3
October
2006
Recently a client told me she'd promised herself never to feel guilty
as a mom after her baby was born, but that, "As soon as he popped
out, up popped the guilt!"
Why do we feel so guilty?
We love our children, that's why. And we want what's best for them.
As we become more and more aware of helpful ways to raise them, the
pressure increases to "do it right." Or, in different words, to
"not do it wrong." In our culture we are subject to the myth,
"happy baby = good parent." And if baby isn't happy, then we feel guilty.
I was helping a family with their baby several years ago, and they
were having a hard time with his ability to ride in the car seat.
His mother felt tremendously guilty every time she had to strap him in.
He would cry and cry throughout the entire car ride, and because she
believed she was doing something wrong (he was clearly not happy, there
must be something wrong) she eventually began to plan her days around
his difficulty with the car seat.
She stayed home more, waited to do errands until the evening or had her
husband do them, sent her regrets for invitations out when her baby
was invited, or got a babysitter.
She wanted to "do it right" and to her, that was met when her baby
was happy. Unfortunately, she wasn't happy. She felt isolated, burdened
and resentful of her baby. She was in a double bind. She couldn't
take him anywhere when she felt guilty doing so, and felt trapped when
she organized her life around this issue. As she got more and more upset,
so did her baby. He started sleeping irregularly, becoming irritable,
and clingy. Mom didn't like doing errands when her husband had just
gotten home, as it began affecting her relationship to a small degree as well.
When we got to the bottom of the issue - her guilt - and worked with it,
she realized that as his mother, it was okay for her to require things
of him that he didn't like that were for his safety, and ultimately for
the benefit of the whole family. She learned how to empathize with his
upset about the car seat, but remain confident that he was going to be okay.
The entire dynamic shifted in their family relatively quickly.
Learning to parent your baby is an ongoing process. Each day, each
development phase is new, and you are also changing as your baby grows.
Your needs change, as your baby's needs change.
If you are feeling guilty about any choices you've made, it can influence
your parenting in ways you may be unaware of. In fact, if you feel guilty
about something you have done, you put your child in charge of your
relationship.
What? How is that true?
Well, if you are feeling guilt, you are probably lacking confidence
about your actions. There is a "should have" or a "should not have"
in your thinking somewhere, and you feel regret without acceptance.
When you feel that way, you look to your baby to help you know that
you are an okay parent. How is my baby doing? Could be on some level,
"Please be doing okay so I can feel confident." Your choices and decisions
become based on your infant giving you "permission" to parent the way you
do. Just like in the example above where the baby had become in charge of
the daily activities, when the errands got done, and when his parents were
going to spend time together and as a family.
Doing this puts your confidence as a parent in your baby's hands.
And believe me, they feel it, and learn early that it's important to
take care of you (by not crying, sleeping well, being happy) in order
for their needs to be met. And it can be frightening for such a small
being to not have a parent that knows what they are doing.
Of course, you want to parent to your baby's needs, and one way to
determine that is their happiness. However, when that precludes your
own intuition, or the health of you or your family, you then are unable
to find solid footing for your choices. When will you be able to relax
with confidence that you are able to parent your baby in a way that works
for you BOTH?
We forget sometimes, that our needs are important too, and that being
confident about our parenting style and choices is perhaps more important
to our children than the style itself, barring abusive actions.
There are many ways to raise your child….and healthy, happy children
result from most of them. And it helps exponentially to let go of guilt,
and be the parent of your child in loving confidence, rather than your
child needing to assure you she's okay.
How can you learn to notice when guilt is a driving factor in your
parenting and what can you do about it? See below for tips to eliminating
guilt from your parenting.
Tips for eliminating guilt from your parenting:
- Your job isn't to keep your baby happy at all times.
Your job is to make decisions that will support them
in their growth, even if those decisions are for your
own self-care, or something they don't like. And then,
your job is to empathize and listen and help them
integrate any feelings that come up around the choices
you have made.
- Learn to trust yourself. Remember that no matter what,
your baby will be most likely fine. It's okay to make
mistakes, and the trust can come for you by knowing
that mistakes are okay for everyone. It's how we learn,
and you've NEVER parented THIS baby before. Trust that
whatever mistakes you think you made, are for you and
your baby to learn from.
