1
May
2008
This evening I'm scheduled to hold a mini-lecture at the Belly to Baby store, in downtown Wenatchee. I've invited health and wellness practitioners to attend, as well as expecting or current parents.
My intention is to introduce myself and what I do to this community. I hope to articulate the main and basic principles of prenatal and perinatal psychology, but not get too detailed in that…Keep It Simple, Sweetie.
And the places I get stuck when I talk to people are citing studies and accurately describing them off the top of my head. If I am challenged in what I speak of, will I fumble and appear unprofessional and incompetent or gracefully field the comments and questions of skeptics?
How many times can I refer to something I read, or was taught before I start looking like I don't have any first hand experience of my own? I do, but not always stories that are useful in illustrating a concept at hand.
ACK. I always feel like I need more training, and more experience…but if I keep getting more training I'll never get out there in the community to get the experience.
So, off I go this evening, and I hope people show up! Next week I start a class for individuals and couples expecting a baby…
If you are interested, please let me know!
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues, what's happening in my life
2
August
2007
My collegues have written a new book!
Carrie Contey and Debby Takikawa, two dedicated and passionate women, have written "CALMS: A Guide to Soothing Your Baby."
I wholeheartedly reccommend this book as a reference, a resource and a comfort to you as a parent. The skills you will learn are invaluable. "Honest, short, sweet and scientific, it offers parents and professionals a new view of babies and a tool kit for creating family harmony and parent-infant connection."
You can purchase this book from the What Babies Want website, or from Amazon . Or simply by callling 1-800-893-5070.
Thank you Carrie and Debby!
You both are gifts to parents and infants everywhere.
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, crying, infant communication, parenting issues
10
July
2007
I'm at my mom's house, and have been since the end of April. Next door is a delightful family with three girls all within a year - the oldest, and then twins that were born ten months later.
Well, she and I were talking over the fence and somehow the conversation got around to birth. Her friend is having a baby soon and wanted to have a natural labor and birth. My neighbor offered this advice, "Don't worry about drugs, or C-section…they're there if you need them." She looked at me and said, "You probably would say something very different, right?"
I said, "Well, no actually. Medical technology is important and valuable, and she shouldn't worry about those things. Worry is one thing that can really contribute to a difficult labor. What I would say though, is to realize that what happens during birth matters to the baby. So if she were to need interventions of some sort, to talk to the baby and say why and include the baby in what is happening."
My neighbor asked what I meant by, "It matters to the baby."
Well, for instance, if a baby has a C-section, it might be okay for the mother but the baby may feel terrified. Like if labor hasn't started (and it's the baby that starts labor by secreting the hormone that gets it all going) then Baby ins't ready…suddenly, from a baby's point of view, mom may be scared, baby goes numb, there is bright lights, people with masks on, and hands lifting me out of my space…that's a LOT. And don't think for a moment that babies wouldn't know to be frightened by surgical masks…their brains are wired to look for and recognize human faces and if the first thing they see is NOT that, it can be disorienting. I also said that beliefs and imprints about how the world works can be affected by other kinds of birth too - like other interventions, long labor…
My neighbor was curious and began, with relief said, "well, all my girls came out so fast!"
I said, well, that can be hard too sometimes. Really fast labors can lead to transition issues…like "everytime something is going to change I need to do whatever I can to slow it down." Or, "Going from one place or situation to another is SCARY, I have to avoid it, or brace myself for it. If I get out of control something bad can happen." They may stall, procrastinate, get really emotional, come unglued, or be very controlling of what happens.
By this time, this young mother's jaw was hanging open and she was staring at one of her daughters. "You just described Malory" she said. I wasn't surprised. This happens a lot, where I describe belief patterns that fit with a certain type of birth…
We began talking about other things that can affect us even as far back as prenatal. Her mother had an anxiety disorder during her gestation, and that of her siblings. All of them have issues with anxiety. it isn't just genetic, I said. It's a learned response pattern.
