What Your Baby Knows

Are Transitions Difficult For Your Baby?0

Let's face it, no matter how hard we attempt to slow down our lives, they are fast paced. Meetings, deadlines, schedules…and if you stay at home with your child, you may feel pressured to "get it all done" during the day - and that includes going to the park, driving the older kids to lessons, grocery shopping…

There's simply a lot going on, most of the time.

It's normal for babies to protest a fast pace. How often have we expereienced a screaming infant in the grocery store or on an airplane?  And I'm sure we all know babies who HATE the car seat.

What you may not realize is that if the pace is fast for us…it is light speed for a baby. And that the transistion from one activity or location to another can be upsetting for them.

Your baby's brain doesn't process information at the same rate that you do, so when you are moving through your life, and taking your baby along with you, she is experiencing a bombardment of sensory input, and may become disoriented.

Think of it this way…lets say you are in a foreign country, and don't understand the customs or language at all. You know your friend you are visiting, but most other people are strangers.  Let's say your friend, either says something super fast in this foreign language, or doesn't say anything at all, suddenly takes you by the arm, and gently ushers you into the downtown streets and goes about her errands with you in tow - but with no explanation or time for you to "catch up" with what's happening. You go from place to place, and as time goes on, you probably become more and more resistant and try to get her to slow down…but what if she doesn't?

A little overwhelming?

Yeah…welcome to your baby's world.

Transitions occur several times a day. Anytime you move your baby from one place to another, or change the activity - like if you are playing with her on the floor but suddenly go to answer the phone…to your baby, that can be startling.

For some babies, transitions are bigger than the event itself.  What was the biggest transition your baby ever experienced? You got it…his birth. The ultimate transition. How did that go? Consider that how your baby transitioned into the world is also how he perceives all transitions.  Without going into a judgment of "bad" or "good" think of what it might have been like for him…was it a long struggle? Scary? Connected? Too much too fast? Out of control? Someone else's timing? Painful? Smooth?

Your baby may be remembering or reacting to body memories of his birth with each transition he experiences.

Next time you transition from one thing to another, go more slowly and talk to your baby about it…be aware that it might be a bigger deal to her than to you, and see if you can be present for that with empathy.

Posted: Newsletter

Is My Baby Telling Me Something About ME?0

I've talked about a lot of possible reasons why babies can be upset, or act in ways that seem unhealthy. Your stress, your baby's birth memories that may be upsetting, moving too fast, and jumping from one activity to another…are all reasons why a baby might need to tell you, or show you, what's going on for him.But what happens when none of those reasons fit?

What if, no matter how hard you reflect on your baby's birth, prenatal experience and infancy to date, you can't find anything that resonates as a reason for his upset?If you had a beautiful birth, peaceful and connected pregnancy, and no problems during or after the birth - what could be wrong?Of course, ruling out any physical or medical reasons - digestion, food allergies, illness - what's left?
Well, could your baby be telling you something about YOU?

Let me tell you a story.

When I was in school one of my instructors showed excerpts of a video session with of one of his young clients and her mother. I'll relay the key points for you and then explain why this is important.

A toddler could barely walk, and she kept her legs stiff and spread apart so that it was even hard for her to stand.  Her parents couldn't figure out what was going on with their baby - having been to see medical specialists and found nothing physically wrong to explain her posture.

This had been going on for several months. She was over a year old.

In the session, my instructor could not find any reason in this toddler's own history to explain her odd stance. So he asked the mother what was happening for her around that same age.  As it turned out, the mother had been in a body cast from the age of six months, to well over a year.

It was so many years ago, and who would ever consider it important in this case?  But at the next session, this mother brought in her photos of her as a toddler and astoundingly, the cast she was in kept her legs in exactly the same position as her daughter's legs were now, voluntarily.

My instructor then had the mother "re-experience" that time in her life using a method I call "regression." She went back in her mind to that age when she was in a cast and remembered what it felt like, and was able to identify that part of her that was stuck there. As she felt the blocked energy and released it, during the session the little girl, who was in the room while the mother was in her regression, stood up normally for the first time, her legs in the usual, healthy position.

What is important here is that energetically, emotionally, and physically, we can carry our trauma in our bodies. We hold our upsets and blocked energy in our cells, and then - since our cells are what create our babies - we pass those cellular memories along to our children unwittingly.