- Babies are resilient. Although they can be affected
by small things, and are very sensitive to be sure,
they are also very sensitive to YOUR confidence level,
and need more than anything, for you to feel good about
your ability to be their mother or father.
- Get support for yourself when you feel that you've made
a mistake. Find someone who can empathize with your
fears and regrets, but can also assure you that you
are the parent, and your baby will be fine. Humility
as a parent is a quality that can help with this.
With humility, you can accept gracefully your regrets,
without putting your baby in charge of any future
choices you have.
You will be surprised at how easily shifts can occur when
you make a decision out of confidence, and with love for
yourself as well as your baby.
Posted: Newsletter, parenting issues
3
September
2006
Did you long to be a mom or dad? Did you wait and
wait for the time you could parent?
Or were you someone who loved your life, and was
ambivalent to give up that freedom to become a parent?
Either way, you could find yourself in a position
of resenting your baby as you give up more and
more of what you love to do, and more and more
of your time with your spouse and your friends,
to be the parent you want to be.
How do you learn to balance your needs with your
baby's needs?
A good question. And a big one.
I was someone who started dreaming of being a
mother when I was still in high school. Birth
control for me was spending as much time as I
could with other peoples' kids, to ease the longing.
I was also good with kids, and enjoyed it, so
when I did become a mother, I fell into it willingly
and naturally.
And it was all too easy to give up whatever life
I had outside of my role as a parent. I hardly even
noticed until my daughter was four years old, and I
split up with my husband. Suddenly, I was not able
to be the parent I had been for so long. I had to get
a job, find a preschool for Sidra, and I noticed I
didn't have much identity outside of being a mother.
To me, a good mom was always being there for my
daughter. Taking her with me wherever I went, rarely
needing a babysitter, and responding immediately to
her every need.
Now I was finding that putting everything I was into
motherhood set up two things: 1) a feeling of guilt
that if I wasn't able to continue, I was being a
"bad mom." And 2) it put Sidra in charge.
I began running my decisions about parenting from
that place of guilt, and to avoid feeling it, Sidra
- unbeknownst to me - was "in charge." Her every
need took precedence over anything I needed and it
cost us.
How could putting your child first be "wrong?"
It isn't wrong, but it can have consequences in the
long term that are difficult to see when your baby
is still young. It's true that as a parent of an
infant, we do need to prioritize differently than
if our child is older. But it's possible to take
it too far, and set up a long-term problem of the
child running the show.
It is possible to have such high standards, that
you give the message to your child that they are
more important than you are…setting up a culture
in your family that the parents' aren't important
or deserving of respect…that the children's needs
and wants always take priority.
So how do you recognize and shift a pattern like
this?
First of all, ask yourself, "Do I have enough time
with my partner or friends?" And, "Do I spend any
time nurturing myself, my spirituality, my hobbies?"
If the answer is no, you might be allowing your baby
to "take over" your identity.
Secondly, understand that by taking time for yourself
and your relationships, you model self-worth for your
child. Your baby will absorb the value that it's
important to treat herself well, as well as plant the
seeds for respecting you when she's older.
But where's the line? How do you know when to put
yourself first, and when to put your baby first?
To answer that, you need to first separate NEEDS
from WANTS for both you and your baby, and then
prioritize them. Roughly, it goes:
1) baby's needs
2) your needs
3) YOUR wants
4) Your baby's wants
Okay, I know this might be difficult to take in.
But it's true. Your wants can come before your
baby's wants…or at the very least, have as much
importance. Choosing what goes in each of the
above categories is not always black and white.
It will be individual for everyone, but there are
some guidelines to help you.
See "Things to Remember when prioritizing NEEDS
and WANTS" below.
Things to Remember when prioritizing NEEDS and WANTS:
- Ask yourself what kind of a parent will you be if you DON'T
take time for yourself. What do YOU need to be the parent
you want to be? Do you need to be nurturing your career?
Do you need to quit your job and be at home? Do you need an
hour each night for a long, relaxing bath? Do you need to
join a gym and have your baby in group care for a few hours
a day? It really depends on what is going to help you feel
more like yourself as you parent.
- Decide what you're doing daily that other's can help with.
Can someone else watch your baby and play with her at a
park or go for a walk while you do something for yourself?