And it can be changed. We know, and are learning more every day, about how to change neurological pathways in the body. Regular counseling and therapy doesn't do it…these imprints are in the BODY, in the cells…healing happens at that level, not by talking or expressing emotions (although these are useful and helpful things to do too). It is possible to access memory held in the body and release trauma patters.
And it is possible to do so for babies and children as well, so that these patterns and mistaken beliefs don't limit the life of an individual.
My neighbor headed inside to talk to her husband excitedly.
I love over the fence chats!
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues
5
March
2007
This is such a common thing…so many babies don't like bathtime, some forever and some for a few months.
And it can be so hard for parents to know what to do, right? You know bathing has to happen, even if it's just a sponge bath, but sometimes, for some babies, water on their skin is so very upsetting!
How can you get through an essential activity when you know it's going to upset your baby? And why is it so upsetting for them?
Before I get to those answers, let me ask you this…
Have you ever had an experience that was really upsetting or traumatic, and that caused you to not want to do anything that reminded you of it ever again? We all have stuff like that….I am freak out about bees…anything that stings (although now, as an adult, I am okay with honeybees and bumblebees)…and I've been stung a total of 34 times in my life all before the age of 12…twice with multiple sting experiences involving hives. Even when I stayed very still…and didn't flap my arms…I have been stung.
I have a hard time with bees. When one buzzes around me I flap and squeal and look completely undignified and neurotic. And as pacifistic as I am, and cherishing of all life, when I see a yellow jacket I holler, "KILL, KILL!" and with a blessing that it be reincarnated as a butterfly, I squash it.
I am completely okay with this. I still love summer, and I still eat on the table on the deck on warm evenings…
But what if my fear was about something much bigger that affected my daily routine?
Babies have memories too. Sometimes bathing can trigger painful, scary or upsetting ones specifically from birth. Let's think about it…what does birth have in common with bathtime?
Hmmm…well, wet and chilly - even if the room is warm, wet skin is cold for a while, and compared with in the water or in the womb…brrrrr!
Hands, reaching to put you somewhere, or lift you out….for a C-section baby, this might be reminiscent of being lifted out of the womb…and for other babies maybe being carried away from Mom….
And drying off…wow, yeah, lets' not forget that first soft cotton blanket used to dry off Baby…for him it felt like sandpaper compared to the softness of internal body parts surrounded by water!
And if your baby has upsetting and unresolved feelings from his birth experience, it is completely possible that he has linked the entire process of bathtime with the time he was born…and he's trying to tell you about it.
Okay, that's the possible "why"….now what can you do?
First, empathize empathize empathize! Try and sense what it's like, and really listen to your baby. Reassure her that even though it was similar, it isn't birth and she's safe. Accept her anger and fear, hold it gently and don't shush her, but instead remind her she's not alone and thank her for telling you.
If you find yourself feeling triggered and emotional by your baby's upset, the above messages can be difficult to think of in the moment. It can be overwhelming to discover your baby has such strong feelings, and you might feel the need for support yourself.
Consider working with me individually to help you and your baby find flow and resonance about this or any other issue.
Posted: Newsletter, crying, infant communication, parenting issues
4
February
2007
I've talked about a lot of possible reasons why babies can be upset, or act in ways that seem unhealthy. Your stress, your baby's birth memories that may be upsetting, moving too fast, and jumping from one activity to another…are all reasons why a baby might need to tell you, or show you, what's going on for him.But what happens when none of those reasons fit?
What if, no matter how hard you reflect on your baby's birth, prenatal experience and infancy to date, you can't find anything that resonates as a reason for his upset?If you had a beautiful birth, peaceful and connected pregnancy, and no problems during or after the birth - what could be wrong?Of course, ruling out any physical or medical reasons - digestion, food allergies, illness - what's left?
Well, could your baby be telling you something about YOU?
Let me tell you a story.
When I was in school one of my instructors showed excerpts of a video session with of one of his young clients and her mother. I'll relay the key points for you and then explain why this is important.