If there is "no reason" for your baby's upset or emotions that you can see, try looking to your own past. Look deeply, journal, or talk to someone who can "hold your hand" while you explore. The above story is a extreme one, and perhaps yours is not. But maybe you'll find something out about yourself, and in so doing, you can own it as yours, resolve it, thus releasing your child from something that doesn't belong to him.

Click the title above to respond with questions or comments!

Posted: Newsletter, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, infant communication, parenting issues

Was Your Baby “Late?” (click here to leave comments/questions)2

"When are you due?"  That is probably the most commonly asked question to any woman who is obviously pregnant. And the answer is usually a date, one day - my daughter was due on December 20th.  But she wasn't born until the 28th. Did that make her "late?"

Only 4% of babies are born on their due date.  Most are born within what I call the "due zone" - two weeks before, and two weeks after the "date."  It leaves a bit more room to allow a baby to find her time to be born before sending messages about "hurry up" or "you're late."

Do these messages really matter?

Let me tell you my story.

My mom's version: I was due on her birthday, and began showing signs of being born the week before. Two weekends in a row the obstetrician canceled his ski weekend because he thought my mom would go into labor and he didn't want to be away when she did.  However, I scooted back up in the womb and stayed put. I had songs about coming out sung to me, and threats of being named Llewellyn if I didn't come out soon. Another week went by, it was now two days past my due "date" and the doctor didn't want to cancel another weekend so he decided to have me induced.

Labor hadn't started and he admisisterd pitocin to my mother, gave her an epidural, and contractions began with frequency and intensity right away. I was born two hours later.  I was given to my mother right away, because I wasn't crying and she needed to see I was alright.

My version (learned though several regressions and various forms of energy work): I wasn't quite ready to come out yet. I was trying to figure out when, and I did push myself back up in the womb - leaving my tiny arm over my head blocking the birth canal.  I was feeling peaceful and secure when, without warning, I was hit with a drug that made my heart race followed by contractions so strong and so close together that I couldn't get enough oxygen in between them.  I was terrified, and it felt like I was dying. I felt forced out of a tranquil state into a car crash of labor. And my arm that had been above my head was now trapped between my head and my mom's pelvic bone. It fractured during the turn through the pelvis, and soon after that I was out.  I was in shock, and grieving.

I was met with smiles and tears of joy. Although I wasn't very "late" and I didn't really get that message, the message I did get was "My timing isn't important." Which, accompanied by my pain and fear not being seen and empathized with translated to "I am not important,"  "The needs of others' are more important than mine."

When I think of babies who are told to "hurry up" and who are induced, or given a C-section due to their "lateness" (if it's within the two weeks after the "date" and otherwise not medically necessary) I wonder, how are parents going to know what their baby is feeling and thinking about? How will they know to respond to what the baby experienced in an empathetic way?

For me, those decisions I made became beliefs about myself and many of my decisions about who I was and how I lived and played were guided by those beliefs. For instance, as a playmate I was quick to share and hand over what I was playing with. To everyone else it looked like I was very kind and mature for my age, but really, it was motiviated by a belief that I didn't get to have what I wanted or needed, and that whoever was asking for the toy I was using deserved it more than I did. Really, it was the beginning of my lifelong "disease to please" which took years of personal work to heal from. 

I had to learn to say "No" to others, learn to find my own timing (by the way, I was a stickler for promptness - if I was late I would get really anxious), and learn to value myself.

So, message we give our soon to be, and newborn babies are very important.  How we feel, what we say, the motives behind our actions and thoughts are all absorbed and understood and translated by each individual baby in ways we don't always know.

And this isn't just my experirence - clients and collegues I've worked with all have "core beliefs" that guide their path through life, and often these are mistaken beliefs originating sometime around birth and reinforced during infancy.

My daughter didn't come on her due date - she was born eight days later, and I told her, "I can hardly wait to meet you. You find the right time for you to be born, and we'll be ready."

What are some messages your baby got - positive and negative - when he was new? Do you see any patterns of behaviour or preferences that match up with possible mistaken beliefs he might have?

Do you notice patterns of behaviour or beliefs of your own and are are beginning to wonder if they originated at or before your birth? Please share your story and wonderings! 

Posted: Newsletter, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues

Share Your New Years’ Resolutions!0

(click the above title to leave/read comments)

 I normally don't make resolutions in the new year…in fact, I made one years ago, never to make any new years' resolutions again. And now I will be breaking that one, because of the Birth Ecology Projects ' invitation to enter a contest.