This can be a difficult option if you don't feel you
can trust anyone else to take care of your baby the way
you can. Acknowledge that NO ONE can take
care of your baby the way you can and you need to take
time for yourself. It is okay to find someone
who can care for your baby and keep them safe and well while
you are away. Your baby probably will have a reaction to
being with someone new. This is an opportunity. By
allowing them to have an experience with another adult
who is different from you, you are helping them to build
inner strengths of coping, and understanding that there
are different people in the world.
- Understand that your adult relationships including the
basic parent relationship is of HUGE importance. If you
are a couple your relationship together is a major
source of strength and stability to you and your child.
It is vital that you spend time nurturing your adult relationships.
- If you don't feel okay about leaving your child, (provided
you have met their needs, and they are safe) your child will
sense that, and it may affect his ability to feel okay about it.
It's important, if you are feeling guilty for nurturing yourself,
in whatever form that takes, to look more deeply at what that might
be about for you. Bottom line, if you are okay about taking time
for you, you give yourself the space to empathize with your baby
without guilt, and teach him valuable lessons about who he is in
relationship to the world.
Allow the process of integrating who you were before the birth
of your baby with your new parental role. It may take a while,
but it's important to give yourself permission to sink deeply
into who you were before your baby came once in a while. Over
time, the balance will be more natural, and easier to find.
Posted: Newsletter, parenting issues
4
August
2006
You've heard the phrases, "We're just not on the same page" or "We're not cut from the same cloth" and "We're not on the same wavelength."
What are they talking about?
It's clear the meaning is "We think/act differently" but
when you look closer at the words, they are saying
something much more.
Think of it like music.
Take two different pieces of music - if you play
them at the same time it's bound to sound terrible.
They won't match up and there will be discord,
confusing tempos, and that uncomfortable vibration
in the air when sound waves are not coherent.
But within the same piece of music, different harmonies
contribute to a pleasant (we hope) sound.
"We're not on the same wavelength" is really just
that - two pieces of music -or two people -
that are not harmonizing.
How in the world does this relate to you and your baby?
Well, you and your baby each have your own rhythm, or
tempo, that you move through your life with. It's
actually a measurable electromagnetic (EM) field that is
strongest in a three-foot diameter from the heart.
The rhythmic waves emitted are individual, and patterned.
When you are holding your baby, your EM field and
your baby's field intersect and interact. You can
imagine radio waves that either blend or clash when
interacting.
When we are upset or under stress these EM waves show
up as an irregular pattern, incoherent and chaotic. When
we are calm, they are regular and coherent. It is nearly
impossible to create a harmonic blending of these fields
when both of the EM waves are chaotic and dissonant.
This is why it's important to calm yourself before
attempting to calm your baby. When baby is upset,
her tempo is irregular. She will need mom or dad, or
another caregiver with a steady rhythmic heart tempo
to help her pull out of her own incoherence, otherwise
everyone contributes to more energetic chaos. Like
two pieces of music that don't match up.
Each of our rhythms were developed primarily during
pregnancy. This is when babies first begin to learn to
regulate their own tempo. And it's where they first
interact with their mother's EM field.
What if I was really upset and stressed for the whole
pregnancy? Will that matter?
Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: If you think that your baby experienced
primarily incoherent and chaotic patterns while
growing prenatally (i.e., Mother was under chronic
stress for the duration) she may have adapted to that,
and it could be challenging to find a way to blend with you.
Prenatally, your baby learns your patterns and the
beginnings of how to regulate her emotions. They become
familiar - whether or not they are coherent. If there were
only, or mostly, chaotic patterns to imprint from, your
baby may not have a solid foundation to learn to regulate
her emotions.
The great news is that you can still shift that pattern,
starting now.
TIPS to "match up" with your baby and lift your baby out
of "dissonent" EM patterns:
– Find your own heart beat. Put your hand over your heart
and follow the beating for a few minutes. This can help you
slow down, and listen to yourself, and bring your heart waves
into a coherent pattern.
– Slow down. Your baby operates at a much slower pace
than you do. To match his pace, slow down - speak
more slowly, and move from one activity to another
more slowly and repeat yourself.
– Involve your baby in what is happening. Tell him what
you are going to do, then what you are doing, then
what you did.
– Name his actions. It is very orienting to a baby
to have his actions named by you. "Oh, you are reaching
for that toy!" "There you are, kicking your feet."
Posted: Newsletter, crying