18
May
2008
Yes, indeed.
Recently, research has shown that mothers who are exposed to high levels of stress during pregnancy have babies that are more likely to have asthma and/or allergies. It was on the news just now, and you can read about it here.
The prenatal and perinatal psychology field has known about this for some time. In treating adults with allergies and asthma, as well as children and infants, when prenatal issues (emotional stress of mom, passed to baby) are addressed, the allergies dissipate. Often completely.
So while delighted that mainstream news and research is supporting the importance of the prenatal time period, what they didn't say was that it's treatable.
If you have allergies, or if your child does, consider doing some work with a trained pre and perinatal counselor to address the issues that arose during pregnancy. You might find that your allergies are relieved.
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, parenting issues
18
May
2008
So I've been in Wentachee now for a year, but only really began marketing myself as a counselor and birth doula a few months ago.
I am feeling impatient being the new kid on the block…I know most of what I do will be successful due to word of mouth. And patience is necessary when making connections, going out into the community with what I have to offer, meeting new people and basically enjoying myself thoroughly with all the new folks I get to talk to and spend time with.
As far as I can tell, there are no other doulas in Wenatchee. There's one in Moses Lake, and one in Ellensburg…but for here, it's me. And I look forward to attending births again, really, I do…it's been a long time. But it's not my total intention. I really want a space to practice in, to help parents learn to connect and bond with their babies before birth, as well as after, and to remove the blocks that inhibit that bonding.
I think many people aren't aware that it's possible to look to their own history, their own beginnings prenatally and during birth to find patterns and beliefs that have shaped their lives. I don't think as a culture we are aware that babies are having their own individual experience of their prenatal live, of their birth, that can be separate from the Mother's experience. Or that unborn babies are recording everything that happens, some of which will shape how they feel about themselves, and their world and how they relate to others.
I feel so passionately about helping parents understand that what they do and say matters on so many levels…and that we can determine the level of stress a baby is in, and often remedy the cause. That crying, sleep difficulties, eating/nursing problems, are only some of the things that are thought of as Normal or "High Maintenance" or having a "spirited child"….when sometimes it might be adaptation to a stressful experience.
But I am not sure how to deliver this knowledge without scaring people away. I am not certain this community is interested in much beyond being "normal."
This is frustrating to me, but I live here, and here I stay - somewhat reluctantly - and so while I wait to be able to practice my passion, I continue to meet others, make friends here when I can, and having a heck of a time.
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, parenting issues, what's happening in my life
1
May
2008
This evening I'm scheduled to hold a mini-lecture at the Belly to Baby store, in downtown Wenatchee. I've invited health and wellness practitioners to attend, as well as expecting or current parents.
My intention is to introduce myself and what I do to this community. I hope to articulate the main and basic principles of prenatal and perinatal psychology, but not get too detailed in that…Keep It Simple, Sweetie.
And the places I get stuck when I talk to people are citing studies and accurately describing them off the top of my head. If I am challenged in what I speak of, will I fumble and appear unprofessional and incompetent or gracefully field the comments and questions of skeptics?
How many times can I refer to something I read, or was taught before I start looking like I don't have any first hand experience of my own? I do, but not always stories that are useful in illustrating a concept at hand.
ACK. I always feel like I need more training, and more experience…but if I keep getting more training I'll never get out there in the community to get the experience.
So, off I go this evening, and I hope people show up! Next week I start a class for individuals and couples expecting a baby…
If you are interested, please let me know!
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues, what's happening in my life
6
September
2007
I think, to be a good parent, one needs to be willing to endure the wrath of one's children.
There is an epidemic of parents that give in to their kids, do whatever they can to prevent upset and disappointment, discouragement or failure. I think it's based on a belief that self-esteem grows from happiness, from not having anything bad happen.
I disagree…I believe self-esteem is developed from overcoming adversity…from tackling challenges and having difficult situations and working through them.
My daughter woke with plenty of time to get to school, 3 blocks away. She pouted on her bed for half an hour, not wanting to go, asking over and over if she had to…I finally said, "Look, you are in charge of your time this morning. You need to eat something, and we should leave by 7:40. I am not going to work harder than you at this…I am willing to be supportive and empathetic…but not if your attitude is going be this defiant and stubborn. You can choose how you want this to go, and you can choose to be late this morning, but you WILL go."
