2
August
2007
My collegues have written a new book!
Carrie Contey and Debby Takikawa, two dedicated and passionate women, have written "CALMS: A Guide to Soothing Your Baby."
I wholeheartedly reccommend this book as a reference, a resource and a comfort to you as a parent. The skills you will learn are invaluable. "Honest, short, sweet and scientific, it offers parents and professionals a new view of babies and a tool kit for creating family harmony and parent-infant connection."
You can purchase this book from the What Babies Want website, or from Amazon . Or simply by callling 1-800-893-5070.
Thank you Carrie and Debby!
You both are gifts to parents and infants everywhere.
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, crying, infant communication, parenting issues
21
May
2007
I don't ever get that question directly…
When I talk to clients, they don't come right out and ask "Am I a good mother?" The question is there, though. It's in the nervous way they sometimes interact with their baby - not an unusual thing when you are in the presence of someone "trained" or "an expert" in the field of parenting.
Let me just clarify - I don't consider myself "expert"…that's not to say I'm not good and knowledgable about what I do, but it is to say that to me, "expert" lends itself to thinking "I know what's right for you or your baby."
I don't.
(Note: if I suspect abuse, still, I don't tell people what to do, but I may suggest strongly, and I am obligated to tell Child Protective Services)
I have information that could be helpful if it resonates with you. I have training that could be useful in helping you and your baby find a deeper sense of connection, meaning, health and joy together. But I don't consider myself to be an expert about YOU as a mother (or father, or caregiver).
I have a client that recently chose to use the Ferber method to help her little boy sleep. To help HER sleep. She was exhausted, and due to circumstances of our scheduling, I wasn't able to help her find immidiate relief - she needed sleep NOW.
Many of the people I know, in my field and in my circle of friends, disagree with Ferber's method. They equate it with letting their baby "cry it out" and say it seems harsh and teaches the baby that no one is there for them.
I have to admit I believed this too. I never even looked at the book when my daughter was a baby and I don't suggest it to my clients. However, when my client told me she was beginning to "Ferberize" I decided to educate myself about it.
I know my client. I know she is a warm, loving mother, that has an easy way with her baby. She communicates well with him, is confident in my presence and it's clear he knows he is loved by her. However, the sleep issue. Both of them weren't sleeping. The help I could offer in between my being away and her vacation, and I think an illness in there as well was limited. So she made a decision, told me, and who am I to say it isn't the right thing to do? I don't know what is right for her and for her son!
So I read about Ferber and his method. It doesn't condone letting your baby cry alone for hours. It doesn't say you shouldn't care. It did seem like an approach that might be right for someone that needed to do something in order to get sleep so they could be the mother they wanted.
Not unlike when I stopped nursing my toddler at night, cold turkey. At 2 1/2 she was still waking several times a night to nurse. I was, until then, of the opinion that child-led nursing was right for me. It was, until I realized that years had gone by and between her night wakings and my husbands heavy snoring I hadn't slept more than 20 minutes at a time for YEARS.
I let her cry in my arms the first night I didn't nurse her. She cried for three hours straight. I supported her, empathized with her, she knew she wasn't alone, and she didn't get what she wanted. The next night she cried for 45 minutes. The next night she woke up, was awake for half an hour, but didn't cry at all, and after that she slept through the night.
From what I can tell from the Ferber method, a parent goes in and lets the baby know they aren't alone, regularly, at increasing intervals of time.
I probably wouldn't have done that, but I know many people that wouldn't have done what I did with my toddler. But it was right for me, and my confidence in that is what carried us through the tears.
I don't tell my clients what to do. I tell them how I can help. The Ferber method has helped my client, and I believe it will help us with the overall issues she and her son are grappling with…what's not helped by being rested?
I told her (even though she didn't ask outright) that she is a GREAT mother. Not because she did or didn't do a certain thing, but because she made a decision and followed through, trusting herself to make choices for her and her son in the face of a lot of controversy. I told her that there will likely be many times that she makes a decision that her son won't like. But regardless, if she is confident in it, that alone will be enough for her son to thrive.
So, are you a good mother?
I'd say, if you are doing your best and loving your child and getting help when you need it - YES. And if you aren't doing those things? You probably still are…but it's not me that decides.
Posted: Newsletter, about sleeping, crying, parenting issues
22
March
2007
Several clients have shared with me the frustration of feeling their identity slip away from them as they move into the role of mother.
I wrote an article on that a few months ago on that very subject (find it here). In this article, I discuss how to prioritize your needs and wants to help find balance in your life and integrate your new role as a parent.