A toddler could barely walk, and she kept her legs stiff and spread apart so that it was even hard for her to stand. Her parents couldn't figure out what was going on with their baby - having been to see medical specialists and found nothing physically wrong to explain her posture.
This had been going on for several months. She was over a year old.
In the session, my instructor could not find any reason in this toddler's own history to explain her odd stance. So he asked the mother what was happening for her around that same age. As it turned out, the mother had been in a body cast from the age of six months, to well over a year.
It was so many years ago, and who would ever consider it important in this case? But at the next session, this mother brought in her photos of her as a toddler and astoundingly, the cast she was in kept her legs in exactly the same position as her daughter's legs were now, voluntarily.
My instructor then had the mother "re-experience" that time in her life using a method I call "regression." She went back in her mind to that age when she was in a cast and remembered what it felt like, and was able to identify that part of her that was stuck there. As she felt the blocked energy and released it, during the session the little girl, who was in the room while the mother was in her regression, stood up normally for the first time, her legs in the usual, healthy position.
What is important here is that energetically, emotionally, and physically, we can carry our trauma in our bodies. We hold our upsets and blocked energy in our cells, and then - since our cells are what create our babies - we pass those cellular memories along to our children unwittingly.
If there is "no reason" for your baby's upset or emotions that you can see, try looking to your own past. Look deeply, journal, or talk to someone who can "hold your hand" while you explore. The above story is a extreme one, and perhaps yours is not. But maybe you'll find something out about yourself, and in so doing, you can own it as yours, resolve it, thus releasing your child from something that doesn't belong to him.
Click the title above to respond with questions or comments!
Posted: Newsletter, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, infant communication, parenting issues
22
January
2007
I found a wonderful post on the Green Parenting blog.
The author shares a very personal story about a recurring yeast infection caused by birth control pills, that made sex very painful. After two years she was able to get help with the pain - even though the yeast infections had stopped long before.
She says that her body remembered the pain of sex from when she had yeast infections. (It's a wonderful story, read it here, lots of information that needs to be shared, and I learned a lot.)
Hmmm….
Yep, this is the cellular memory I talk about. When babies have memories from conception on, it isn't in their intellectual memory - it's in their bodies. And what is stored is all information - physical as well as emotional, since emotions create chemical changes in the body, and get absorbed by the embryo/fetus/baby.
It's why, if for example, upon discovery of being pregnant a woman is upset, ashamed, or angry, those feelings may get stored in the cells of a new being, and as they divide, they help create the entire body - and the baby then has the memory or sense of "I don't belong here" or "I am not wanted" or "I make people mad," which can manifest in long term daily life as shyness, distress at going anywhere new, distress at being the center of attention…of course this isn't the only reason for these feelings, but I have seen after working with the pain some people have felt when they were "discovered" those other fears and negative experiences shift and dissapate quite profoundly.
Yes, our bodies hold onto painful experiences and emotions, and remembers them. And this is true as soon as we have a body to store the information. Learning to identify what somatic memory is being held, and where, can allow us to release them so we aren't living our lives avoiding the emotional or physical pain - consciously or unconciously.
Good news, we also store the GOOD feelings and experiences!
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication
21
January
2007
"When are you due?" That is probably the most commonly asked question to any woman who is obviously pregnant. And the answer is usually a date, one day - my daughter was due on December 20th. But she wasn't born until the 28th. Did that make her "late?"
Only 4% of babies are born on their due date. Most are born within what I call the "due zone" - two weeks before, and two weeks after the "date." It leaves a bit more room to allow a baby to find her time to be born before sending messages about "hurry up" or "you're late."
Do these messages really matter?
Let me tell you my story.
My mom's version: I was due on her birthday, and began showing signs of being born the week before. Two weekends in a row the obstetrician canceled his ski weekend because he thought my mom would go into labor and he didn't want to be away when she did. However, I scooted back up in the womb and stayed put. I had songs about coming out sung to me, and threats of being named Llewellyn if I didn't come out soon. Another week went by, it was now two days past my due "date" and the doctor didn't want to cancel another weekend so he decided to have me induced.
