June
2008
Fighting Fair0
Recently I was discussing how anger is treated in our society…and how we fight.
I grew up in a family that didn't fight. Well, other than my sister who fought and yelled and tantrumed well into her 20's….but my parents never fought.
They negotiated, discussed, debated, if they argued it wasn't in front of me. I don't know if they were ever really angry with each other. The most would be amusingly irritated with one another. Mostly I remember them being a solid, unified and reasonable foundation that I could fall into when I was upset.
I also never learned how to be angry, or what to do when I was. As an adult I learned how to handle my anger in therapy, how to "get my feelings out" and then talk about them reasonably with whoever I was in conflict with. I learned how to use "I" statements to avoid blaming, to stay with how I was feeling and not point my finger…I learned to own my own mistakes and blunders, etc…but I never had the opportunity to practice those skills then.
Generally, it takes a lot to get me angry. I find it pretty easy to be detached from other's reactions, to be able to stand and witness the anger of others without getting caught in the drama. (Another result of all the therapy.)
Until I met my ex. With my ex - the most recent one - I became volatile, often. This was a new side of me. I learned to become familiar with an out of control yelling, screaming, blaming, calling names person that I never knew was in me. This was not good. I was stressed and felt awful.
Before I left him however, I had found a way to react to him in a more balanced and healthy way - being angry without blame, etc…and learned to see my anger as a good thing. A message - something to pay attention to. "If he's doing something that I feel THIS angry about, I need to stop and pay attention!"
Now, taking these two extremes of my experience I've come to the conclusion (which may still evolve) that fighting can be a good thing, and can feel good to express and "have it out" when needed, but that fighting fair is really important. It's different from calmly stating you're angry - which also has a place I'm sure. But BEING angry is different from talking about it.
To be able to hold that high level of emotion, as your system is flooded with stress chemicals and the fight or flight response (making it really hard to think) and still be aware enough to keep yourself from blaming, calling names, criticizing, etc…but staying with your own experience, is not an easy thing. I don't think the average person can do it well. But if I'm going to be okay with having a fight, it's a must.
Also, I think it's good to have a strong enough sense of self to stand tall when someone else fights dirty, and to not get sucked in to it, or take it personally. To be able to see it as their issue, not about you. Also not easy (but one I'm pretty good at with all the practice I had from my ex).
So, I'm asking about your own personal experience with anger…and with fighting.
What was anger like in your family growing up? What have you learned, and/or how to you handle anger and fighting now? Is it different? The same?