So, I decided that it's a good time to make public my resoltions for this year. It's a good time, since I am in the process of developing my goals for my site and business, and clarifying what it is that I do.

My New Years' Resolution is to find that part of myself that prefers to hide, and gently encourage her to emerge into the world, safely and lovingly. This would support me to be able to help babies keep their connection with Spirit intact, and help parents find ways of supporting themselves and their babies consciously in this journey of life.

It may mean teaching about memory, and what we know about prenatal and newborn ability to remember and make decisions and develop beliefs. It may mean working one on one with families and babies to assist in the healing of a traumatic birth memory. It may mean working with adults who want to explore and heal their own births, letting go of limiting beliefs made very early.

And often it's finding joy in the joy of a new parents, enthusiastically listening to all that's good, and how amazing their baby is. 

Posted: Newsletter, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues

So How About That Holiday Stress? (please comment by clicking here)2

We've all experienced the extra stress at the holidays, and many are reminding us to keep in mind how it might be for a young child with a new baby, and how to make your home safer for those preschoolers that are attempting to get attention.

Remember also, that it isn't just stressful for those with new siblings…

Babies regulate from our regulation - meaning, they pattern themselves off of how we are feeling.  It can mean that if we are solid and centered, it's a good time for baby to unload his stress (by crying, or sleeping), but also that if WE are stressed and trying to supress our anxiety or frustrations, babies CAN and WILL pick up on that, and react to it.

 It's different than unloading stress. When a parent is acting differently that they are feeling, it is so disorienting for a baby that they can lose a sense of saftey and stability.  Their crying may feel more like fear or discomfort than a pure feeling of anger or sadness, or they may not be able to feel safe enough to fully cry which could result in fussyness or agitation. They may have trouble with sleeping, feeding, relaxing. Things that are normally not a problem.

If your baby is showing signs of disregulation (inability to go into feelings with your support, and/or inability to settle when soothed and comforted) consider that he may just be reacting to YOUR unspoken and ignored stress levels.

If you have a hunch this is going on in your home, try sitting quietly on your own and meditating, or practice conscious deep breathing..some practice that helps you to settle and relax.  Another option is to find a friend that you can trust will really listen and empathize (not try to fix or talk you out of your feelings) and unload your anxiety, fears, stress and frustration.

Then, also remember to talk to your baby - let her know that you are feeling stressed, but that you will take care of it, and her, but that it's not about her. Assure her that she's safe and it's okay to settle.

I welcome your comments: Please share what came up for you when you read this…how is your baby reacting to the holidays, or travel, or guests in the home? 

Posted: Newsletter, about sleeping, crying, infant communication

Sleep deprived? (click here to comment)1

Ah yes…the hot topic of new parents. So many of us experienced lack of sleep for many months - sometimes years - after our babies were born.  I felt I had it double, a baby who woke to nurse several times a night and a husband that woke me with his very loud snoring several times a night! For over two years I never slept longer than 40 minutes straight between the two of them.

And it did get better - my daughter eventually stopped nursing at night (by two years old, I facilitated this. It took one night of holding her and empathizing with her for a few hours as I refused to nurse her, another night of only 30 minutes of crying with me holding her, and a third night of just being awake for an hour. After that she slept through the night.)

And I finally slept after sending my husband into another room to sleep. My adrenals were shot and my midwife/naturopath encouraged me to do what I needed to do to get a full nights' rest.

But why is it so hard sometimes?  My daughter didn't wake up crying. She didn't cry for hours on end and I have so much compassion for those parents struggling with babies that cry for "no apparent reason."

I don't believe there is "no apparent reason" actually. I think babies want to tell us what it's like for them in this world, or what it was like being born, or what it was like even before that.  I think they want us to know how much they know about themselves, and want us to listen and empathize with it.

They tell us through movement, where they put their attention, what upsets them (being put down? Could that be a trigger for the time you weren't there for him?) and of course, through their emotions.

Time and time again it happens when I encourage parents to tune in to their baby and what they might be expressing, and begin naming it, parents report that their baby "stopped what they were doing and looked right at me and smiled." or "immidiately started getting fussy, like he was saying, 'Yeah, you understand, and can I tell you more?'"

It isn't random.