Labor hadn't started and he admisisterd pitocin to my mother, gave her an epidural, and contractions began with frequency and intensity right away. I was born two hours later. I was given to my mother right away, because I wasn't crying and she needed to see I was alright.
My version (learned though several regressions and various forms of energy work): I wasn't quite ready to come out yet. I was trying to figure out when, and I did push myself back up in the womb - leaving my tiny arm over my head blocking the birth canal. I was feeling peaceful and secure when, without warning, I was hit with a drug that made my heart race followed by contractions so strong and so close together that I couldn't get enough oxygen in between them. I was terrified, and it felt like I was dying. I felt forced out of a tranquil state into a car crash of labor. And my arm that had been above my head was now trapped between my head and my mom's pelvic bone. It fractured during the turn through the pelvis, and soon after that I was out. I was in shock, and grieving.
I was met with smiles and tears of joy. Although I wasn't very "late" and I didn't really get that message, the message I did get was "My timing isn't important." Which, accompanied by my pain and fear not being seen and empathized with translated to "I am not important," "The needs of others' are more important than mine."
When I think of babies who are told to "hurry up" and who are induced, or given a C-section due to their "lateness" (if it's within the two weeks after the "date" and otherwise not medically necessary) I wonder, how are parents going to know what their baby is feeling and thinking about? How will they know to respond to what the baby experienced in an empathetic way?
For me, those decisions I made became beliefs about myself and many of my decisions about who I was and how I lived and played were guided by those beliefs. For instance, as a playmate I was quick to share and hand over what I was playing with. To everyone else it looked like I was very kind and mature for my age, but really, it was motiviated by a belief that I didn't get to have what I wanted or needed, and that whoever was asking for the toy I was using deserved it more than I did. Really, it was the beginning of my lifelong "disease to please" which took years of personal work to heal from.
I had to learn to say "No" to others, learn to find my own timing (by the way, I was a stickler for promptness - if I was late I would get really anxious), and learn to value myself.
So, message we give our soon to be, and newborn babies are very important. How we feel, what we say, the motives behind our actions and thoughts are all absorbed and understood and translated by each individual baby in ways we don't always know.
And this isn't just my experirence - clients and collegues I've worked with all have "core beliefs" that guide their path through life, and often these are mistaken beliefs originating sometime around birth and reinforced during infancy.
My daughter didn't come on her due date - she was born eight days later, and I told her, "I can hardly wait to meet you. You find the right time for you to be born, and we'll be ready."
What are some messages your baby got - positive and negative - when he was new? Do you see any patterns of behaviour or preferences that match up with possible mistaken beliefs he might have?
Do you notice patterns of behaviour or beliefs of your own and are are beginning to wonder if they originated at or before your birth? Please share your story and wonderings!
Posted: Newsletter, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues
3
January
2007
(click the above title to leave/read comments)
I normally don't make resolutions in the new year…in fact, I made one years ago, never to make any new years' resolutions again. And now I will be breaking that one, because of the Birth Ecology Projects ' invitation to enter a contest.
So, I decided that it's a good time to make public my resoltions for this year. It's a good time, since I am in the process of developing my goals for my site and business, and clarifying what it is that I do.
My New Years' Resolution is to find that part of myself that prefers to hide, and gently encourage her to emerge into the world, safely and lovingly. This would support me to be able to help babies keep their connection with Spirit intact, and help parents find ways of supporting themselves and their babies consciously in this journey of life.
It may mean teaching about memory, and what we know about prenatal and newborn ability to remember and make decisions and develop beliefs. It may mean working one on one with families and babies to assist in the healing of a traumatic birth memory. It may mean working with adults who want to explore and heal their own births, letting go of limiting beliefs made very early.
