, and are very
worrisome right now" and THAT can increase your baby's
distress.
Some further tips are to buy some age-appropriate toys
and give them out over the course of the trip rather
than all at once. And simple toys can be amazing. Sidra
was occupied by a wooden string of rainbow colored
beads on elastic for hours and hours.
Also, travel in the car early in the morning, during nap
times, and after meals. Stop often for breaks during the
peak active times during the day. Learn finger plays,
kid songs, and expect to do a lot of peek-a-boo if
someone else is driving!
Some good kid music choices are: anything by The Green
Chile Jam Band ; Raffi ; Red Grammar ; and Jake who is my favorite!
Enjoy your trip!
Posted: Newsletter