Babies cry for a reason, so if you are pacing the halls with a crying baby, instead of "shushing" her, try naming a few things that she might be trying to tell you - "Is it scary for you to be alone?" or "You seem so angry…are your remembering when you were taken away after you were born?"  Fill in the blank…tune in to yourself, and then to your baby, and you can learn to trust what she's telling you. Maybe you'll find that it was just the thing she needed to settle into sleep.

Sleep tight. 

Posted: Newsletter, about sleeping, crying

When Did My Baby First Hear Me? (click here to comment)0

Some friends of mine just had a new baby girl and I was compelled to write this issue about one way that newborns can sense their environment that you might not be fully aware of.

NOTE: Newborns can and do use many more senses than just the following, but I am limited by space in this article, so am focusing on one I believe is MOST interesting - hearing.

First we'll back up to before your baby is born,  for the capabilities of newborns don't just start at the time of birth.  My mom likes to tell about how I had the hiccups in utero every night at 1 a.m., and that after birth, I continued to have them at that same time! Indeed, babies behave similar to how they behaved both before and after their birth.

If you see your newborn sucking her fingers for instance, it's likely that she did that prior to birth as well.  Sometimes sleep times/patterns are mirrored to that of when you experienced sleep or activity from your unborn baby. So activities and rhythms of the day can influence patterns and behaviour of a newborn…

But did you know that babies can hear very clearly while in the womb?

It used to be thought that what babies heard was a muffled version of the outside sounds,  rather like what you hear if you're listening while submerged under water.

What has been discovered is that unborn babies can actually hear extremely clearly while in the womb.  You see, when we are submerged, the reason sound is muffled is because our inner ear is filled with air and the sound bounces around that.  

But an unborn baby's inner ear is filled with fluid, which acts as a conductor.  An experieriment included placing a microphone inside a womans womb that was designed to simulate the capabilities of an unborn baby's hearing. Researchers were shocked to find a newborn can hear even very specific sounds like footsteps walking out the door, the door closing and opening and clearly could distinguish voices.

In addition to the very loud sounds of mom's biology (heartbeat, stomach and bowel rumbles are the loudest) newborns can hear things as loud or louder and more distinctly than they will be able to once born.

So after birth, when your baby seems to recognize specific voices, and other daily sounds, it's because he does recognize them.  He has been listening in for a long time on all the sounds you've been making, learning and growing according to what the sounds are teaching him about life outside the womb.

There are many stories of women having to leave loud concerts or violent movies because their unborn baby was reacting so strongly to the sounds. And other stories of babies being soothed by specific music, songs and stories that were played, sung and read to them prior to birth.

But that's not all…

Not only are they hearing in the womb, but research indicates that they are actually learning language and speech in there too! Researchers have taken "cryprints" - as individual as fingerprints - of newborns, and found they are chock full of the rhythms, intonations and speech patterns similar to the mother's, and specific to the language spoken.  They have since found that before birth, babies are exercising the muscles they will be using to make such patterns in speech.

When the newborns from mothers who were deaf or mute were studied they found that the babies had a very strange cry, or didn't cry at all, indicating that not hearing mom's voice may have been like missing a speech lesson.

What did your baby hear before he was born?

What does your baby hear now?

Now, combine the knowledge that your baby can hear very well with the fact that they also understand what we say (see article: "Can my baby really understand what I say?"), and reflect about what was said or spoken about your baby during the pregnancy.

Did you talk to, or about your unborn and newborn infant?  Are warm, loving, accepting thoughts primarily what she hears about herself?  Did you, and do you assure your baby that he is wanted and loved,  and safe?

If so, you have a very lucky baby!!!

Now reflect on your own experience.  What might people have said in your presence when you were very young, or not even born yet? Are there any patterns you see in your life that match what you know about your very early messages?

If you'd like to explore this more, click on the title of this article. You'll be taken to a page where you can ask more questions, reflect and get feedback.

Let's talk!   

Posted: Newsletter, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication

Article: How come my baby doesn’t sleep anymore? (share your comments, click here)2

Did your baby sleep…well, like a baby, for the first few months, and then suddenly stop sleeping?

It can be so frustrating, when you've gotten used to a regular bedtime routine, been able to look forward to a few hours - if not all night - of a break, and suddenly your baby goes on a sleep strike.

You might be feeling at a loss as to what to do. Why don't the same methods work anymore? What's going on with your baby? You may wonder if something is wrong, if he's teething, if he's sick…is this going to last forever?

