What Your Baby Knows

How Can Birth Affect My Baby’s Relationship to Food/Eating?0

They seem so disconnected…birth and eating. But they aren't.

Recently, I had a client that was having difficulty and was concerned with her baby daughter's eating and nursing habits. While some practical advice was warrented, my first questions were "did you have issues with food or eating when you were younger?" and "Did anything happen at Baby's birth around food?"  and also, "What was going on with your own relationship to food while you were pregnanat?"

There were  significant answers to all of these questions. First of all, Mom had had and eating disorder when she was younger and though was recovered, was quite anxious that her daughter NOT have issues with food. This level of energy put into eating and food clearly spoke to the baby as "beware, this is not just about easing hunger and accepting nourishment…this is something that is upsetting and worrisome."

Second of all, shortly after the birth Baby was taken to the nursury so mom could sleep. It seemed like a necessary separation for an over tired, under supported new mom, who has regretted it since. This regret about the separation was compounded by the fact that Baby was given formula against Mom's wishes. The guilt and anger Mom has felt about that has layered on top of the already existing negativity around food.

And lastly, the pregnancy itself was difficult in that Mom had a hard time keeping food down, and morning sickness lasted several months. she was, and still is, concerned that Baby wasn't getting enough nutrition, adding to even more anxiety around food.

So, knowing all that, it became clear that for this baby, eating and food were about much more than nutrition, and was not entirely comfortable at that.

During our session, I exposed the multilayered field of distress that Baby was experiencing and combined the practical aspects of introducing new foods, and timing of meals and nursing with some energy psychology techiques for both Mom's anxiety and Baby's experience and newly forming patterns.

Within a week, Mom reports that Baby is eating solids, and sleeping through the night. As well, she claims Baby is happy and relaxed, "Like a totally different baby!"

Although relationships between food and birth/prenatal issues are not obvious, they usually can be discovered with some insightful questions and educated interpretation.  If you think about it, the first time any of us took in nourishment was after implantaion, and was our first physical interaction with our mother.  Therefore, often, eating and food issues are directly related to issues with our mother, intimacy, connection, and survival.

Likewise, if we have other trauma from early in the pregnancy, it can manifest as issues with food. My own story is an example of that.

I lost a twin brother directly after implantation. I know this due to my own regressions, somatic memories and the way my life changed for the better in several ways after discovery and a healthy grieving process. During one of my sessions, I "felt" myself implant, and felt my twin fail to do so. I had the sense that there wasn't enough nutrition from our mother for both of us, and that I was "taking too much."  In my sensing of it, I had "landed" high on the uterine wall and my brother fell past me, unable to implant.

Fact: The embryo that is higher on the uterine wall tends to get more nutrition. I found this fact out after I verbalized the memory.

It all made sense. My paradoxical and lifelong struggle with food was a double bind. I had always felt that I ate (took) too much, but also that there was never enough.

Just a few sessions a few years ago addressed this dynamic and my relationship to food changed. I no longer struggled with a voice in my head telling me to eat that or not eat this…how much to eat, or how little. I was able to relax and enjoy food without the guilt and shame that had accompanied it for so long.  All my issues around food are not gone however, the habits of a lifetime didn't just dissapate…what changed was how I feel about it all. And that, now, is peaceful.

Please feel free to comment, or ask any questions you may have by clicking the title of this post and filling in the reply box. 

Posted: Newsletter, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, about sleeping, parenting issues

Am I a Good Mother?0

I don't ever get that question directly…

When I talk to clients, they don't come right out and ask "Am I a good mother?"  The question is there, though. It's in the nervous way they sometimes interact with their baby - not an unusual thing when you are in the presence of someone "trained" or "an expert" in the field of parenting.

Let me just clarify - I don't consider myself "expert"…that's not to say I'm not good and knowledgable about what I do, but it is to say that to me, "expert" lends itself to thinking "I know what's right for you or your baby."

I don't.

(Note: if I suspect abuse, still, I don't tell people what to do, but I may suggest strongly, and I am obligated to tell Child Protective Services)

I have information that could be helpful if it resonates with you. I have training that could be useful in helping you and your baby find a deeper sense of connection, meaning, health and joy together. But I don't consider myself to be an expert about YOU as a mother (or father, or caregiver).

I have a client that recently chose to use the Ferber method to help her little boy sleep. To help HER sleep. She was exhausted, and due to circumstances of our scheduling, I wasn't able to help her find immidiate relief - she needed sleep NOW.

Many of the people I know, in my field and in my circle of friends, disagree with Ferber's method. They equate it with letting their baby "cry it out" and say it seems harsh and teaches the baby that no one is there for them. 

I have to admit I believed this too. I never even looked at the book when my daughter was a baby and I don't suggest it to my clients.  However, when my client told me she was beginning to "Ferberize" I decided to educate myself about it.