Recently, I was reminded that it wasn't only the role itself, but how the emotions that were triggered by her baby were so new and unfamiliar that my client said, "these feelings are all so new! I just don't recognize myself with how I am acting!"
Have you ever reacted to your baby in ways that are completely foreign to you?
I can tell you although I spent many years - decades even - caring for the children of others all day long, that once I had my own baby, caring for her was surprising in its intensity.
I found myself with a range of emotions during the day that went deeper, came out quicker, and were more difficult to manage than anything I had ever experienced before.
My frustration when she wouldn't sleep caused me to get angry in a way that that I had never experienced in myself. I had always been so easy-going and calm, but when she, as a toddler, wouldn't nap I found myself so angry that I wanted to hit her!
And I never felt I was a very controlling person, but if Sidra didn't do what I wanted her to do - NEEDED her to do for my own sanity - I sometimes would just fall apart.
Does any of this sound familiar?
My experience, both with myself and with clients has taught me that this is not unusual.
If you've ever heard someone say, "Your child will push every button you have" you might have thought it an exaggeration…I know I did, after all, I took care of a zillion babies and children, my buttons had been pushed if they were going to get pushed at all!
Right?
Wrong!
Why do our own children bring out in us the characteristics that we don't want to see - indeed, the things we don't even know are THERE?
There is a connection we have with those that are most special to us, and that depth of intimacy has as its core the ability to illuminate all that is needing healing. A phrase I really like is:
Love Brings Up Everything Unlike Itself.
You may have experienced this with a life partner. But who knew that a tiny little person like your baby could evoke the kind of reactions and feelings you are finding yourself having?
Our babies are our teachers in many ways. (I know, I've got clichés coming out my ears in this article!) But it's true.
Think about what bugs you the most about your baby, or her behaviour? What is it that is wanting to get looked at inside you? Is it a control issue? Is it a deep fear of being good enough? Are you neglecting to process and heal uncomfortable feelings about being a mother or father?
Many times it's important to stop focusing on how to change our babies so that we can be happier, but take a good look at what's happening inside ourselves that is being reflected by them, or drawn out by them.
What unconscious dynamic is your baby reacting to when he has difficult behaviours? When he won't sleep, or when he resists your comfort?
Yes, often a baby is trying to tell you of his own experience and looking for empathy…but if this is resonating for you, maybe look honestly inside yourself for the places that are resistant to being a mother. Or seek to resolve the unresolved issues from your past that might be in the field of awareness within your family.
If you are finding yourself at odds with your baby, and triggered emotionally more than you ever thought you could be, be reassured you are not alone, or even unusual.
And then find the support you need to look inside yourself to identify and heal.
When I finally got support for the frustration I felt when my toddler wouldn't nap, I found a new level of awareness of what being a toddler was like for me, growing up in my family, and was able to move through some issues that I would never have found if not for my daughter.
And although she didn't settle down for a nap after that, (instead she stopped taking them), more importantly, I stopped trying to control her which was making us both miserable.
When we take responsibility for our own emotions and reactions, we have a whole new world open to us as a way of knowing ourselves and our babies more deeply. And with any luck, we can become more of who we are, which is really what our babies ask of us anyway.
Posted: Newsletter, crying, parenting issues
5
March
2007
This is such a common thing…so many babies don't like bathtime, some forever and some for a few months.
And it can be so hard for parents to know what to do, right? You know bathing has to happen, even if it's just a sponge bath, but sometimes, for some babies, water on their skin is so very upsetting!
How can you get through an essential activity when you know it's going to upset your baby? And why is it so upsetting for them?
Before I get to those answers, let me ask you this…
Have you ever had an experience that was really upsetting or traumatic, and that caused you to not want to do anything that reminded you of it ever again? We all have stuff like that….I am freak out about bees…anything that stings (although now, as an adult, I am okay with honeybees and bumblebees)…and I've been stung a total of 34 times in my life all before the age of 12…twice with multiple sting experiences involving hives. Even when I stayed very still…and didn't flap my arms…I have been stung.
I have a hard time with bees. When one buzzes around me I flap and squeal and look completely undignified and neurotic. And as pacifistic as I am, and cherishing of all life, when I see a yellow jacket I holler, "KILL, KILL!" and with a blessing that it be reincarnated as a butterfly, I squash it.
I am completely okay with this. I still love summer, and I still eat on the table on the deck on warm evenings…
But what if my fear was about something much bigger that affected my daily routine?