Most information will tell you it might be teething, or a normal phase or a growth spurt. These might indeed be accurate, but I am offering another idea to consider.

One thing that doesn't get much attention is what's going on now, in your life, that might be affecting the stress level of your baby? And of those things, are any of them possible triggers of past memories of emotionally upsetting experiences?

Those are big questions, with some big statements behind them.

Past experiences? What do you mean?

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Has there been any change in routine recently? (Mom going back to work, an illness in the family, more stress than usual…)

• What is the emotion behind the waking up? Is your baby happily playing, and just not tired? Is she crying? And if so, is she sounding angry, sad, or scared?

• What happened in the past - prenatally or during birth or early infancy - that might have been upsetting for your baby? If you aren't sure that your baby can remember any of that, let's just say she can, allow yourself to be open to the possibility. Was she separated from you at birth? Was there any obstetric intervention that may have been scary for her, like forceps, Cesarean section, or cord around her neck?

• Can you see any correlation between what is happening now - pain from teething, more family stress, separation from mom - and what might be upsetting from the past?

Another thing to think about is that babies are sensitive to cycles in life. They may have upsetting memories come up around their birthday, or the correlating month in utero that was stressful for them. For example, at five months in utero, if there was a stressful experience for you, your baby may need to process it at five months old.

Or, perhaps your baby gets fussy every night at the same time which might correlate to, say, the transition period during your labor that was stressful for your baby.

This happened to me and my daughter when she was a newborn. My daughter woke about two a.m. every night and got fussy - not really crying, but unable to sleep. When I remembered that's when I went into transition during her birth, I was able to help her feel safe enough to go into her feelings more deeply, and she cried for a long time, and then settled into a long sleep. Once I recognized it, she only needed to process those feelings twice before she never woke up at that time again (as an infant!).

So if you've determined there might be something more than teething going on, what do you do with that?

If you see any patterns or correlations, or if you are willing to play with these ideas, you are probably wondering what the heck to do about it, and trying desperately to deal with feeling bad that something upsetting even happened for your baby at all!

We all want the best for our babies. When we discover something that upset our child whether or not we had any control over it at the time, we automatically go into "parental protection mode" and berate ourselves if we failed to prevent upsets for our infant.

If that is what you are feeling now, STOP. Take a breath, and remind yourself that you did the best you could with what you had. AND comfort yourself that even though we can't always prevent our children from having upsetting experiences, they are all resolvable.

Here are some tips to begin:

• Talk to your baby about his birth, or any upsetting experience you think he had. Speak slowly, and don't expect your baby to respond any particular way at first. Just open the door to letting him know that YOU know he may have had some feelings about he still needs to share.

• Learn to be aware that your baby is affected by your stress levels, what you do, and can process information if it's told to her slowly.

• Talk to your baby. Tell her what's going on, make sure to help her know the difference between what happened in the past and what's happening now.

• Affirm her experience as true: "Yes, I know I wasn't there for you right after you were born. That must have been scary and hard for you."

• Reassure your baby that then was then, and now is now: "I am here for you now. Even if I go to work, I come back and you are not alone."

• Get some support for yourself if you are having your own feelings about what is going on for your baby. Your baby is very sensitive to your emotions and thoughts, and if you can separate what you are feeling from what your baby is feeling you'll be able to really be a strong presence for your baby to feel safe with.

Bringing more awareness to what your baby might have experienced in the past, or what he might be experiencing now, can help you to parent in a way that supports your baby to resolve emotional upsets early.

Posted: Newsletter, about sleeping

Article: Can My Baby Really Understand What I say? (Click here to reply)0

Have you heard that it's good for your baby if you
talk to her a lot?

Most parents have.  And most parents do.

But also, most parents don't really believe that
their baby hears more than a foreign language, or
that they understand anything that's being said.

Sometimes, that's true. Your baby may not understand
what you say because you are speaking in the complex
adult language, because you speak quickly, and don't
leave time in between what you say for baby to "get"
it.

But they can and often do understand language.

What? How? They are so small, their brains aren't yet
developed enough!

These are good questions.

Babies aren't developed enough to speak with words yet
- but if you use sign language, you can see even young
babies have motor skills allowing them to communicate
in English.  Its an indication that babies are able
to understand.

Even more profound, anecdotal reports from psychologists
and therapists who have used regression and hypnosis
with their clients have shown that as babies - even those
unborn -  they understand what is said around them, about
them and to them.

