October
2006
Article: Can My Baby Really Understand What I say? (Click here to reply)
Have you heard that it's good for your baby if you
talk to her a lot?
Most parents have. And most parents do.
But also, most parents don't really believe that
their baby hears more than a foreign language, or
that they understand anything that's being said.
Sometimes, that's true. Your baby may not understand
what you say because you are speaking in the complex
adult language, because you speak quickly, and don't
leave time in between what you say for baby to "get"
it.
But they can and often do understand language.
What? How? They are so small, their brains aren't yet
developed enough!
These are good questions.
Babies aren't developed enough to speak with words yet
- but if you use sign language, you can see even young
babies have motor skills allowing them to communicate
in English. Its an indication that babies are able
to understand.
Even more profound, anecdotal reports from psychologists
and therapists who have used regression and hypnosis
with their clients have shown that as babies - even those
unborn - they understand what is said around them, about
them and to them.
And they remember feeling frustrated that the adults
in their life didn't know they understood.
I was caring for a baby boy a few times a week
whose mother was under a lot of stress due to the
failing health of her mother. The baby was getting
fussier and harder to soothe. I suggested to Mom that
she tell him what's going on - that Grandma was dying
and that she was sad and had a lot of feelings that
weren't about him. She did, and apologized to him for not
being as present as she wanted to be, and reassured him.
His mood improved during the week, and when I came over
the next few times he'd look deeply at me, and
I'd say, "Yep, it's your turn to cry now."
He would cry and cry and cry while I held him and
reassured him and empathized with him.
He knew something was going on around him, but until
his mother told him what it was, he was disoriented
and confused. I believe he also understood that
his mother wasn't emotionally able to support his own
feelings of stress unless I was there to support
them both. He waited for his big meltdowns for when
I was present and could hear him deeply.
Also, since babies rely solely on emotions and body
language to communicate, they are very fluent in
this way of communicating - meaning they can sense
what someone is feeling and showing, and if it matches
the words spoken or not.
It is very disorienting to a baby to have words that
don't match the real feelings or truth about what is
going on or being communicated. In the example above,
the baby's mother was trying to act as if it was all
okay when she was playing with her baby - but he knew
it wasn't. The discrepancy is what was most stressful
for him. It can be scary for a baby, or feel like
there's no solid ground, when such a discrepancy
exists.
So, if my baby understands me, now what?
Well, it opens up a big box of possibilities
doesn't it?
And a bit more effort on the part of the caring adults
to include the baby in conversations, in plans, and in
situations that concern them.
Believe me, it matters. For example, sharing who
is coming over for dinner helps a baby feel oriented
to a change in the evening routine.
Asking your baby if they want to be held by Grandma,
and waiting for an indication of a yes or no, (and then
honouring what is communicated) is a powerful thing.
It can be very reassuring to a teething or sick baby
that they aren't going to be feeling awful forever.
Explain what sick is, what teeth are, and what is
happening. Many times, the discomfort is fear and
lack of understanding about what is happening to them.
When you begin to notice that what you say and do
(and think and feel!) in the presence of your infant
matters, you can begin to resolve dilemmas, support
how your baby is feeling, and have more clarity
in your role as parent.
***Suggestions for communicating with your baby:
1. See the world from your baby's perspective. This
takes practice, but can be very helpful. What would
it be like to have dad playing on the floor with baby
and suddenly jump up and disappear (to answer the phone?)
2. Watch closely what your baby is doing before moving
him. Is your baby fascinated by a bird out the window?
Notice it with him, and then tell him that you are going
to move him away to (for example) change his diaper and
pause before actually doing it.
3. Pay close attention to how you are feeling, and name
it to your baby. "I am tired and cranky…you probably
notice that. It isn't about you - I just had a hard day.
Thanks for putting up with me!"
4. Name what is going on for your baby. "Oh. I see you
like playing with that toy." It is very orienting to a
baby to have their actions and feelings named.
5. When you tell your baby something, speak slowly,
repeat yourself and pause to wait for a response from
your baby. Looking away, a grin, getting fussy are
some of the ways your baby may indicate a response.
Thank your baby for telling you, and respect her request.
In some cases, waiting may not be appropriate, for
example: The radio gets turned on, and turned up too
loudly. Baby fusses or looks scared, and disoriented.
"Oh, you look uncomfortable and scared. Is the radio
too loud? Let me turn it down…there is that better?
I'm glad you let me know it was bothering you!"
Good luck, and best wishes to you and your family!