At 7:45, she'd eaten and asked me if all her things were in her backpack. "I don't know..that's your responsibility. And you should figure it out soon because your school starts in 15 minutes."
Oh boy. And no, I won't drive you. You sat and pouted for 1/2 and hour…these are the consequences…then she had to run back half a block to get her gym shoes.
She was late.
She was REALLY mad at me for not driving her the three blocks.
She is so scared, and it manifests as defiant and stubborn. She's begun three schools, including this one, and the first YEAR of each one was miserable because she does this…if it's not what she likes or is used to, she hates it. She glowers. But really, she's terribly terribly afraid and just wants friends. She knows NO ONE at this school, and going here is a decision made just two weeks ago.
I can certainly give her some slack and understanding. This is tough…
But I am not going to cop to her attitude, or rescue her from her own actions that bring about consequences she doesn't like.
When she does get through this, makes friends, gets used to the routine…she's going to feel that much more confident, and happy with herself.
In the meantime, when she's not around, my mama heart is very achy and worried.
Sidra is no longer a baby, so the rules are a bit different…
but ask yourself how often you relax your boundaries and
give in to what you've already said in order to make your
baby or toddler happy?
Ask yourself, is this action really to make my child happy,
or me?
Posted: Newsletter, parenting issues
30
August
2007
I am surprising my daughter with a 'new' room.
She's been with her dad all week…well, actually, she's been with friends at the beach in Oregon, but I dropped her off at her dad's last weekend.
She's been camping out on the floor of what used to be my mom's office. It was painted pink/mauve and a deeper shade of mauve for the trim…and she was getting sick of it. Even the ceiling was painted pinkish mauve. She wanted cream walls witih a deep purple trim.
And she's got it. Also, the bed she hasn't slept in since she was on Pender (four months) is put together with new sheets and new throw pillows on it. She has a new (to her) dresser and a new desk. I still have to put the desk together, and assemble some shelving, but I'll leave the moving in for her to do except some welcoming stuffed animals and her goth dolls which I'll put out.
I so enjoy doing things for her. She is loving and gracious, appriciative and grateful for gifts done for, and given to her…it makes it very easy to love doing it. And she's not spoiled at all. There are plenty of things she doesn't get, those things that I don't think support her in her own beingness and growth, or things that cost more than I want to pay…but when I feel good about something she wants or needs, it is a gift to me to be able to do that for her.
Generocity ROCKS.
Posted: parenting issues
13
August
2007
They seem so disconnected…birth and eating. But they aren't.
Recently, I had a client that was having difficulty and was concerned with her baby daughter's eating and nursing habits. While some practical advice was warrented, my first questions were "did you have issues with food or eating when you were younger?" and "Did anything happen at Baby's birth around food?" and also, "What was going on with your own relationship to food while you were pregnanat?"
There were significant answers to all of these questions. First of all, Mom had had and eating disorder when she was younger and though was recovered, was quite anxious that her daughter NOT have issues with food. This level of energy put into eating and food clearly spoke to the baby as "beware, this is not just about easing hunger and accepting nourishment…this is something that is upsetting and worrisome."
Second of all, shortly after the birth Baby was taken to the nursury so mom could sleep. It seemed like a necessary separation for an over tired, under supported new mom, who has regretted it since. This regret about the separation was compounded by the fact that Baby was given formula against Mom's wishes. The guilt and anger Mom has felt about that has layered on top of the already existing negativity around food.
And lastly, the pregnancy itself was difficult in that Mom had a hard time keeping food down, and morning sickness lasted several months. she was, and still is, concerned that Baby wasn't getting enough nutrition, adding to even more anxiety around food.
So, knowing all that, it became clear that for this baby, eating and food were about much more than nutrition, and was not entirely comfortable at that.
During our session, I exposed the multilayered field of distress that Baby was experiencing and combined the practical aspects of introducing new foods, and timing of meals and nursing with some energy psychology techiques for both Mom's anxiety and Baby's experience and newly forming patterns.
Within a week, Mom reports that Baby is eating solids, and sleeping through the night. As well, she claims Baby is happy and relaxed, "Like a totally different baby!"