And they remember feeling frustrated that the adults
in their life didn't know they understood.

I was caring for a baby boy a few times a week
whose mother was under a lot of stress due to the
failing health of her mother.  The baby was getting
fussier and harder to soothe.  I suggested to Mom that
she tell him what's going on - that Grandma was dying
and that she was sad and had a lot of feelings that
weren't about him.  She did, and apologized to him for not
being as present as she wanted to be, and reassured him.

His mood improved during the week, and when I came over
the next few times he'd look deeply at me, and
I'd say, "Yep, it's your turn to cry now."
He would cry and cry and cry while I held him and
reassured him and empathized with him.
 

He knew something was going on around him, but until
his mother told him what it was, he was disoriented
and confused. I believe he also understood that
his mother wasn't emotionally able to support his own
feelings of stress unless I was there to support
them both. He waited for his big meltdowns for when
I was present and could hear him deeply.

Also, since babies rely solely on emotions and body
language to communicate, they are very fluent in
this way of communicating - meaning they can sense
what someone is feeling and showing, and if it matches
the words spoken or not.

It is very disorienting to a baby to have words that
don't match the real feelings or truth about what is
going on or being communicated. In the example above,
the baby's mother was trying to act as if it was all
okay when she was playing with her baby - but he knew
it wasn't. The discrepancy is what was most stressful
for him. It can be scary for a baby, or feel like
there's no solid ground, when such a discrepancy
exists.

So, if my baby understands me, now what?

Well, it opens up a big box of possibilities
doesn't it?

And a bit more effort on the part of the caring adults
to include the baby in conversations, in plans, and in
situations that concern them.

Believe me, it matters.  For example, sharing who
is coming over for dinner helps a baby feel oriented
to a change in the evening routine.

Asking your baby if they want to be held by Grandma,
and waiting for an indication of a yes or no, (and then
honouring what is communicated) is a powerful thing.

It can be very reassuring to a teething or sick baby
that they aren't going to be feeling awful forever.
Explain what sick is, what teeth are, and what is
happening.  Many times, the discomfort is fear and
lack of understanding about what is happening to them.

When you begin to notice that what you say and do
(and think and feel!) in the presence of your infant
matters, you can begin to resolve dilemmas, support
how your baby is feeling, and have more clarity
in your role as parent.

***Suggestions for communicating with your baby:

1. See the world from your baby's perspective. This
   takes practice, but can be very helpful. What would
   it be like to have dad playing on the floor with baby
   and suddenly jump up and disappear (to answer the phone?)

2. Watch closely what your baby is doing before moving
   him. Is your baby fascinated by a bird out the window?
   Notice it with him, and then tell him that you are going
   to move him away to (for example) change his diaper and
   pause before actually doing it.

3. Pay close attention to how you are feeling, and name
   it to your baby. "I am tired and cranky…you probably
   notice that. It isn't about you - I just had a hard day.
   Thanks for putting up with me!" 

4. Name what is going on for your baby. "Oh. I see you
   like playing with that toy." It is very orienting to a
   baby to have their actions and feelings named.

5. When you tell your baby something, speak slowly,
   repeat yourself and pause to wait for a response from
   your baby. Looking away, a grin, getting fussy are
   some of the ways your baby may indicate a response.
   Thank your baby for telling you, and respect her request.

   In some cases, waiting may not be appropriate, for
   example: The radio gets turned on, and turned up too
   loudly. Baby fusses or looks scared, and disoriented.
   "Oh, you look uncomfortable and scared. Is the radio
   too loud? Let me turn it down…there is that better?
   I'm glad you let me know it was bothering you!"

Good luck, and best wishes to you and your family!

Posted: Newsletter, infant communication

Is it possible to parent your child without guilt? (click here to reply)0

Recently a client told me she'd promised herself never to feel guilty
as a mom after her baby was born, but that, "As soon as he popped
out, up popped the guilt!"

Why do we feel so guilty?

We love our children, that's why. And we want what's best for them.
As we become more and more aware of helpful ways to raise them, the
pressure increases to "do it right." Or, in different words, to
"not do it wrong." In our culture we are subject to the myth,
"happy baby = good parent." And if baby isn't happy, then we feel guilty.