Babies have memories too. Sometimes bathing can trigger painful, scary or upsetting ones specifically from birth. Let's think about it…what does birth have in common with bathtime?
Hmmm…well, wet and chilly - even if the room is warm, wet skin is cold for a while, and compared with in the water or in the womb…brrrrr!
Hands, reaching to put you somewhere, or lift you out….for a C-section baby, this might be reminiscent of being lifted out of the womb…and for other babies maybe being carried away from Mom….
And drying off…wow, yeah, lets' not forget that first soft cotton blanket used to dry off Baby…for him it felt like sandpaper compared to the softness of internal body parts surrounded by water!
And if your baby has upsetting and unresolved feelings from his birth experience, it is completely possible that he has linked the entire process of bathtime with the time he was born…and he's trying to tell you about it.
Okay, that's the possible "why"….now what can you do?
First, empathize empathize empathize! Try and sense what it's like, and really listen to your baby. Reassure her that even though it was similar, it isn't birth and she's safe. Accept her anger and fear, hold it gently and don't shush her, but instead remind her she's not alone and thank her for telling you.
If you find yourself feeling triggered and emotional by your baby's upset, the above messages can be difficult to think of in the moment. It can be overwhelming to discover your baby has such strong feelings, and you might feel the need for support yourself.
Consider working with me individually to help you and your baby find flow and resonance about this or any other issue.
Posted: Newsletter, crying, infant communication, parenting issues
16
December
2006
We've all experienced the extra stress at the holidays, and many are reminding us to keep in mind how it might be for a young child with a new baby, and how to make your home safer for those preschoolers that are attempting to get attention.
Remember also, that it isn't just stressful for those with new siblings…
Babies regulate from our regulation - meaning, they pattern themselves off of how we are feeling. It can mean that if we are solid and centered, it's a good time for baby to unload his stress (by crying, or sleeping), but also that if WE are stressed and trying to supress our anxiety or frustrations, babies CAN and WILL pick up on that, and react to it.
It's different than unloading stress. When a parent is acting differently that they are feeling, it is so disorienting for a baby that they can lose a sense of saftey and stability. Their crying may feel more like fear or discomfort than a pure feeling of anger or sadness, or they may not be able to feel safe enough to fully cry which could result in fussyness or agitation. They may have trouble with sleeping, feeding, relaxing. Things that are normally not a problem.
If your baby is showing signs of disregulation (inability to go into feelings with your support, and/or inability to settle when soothed and comforted) consider that he may just be reacting to YOUR unspoken and ignored stress levels.
If you have a hunch this is going on in your home, try sitting quietly on your own and meditating, or practice conscious deep breathing..some practice that helps you to settle and relax. Another option is to find a friend that you can trust will really listen and empathize (not try to fix or talk you out of your feelings) and unload your anxiety, fears, stress and frustration.
Then, also remember to talk to your baby - let her know that you are feeling stressed, but that you will take care of it, and her, but that it's not about her. Assure her that she's safe and it's okay to settle.
I welcome your comments: Please share what came up for you when you read this…how is your baby reacting to the holidays, or travel, or guests in the home?
Posted: Newsletter, about sleeping, crying, infant communication
9
December
2006
Newborns probably able to feel pain: New research from the Karolinska Institute in Sweden said recently. Many doctors refrain from giving newborns pain relief during surgical procedures in the belief that they do not feel pain, but new research shows this could be wrong. See full article here.
It is alarming to me that so many doctors still believe that newborns don't feel pain. Working with babies to heal their birth trauma, and also working with adults with their birth trauma in a regressed state (and remembering my own) has made it very clear that pain is a reality for newborns.
Beyond "OUCH!" What does that mean? Well, we also know that at that very early and vulnerable state, babies develop beliefs about themselves and the world based on those experiences.
What does your baby believe about herself, how does she react to daily life that may trigger memories of pain?
What do the rest of you think?
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, crying, infant communication, parenting issues
2
December
2006
Ah yes…the hot topic of new parents. So many of us experienced lack of sleep for many months - sometimes years - after our babies were born. I felt I had it double, a baby who woke to nurse several times a night and a husband that woke me with his very loud snoring several times a night! For over two years I never slept longer than 40 minutes straight between the two of them.
And it did get better - my daughter eventually stopped nursing at night (by two years old, I facilitated this. It took one night of holding her and empathizing with her for a few hours as I refused to nurse her, another night of only 30 minutes of crying with me holding her, and a third night of just being awake for an hour. After that she slept through the night.)