And often it's finding joy in the joy of a new parents, enthusiastically listening to all that's good, and how amazing their baby is.
Posted: Newsletter, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues
1
January
2007
It's been a while since I've posted! Oh my the holidays do take away my attention.
They were good though, I had a wonderful time with my family, I hope you did too.
However, a few folks that I connected with over the holidays asked me, "So what is it that you do?" And I realize I haven't been all that clear here on my site. Maybe there'll be some changes in the content on a few of the pages soon.
My understanding is that babies are not born as blank slates. They come in - and when I say that, I mean they "come in" to a body, from Spirit - aware, and conscious…their brain is not developed enough to support them cognitively, but they are able to remember and imprint experiences into their psyche, their physical body and develop their belief systems.
Many of the psychological, neurological and biological fields are learning how early we are affected by our expeirences. We are all affected by how we "came in" to this world, the beliefs we established, patterns we imprinted into how we make decsions, how we relate to each other, what we believe about the world. Initial upsets, unresloved, are repeated and shape how we interpret our interactions.
Therapists are learning everywhere that going back to very early experiences leads to a greater level of awareness, deeper and lasting change and healing. What the prenatal and perinatal psychology field is learning is that those very early experiences can begin as early as conception. We are also learning how to apply these concepts and methods to infants, so that their sense of self can remain intact, and negative, mistaken beliefs corrected before they become lifelong imprints.
One way to put what I do is, "I help parents to learn from their babies about who their baby is, and support those babies in keeping their spiritual connection intact." Or maybe "spiritual midwife" is another way of putting it.
On a more basic level, I help advocate for what babies want us to know about who they are and what they've experienced, and what matters to them. Sometimes that's teaching/coaching parenting skills. Sometimes that's helping babies resolve birth issues. Sometimes it's helping parents resolve birth issues (their own birth, or their babies' delivery…)
My passion and joy is to watch people of all ages come into deeper connection with themselves, whatever that looks like. I love to see parents glow when they understand their baby's needs. I love to feel the palpable connection between a parent and new baby when everyone feels "met" on several levels.
I teach. I learn. I facilitate. And through all that, I experience great joy when I see how I've helped families become more of who they are in connection together.
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues
16
December
2006
We've all experienced the extra stress at the holidays, and many are reminding us to keep in mind how it might be for a young child with a new baby, and how to make your home safer for those preschoolers that are attempting to get attention.
Remember also, that it isn't just stressful for those with new siblings…
Babies regulate from our regulation - meaning, they pattern themselves off of how we are feeling. It can mean that if we are solid and centered, it's a good time for baby to unload his stress (by crying, or sleeping), but also that if WE are stressed and trying to supress our anxiety or frustrations, babies CAN and WILL pick up on that, and react to it.
It's different than unloading stress. When a parent is acting differently that they are feeling, it is so disorienting for a baby that they can lose a sense of saftey and stability. Their crying may feel more like fear or discomfort than a pure feeling of anger or sadness, or they may not be able to feel safe enough to fully cry which could result in fussyness or agitation. They may have trouble with sleeping, feeding, relaxing. Things that are normally not a problem.
If your baby is showing signs of disregulation (inability to go into feelings with your support, and/or inability to settle when soothed and comforted) consider that he may just be reacting to YOUR unspoken and ignored stress levels.
If you have a hunch this is going on in your home, try sitting quietly on your own and meditating, or practice conscious deep breathing..some practice that helps you to settle and relax. Another option is to find a friend that you can trust will really listen and empathize (not try to fix or talk you out of your feelings) and unload your anxiety, fears, stress and frustration.
Then, also remember to talk to your baby - let her know that you are feeling stressed, but that you will take care of it, and her, but that it's not about her. Assure her that she's safe and it's okay to settle.
I welcome your comments: Please share what came up for you when you read this…how is your baby reacting to the holidays, or travel, or guests in the home?
Posted: Newsletter, about sleeping, crying, infant communication