I know my client. I know she is a warm, loving mother, that has an easy way with her baby. She communicates well with him, is confident in my presence and it's clear he knows he is loved by her. However, the sleep issue. Both of them weren't sleeping. The help I could offer in between my being away and her vacation, and I think an illness in there as well was limited. So she made a decision, told me, and who am I to say it isn't the right thing to do? I don't know what is right for her and for her son!

So I read about Ferber and his method. It doesn't condone letting your baby cry alone for hours. It doesn't say you shouldn't care.  It did seem like an approach that might be right for someone that needed to do something in order to get sleep so they could be the mother they wanted.

Not unlike when I stopped nursing my toddler at night, cold turkey. At 2 1/2 she was still waking several times a night to nurse. I was, until then, of the opinion that child-led nursing was right for me. It was, until I realized that years had gone by and between her night wakings and my husbands heavy snoring I hadn't slept more than 20 minutes at a time for YEARS.

I let her cry in my arms the first night I didn't nurse her. She cried for three hours straight. I supported her, empathized with her, she knew she wasn't alone, and she didn't get what she wanted. The next night she cried for 45 minutes. The next night she woke up, was awake for half an hour, but didn't cry at all, and after that she slept through the night.

From what I can tell from the Ferber method, a parent goes in and lets the baby know they aren't alone, regularly, at increasing intervals of time.

I probably wouldn't have done that, but I know many people that wouldn't have done what I did with my toddler. But it was right for me, and my confidence in that is what carried us through the tears.

I don't tell my clients what to do. I tell them how I can help. The Ferber method has helped my client, and I believe it will help us with the overall issues she and her son are grappling with…what's not helped by being rested?

I told her (even though she didn't ask outright) that she is a GREAT mother. Not because she did or didn't do a certain thing, but because she made a decision and followed through, trusting herself to make choices for her and her son in the face of a lot of controversy. I told her that there will likely be many times that she makes a decision that her son won't like. But regardless,  if she is confident in it, that alone will be enough for her son to thrive.

So, are you a good mother?

I'd say, if you are doing your best and loving your child and getting help when you need it - YES. And if you aren't doing those things? You probably still are…but it's not me that decides. 

Posted: Newsletter, about sleeping, crying, parenting issues

So How About That Holiday Stress? (please comment by clicking here)2

We've all experienced the extra stress at the holidays, and many are reminding us to keep in mind how it might be for a young child with a new baby, and how to make your home safer for those preschoolers that are attempting to get attention.

Remember also, that it isn't just stressful for those with new siblings…

Babies regulate from our regulation - meaning, they pattern themselves off of how we are feeling.  It can mean that if we are solid and centered, it's a good time for baby to unload his stress (by crying, or sleeping), but also that if WE are stressed and trying to supress our anxiety or frustrations, babies CAN and WILL pick up on that, and react to it.

 It's different than unloading stress. When a parent is acting differently that they are feeling, it is so disorienting for a baby that they can lose a sense of saftey and stability.  Their crying may feel more like fear or discomfort than a pure feeling of anger or sadness, or they may not be able to feel safe enough to fully cry which could result in fussyness or agitation. They may have trouble with sleeping, feeding, relaxing. Things that are normally not a problem.

If your baby is showing signs of disregulation (inability to go into feelings with your support, and/or inability to settle when soothed and comforted) consider that he may just be reacting to YOUR unspoken and ignored stress levels.

If you have a hunch this is going on in your home, try sitting quietly on your own and meditating, or practice conscious deep breathing..some practice that helps you to settle and relax.  Another option is to find a friend that you can trust will really listen and empathize (not try to fix or talk you out of your feelings) and unload your anxiety, fears, stress and frustration.

Then, also remember to talk to your baby - let her know that you are feeling stressed, but that you will take care of it, and her, but that it's not about her. Assure her that she's safe and it's okay to settle.

I welcome your comments: Please share what came up for you when you read this…how is your baby reacting to the holidays, or travel, or guests in the home? 

Posted: Newsletter, about sleeping, crying, infant communication

Sleep deprived? (click here to comment)1

Ah yes…the hot topic of new parents. So many of us experienced lack of sleep for many months - sometimes years - after our babies were born.  I felt I had it double, a baby who woke to nurse several times a night and a husband that woke me with his very loud snoring several times a night! For over two years I never slept longer than 40 minutes straight between the two of them.

And it did get better - my daughter eventually stopped nursing at night (by two years old, I facilitated this. It took one night of holding her and empathizing with her for a few hours as I refused to nurse her, another night of only 30 minutes of crying with me holding her, and a third night of just being awake for an hour. After that she slept through the night.)

And I finally slept after sending my husband into another room to sleep. My adrenals were shot and my midwife/naturopath encouraged me to do what I needed to do to get a full nights' rest.

But why is it so hard sometimes?  My daughter didn't wake up crying. She didn't cry for hours on end and I have so much compassion for those parents struggling with babies that cry for "no apparent reason."

I don't believe there is "no apparent reason" actually. I think babies want to tell us what it's like for them in this world, or what it was like being born, or what it was like even before that.  I think they want us to know how much they know about themselves, and want us to listen and empathize with it.