And I finally slept after sending my husband into another room to sleep. My adrenals were shot and my midwife/naturopath encouraged me to do what I needed to do to get a full nights' rest.
But why is it so hard sometimes? My daughter didn't wake up crying. She didn't cry for hours on end and I have so much compassion for those parents struggling with babies that cry for "no apparent reason."
I don't believe there is "no apparent reason" actually. I think babies want to tell us what it's like for them in this world, or what it was like being born, or what it was like even before that. I think they want us to know how much they know about themselves, and want us to listen and empathize with it.
They tell us through movement, where they put their attention, what upsets them (being put down? Could that be a trigger for the time you weren't there for him?) and of course, through their emotions.
Time and time again it happens when I encourage parents to tune in to their baby and what they might be expressing, and begin naming it, parents report that their baby "stopped what they were doing and looked right at me and smiled." or "immidiately started getting fussy, like he was saying, 'Yeah, you understand, and can I tell you more?'"
It isn't random.
Babies cry for a reason, so if you are pacing the halls with a crying baby, instead of "shushing" her, try naming a few things that she might be trying to tell you - "Is it scary for you to be alone?" or "You seem so angry…are your remembering when you were taken away after you were born?" Fill in the blank…tune in to yourself, and then to your baby, and you can learn to trust what she's telling you. Maybe you'll find that it was just the thing she needed to settle into sleep.
Sleep tight.
Posted: Newsletter, about sleeping, crying
4
August
2006
You've heard the phrases, "We're just not on the same page" or "We're not cut from the same cloth" and "We're not on the same wavelength."
What are they talking about?
It's clear the meaning is "We think/act differently" but
when you look closer at the words, they are saying
something much more.
Think of it like music.
Take two different pieces of music - if you play
them at the same time it's bound to sound terrible.
They won't match up and there will be discord,
confusing tempos, and that uncomfortable vibration
in the air when sound waves are not coherent.
But within the same piece of music, different harmonies
contribute to a pleasant (we hope) sound.
"We're not on the same wavelength" is really just
that - two pieces of music -or two people -
that are not harmonizing.
How in the world does this relate to you and your baby?
Well, you and your baby each have your own rhythm, or
tempo, that you move through your life with. It's
actually a measurable electromagnetic (EM) field that is
strongest in a three-foot diameter from the heart.
The rhythmic waves emitted are individual, and patterned.
When you are holding your baby, your EM field and
your baby's field intersect and interact. You can
imagine radio waves that either blend or clash when
interacting.
When we are upset or under stress these EM waves show
up as an irregular pattern, incoherent and chaotic. When
we are calm, they are regular and coherent. It is nearly
impossible to create a harmonic blending of these fields
when both of the EM waves are chaotic and dissonant.
This is why it's important to calm yourself before
attempting to calm your baby. When baby is upset,
her tempo is irregular. She will need mom or dad, or
another caregiver with a steady rhythmic heart tempo
to help her pull out of her own incoherence, otherwise
everyone contributes to more energetic chaos. Like
two pieces of music that don't match up.
Each of our rhythms were developed primarily during
pregnancy. This is when babies first begin to learn to
regulate their own tempo. And it's where they first
interact with their mother's EM field.
What if I was really upset and stressed for the whole
pregnancy? Will that matter?
Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: If you think that your baby experienced
primarily incoherent and chaotic patterns while
growing prenatally (i.e., Mother was under chronic
stress for the duration) she may have adapted to that,
and it could be challenging to find a way to blend with you.
Prenatally, your baby learns your patterns and the
beginnings of how to regulate her emotions. They become
familiar - whether or not they are coherent. If there were
only, or mostly, chaotic patterns to imprint from, your
baby may not have a solid foundation to learn to regulate
her emotions.
The great news is that you can still shift that pattern,
starting now.
TIPS to "match up" with your baby and lift your baby out
of "dissonent" EM patterns:
– Find your own heart beat. Put your hand over your heart
and follow the beating for a few minutes. This can help you
slow down, and listen to yourself, and bring your heart waves
into a coherent pattern.
– Slow down. Your baby operates at a much slower pace
than you do. To match his pace, slow down - speak
more slowly, and move from one activity to another
more slowly and repeat yourself.
– Involve your baby in what is happening. Tell him what
you are going to do, then what you are doing, then
what you did.
– Name his actions. It is very orienting to a baby
to have his actions named by you. "Oh, you are reaching
for that toy!" "There you are, kicking your feet."
Posted: Newsletter, crying