I was helping a family with their baby several years ago, and they
were having a hard time with his ability to ride in the car seat.
His mother felt tremendously guilty every time she had to strap him in.
He would cry and cry throughout the entire car ride, and because she
believed she was doing something wrong (he was clearly not happy, there
must be something wrong) she eventually began to plan her days around
his difficulty with the car seat.

She stayed home more, waited to do errands until the evening or had her
husband do them, sent her regrets for invitations out when her baby
was invited, or got a babysitter.

She wanted to "do it right" and to her, that was met when her baby
was happy. Unfortunately, she wasn't happy. She felt isolated, burdened
and resentful of her baby. She was in a double bind. She couldn't
take him anywhere when she felt guilty doing so, and felt trapped when
she organized her life around this issue. As she got more and more upset,
so did her baby. He started sleeping irregularly, becoming irritable,
and clingy. Mom didn't like doing errands when her husband had just
gotten home, as it began affecting her relationship to a small degree as well.

When we got to the bottom of the issue - her guilt - and worked with it,
she realized that as his mother, it was okay for her to require things
of him that he didn't like that were for his safety, and ultimately for
the benefit of the whole family. She learned how to empathize with his
upset about the car seat, but remain confident that he was going to be okay.

The entire dynamic shifted in their family relatively quickly.

Learning to parent your baby is an ongoing process. Each day, each
development phase is new, and you are also changing as your baby grows.
Your needs change, as your baby's needs change.

If you are feeling guilty about any choices you've made, it can influence
your parenting in ways you may be unaware of. In fact, if you feel guilty
about something you have done, you put your child in charge of your
relationship.

What? How is that true?

Well, if you are feeling guilt, you are probably lacking confidence
about your actions. There is a "should have" or a "should not have"
in your thinking somewhere, and you feel regret without acceptance.
When you feel that way, you look to your baby to help you know that
you are an okay parent. How is my baby doing? Could be on some level,
"Please be doing okay so I can feel confident." Your choices and decisions
become based on your infant giving you "permission" to parent the way you
do. Just like in the example above where the baby had become in charge of
the daily activities, when the errands got done, and when his parents were
going to spend time together and as a family.

Doing this puts your confidence as a parent in your baby's hands.
And believe me, they feel it, and learn early that it's important to
take care of you (by not crying, sleeping well, being happy) in order
for their needs to be met. And it can be frightening for such a small
being to not have a parent that knows what they are doing.

Of course, you want to parent to your baby's needs, and one way to
determine that is their happiness. However, when that precludes your
own intuition, or the health of you or your family, you then are unable
to find solid footing for your choices. When will you be able to relax
with confidence that you are able to parent your baby in a way that works
for you BOTH?

We forget sometimes, that our needs are important too, and that being
confident about our parenting style and choices is perhaps more important
to our children than the style itself, barring abusive actions.

There are many ways to raise your child….and healthy, happy children
result from most of them. And it helps exponentially to let go of guilt,
and be the parent of your child in loving confidence, rather than your
child needing to assure you she's okay.

How can you learn to notice when guilt is a driving factor in your
parenting and what can you do about it? See below for tips to eliminating
guilt from your parenting.

Tips for eliminating guilt from your parenting:

• Your job isn't to keep your baby happy at all times.
  Your job is to make decisions that will support them
  in their growth, even if those decisions are for your
  own self-care, or something they don't like. And then,
  your job is to empathize and listen and help them
  integrate any feelings that come up around the choices
  you have made.
• Learn to trust yourself. Remember that no matter what,
  your baby will be most likely fine. It's okay to make
  mistakes, and the trust can come for you by knowing
  that mistakes are okay for everyone. It's how we learn,
  and you've NEVER parented THIS baby before. Trust that
  whatever mistakes you think you made, are for you and
  your baby to learn from.
• Babies are resilient. Although they can be affected
  by small things, and are very sensitive to be sure,
  they are also very sensitive to YOUR confidence level,
  and need more than anything, for you to feel good about
  your ability to be their mother or father.
• Get support for yourself when you feel that you've made
  a mistake. Find someone who can empathize with your
  fears and regrets, but can also assure you that you
  are the parent, and your baby will be fine. Humility
  as a parent is a quality that can help with this.
  With humility, you can accept gracefully your regrets,
  without putting your baby in charge of any future
  choices you have.

You will be surprised at how easily shifts can occur when
you make a decision out of confidence, and with love for
yourself as well as your baby.

Posted: Newsletter, parenting issues