They tell us through movement, where they put their attention, what upsets them (being put down? Could that be a trigger for the time you weren't there for him?) and of course, through their emotions.

Time and time again it happens when I encourage parents to tune in to their baby and what they might be expressing, and begin naming it, parents report that their baby "stopped what they were doing and looked right at me and smiled." or "immidiately started getting fussy, like he was saying, 'Yeah, you understand, and can I tell you more?'"

It isn't random.

Babies cry for a reason, so if you are pacing the halls with a crying baby, instead of "shushing" her, try naming a few things that she might be trying to tell you - "Is it scary for you to be alone?" or "You seem so angry…are your remembering when you were taken away after you were born?"  Fill in the blank…tune in to yourself, and then to your baby, and you can learn to trust what she's telling you. Maybe you'll find that it was just the thing she needed to settle into sleep.

Sleep tight. 

Posted: Newsletter, about sleeping, crying

Article: How come my baby doesn’t sleep anymore? (share your comments, click here)2

Did your baby sleep…well, like a baby, for the first few months, and then suddenly stop sleeping?

It can be so frustrating, when you've gotten used to a regular bedtime routine, been able to look forward to a few hours - if not all night - of a break, and suddenly your baby goes on a sleep strike.

You might be feeling at a loss as to what to do. Why don't the same methods work anymore? What's going on with your baby? You may wonder if something is wrong, if he's teething, if he's sick…is this going to last forever?

Most information will tell you it might be teething, or a normal phase or a growth spurt. These might indeed be accurate, but I am offering another idea to consider.

One thing that doesn't get much attention is what's going on now, in your life, that might be affecting the stress level of your baby? And of those things, are any of them possible triggers of past memories of emotionally upsetting experiences?

Those are big questions, with some big statements behind them.

Past experiences? What do you mean?

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Has there been any change in routine recently? (Mom going back to work, an illness in the family, more stress than usual…)

• What is the emotion behind the waking up? Is your baby happily playing, and just not tired? Is she crying? And if so, is she sounding angry, sad, or scared?

• What happened in the past - prenatally or during birth or early infancy - that might have been upsetting for your baby? If you aren't sure that your baby can remember any of that, let's just say she can, allow yourself to be open to the possibility. Was she separated from you at birth? Was there any obstetric intervention that may have been scary for her, like forceps, Cesarean section, or cord around her neck?

• Can you see any correlation between what is happening now - pain from teething, more family stress, separation from mom - and what might be upsetting from the past?

Another thing to think about is that babies are sensitive to cycles in life. They may have upsetting memories come up around their birthday, or the correlating month in utero that was stressful for them. For example, at five months in utero, if there was a stressful experience for you, your baby may need to process it at five months old.

Or, perhaps your baby gets fussy every night at the same time which might correlate to, say, the transition period during your labor that was stressful for your baby.

This happened to me and my daughter when she was a newborn. My daughter woke about two a.m. every night and got fussy - not really crying, but unable to sleep. When I remembered that's when I went into transition during her birth, I was able to help her feel safe enough to go into her feelings more deeply, and she cried for a long time, and then settled into a long sleep. Once I recognized it, she only needed to process those feelings twice before she never woke up at that time again (as an infant!).

So if you've determined there might be something more than teething going on, what do you do with that?

If you see any patterns or correlations, or if you are willing to play with these ideas, you are probably wondering what the heck to do about it, and trying desperately to deal with feeling bad that something upsetting even happened for your baby at all!

We all want the best for our babies. When we discover something that upset our child whether or not we had any control over it at the time, we automatically go into "parental protection mode" and berate ourselves if we failed to prevent upsets for our infant.

If that is what you are feeling now, STOP. Take a breath, and remind yourself that you did the best you could with what you had. AND comfort yourself that even though we can't always prevent our children from having upsetting experiences, they are all resolvable.

Here are some tips to begin:

• Talk to your baby about his birth, or any upsetting experience you think he had. Speak slowly, and don't expect your baby to respond any particular way at first. Just open the door to letting him know that YOU know he may have had some feelings about he still needs to share.

• Learn to be aware that your baby is affected by your stress levels, what you do, and can process information if it's told to her slowly.

• Talk to your baby. Tell her what's going on, make sure to help her know the difference between what happened in the past and what's happening now.

• Affirm her experience as true: "Yes, I know I wasn't there for you right after you were born. That must have been scary and hard for you."

• Reassure your baby that then was then, and now is now: "I am here for you now. Even if I go to work, I come back and you are not alone."

• Get some support for yourself if you are having your own feelings about what is going on for your baby. Your baby is very sensitive to your emotions and thoughts, and if you can separate what you are feeling from what your baby is feeling you'll be able to really be a strong presence for your baby to feel safe with.

Bringing more awareness to what your baby might have experienced in the past, or what he might be experiencing now, can help you to parent in a way that supports your baby to resolve emotional upsets early.

Posted: Newsletter, about sleeping