Although relationships between food and birth/prenatal issues are not obvious, they usually can be discovered with some insightful questions and educated interpretation. If you think about it, the first time any of us took in nourishment was after implantaion, and was our first physical interaction with our mother. Therefore, often, eating and food issues are directly related to issues with our mother, intimacy, connection, and survival.
Likewise, if we have other trauma from early in the pregnancy, it can manifest as issues with food. My own story is an example of that.
I lost a twin brother directly after implantation. I know this due to my own regressions, somatic memories and the way my life changed for the better in several ways after discovery and a healthy grieving process. During one of my sessions, I "felt" myself implant, and felt my twin fail to do so. I had the sense that there wasn't enough nutrition from our mother for both of us, and that I was "taking too much." In my sensing of it, I had "landed" high on the uterine wall and my brother fell past me, unable to implant.
Fact: The embryo that is higher on the uterine wall tends to get more nutrition. I found this fact out after I verbalized the memory.
It all made sense. My paradoxical and lifelong struggle with food was a double bind. I had always felt that I ate (took) too much, but also that there was never enough.
Just a few sessions a few years ago addressed this dynamic and my relationship to food changed. I no longer struggled with a voice in my head telling me to eat that or not eat this…how much to eat, or how little. I was able to relax and enjoy food without the guilt and shame that had accompanied it for so long. All my issues around food are not gone however, the habits of a lifetime didn't just dissapate…what changed was how I feel about it all. And that, now, is peaceful.
Please feel free to comment, or ask any questions you may have by clicking the title of this post and filling in the reply box.
Posted: Newsletter, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, about sleeping, parenting issues
2
August
2007
My collegues have written a new book!
Carrie Contey and Debby Takikawa, two dedicated and passionate women, have written "CALMS: A Guide to Soothing Your Baby."
I wholeheartedly reccommend this book as a reference, a resource and a comfort to you as a parent. The skills you will learn are invaluable. "Honest, short, sweet and scientific, it offers parents and professionals a new view of babies and a tool kit for creating family harmony and parent-infant connection."
You can purchase this book from the What Babies Want website, or from Amazon . Or simply by callling 1-800-893-5070.
Thank you Carrie and Debby!
You both are gifts to parents and infants everywhere.
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, crying, infant communication, parenting issues
10
July
2007
I'm at my mom's house, and have been since the end of April. Next door is a delightful family with three girls all within a year - the oldest, and then twins that were born ten months later.
Well, she and I were talking over the fence and somehow the conversation got around to birth. Her friend is having a baby soon and wanted to have a natural labor and birth. My neighbor offered this advice, "Don't worry about drugs, or C-section…they're there if you need them." She looked at me and said, "You probably would say something very different, right?"
I said, "Well, no actually. Medical technology is important and valuable, and she shouldn't worry about those things. Worry is one thing that can really contribute to a difficult labor. What I would say though, is to realize that what happens during birth matters to the baby. So if she were to need interventions of some sort, to talk to the baby and say why and include the baby in what is happening."
My neighbor asked what I meant by, "It matters to the baby."
Well, for instance, if a baby has a C-section, it might be okay for the mother but the baby may feel terrified. Like if labor hasn't started (and it's the baby that starts labor by secreting the hormone that gets it all going) then Baby ins't ready…suddenly, from a baby's point of view, mom may be scared, baby goes numb, there is bright lights, people with masks on, and hands lifting me out of my space…that's a LOT. And don't think for a moment that babies wouldn't know to be frightened by surgical masks…their brains are wired to look for and recognize human faces and if the first thing they see is NOT that, it can be disorienting. I also said that beliefs and imprints about how the world works can be affected by other kinds of birth too - like other interventions, long labor…
My neighbor was curious and began, with relief said, "well, all my girls came out so fast!"
I said, well, that can be hard too sometimes. Really fast labors can lead to transition issues…like "everytime something is going to change I need to do whatever I can to slow it down." Or, "Going from one place or situation to another is SCARY, I have to avoid it, or brace myself for it. If I get out of control something bad can happen." They may stall, procrastinate, get really emotional, come unglued, or be very controlling of what happens.
By this time, this young mother's jaw was hanging open and she was staring at one of her daughters. "You just described Malory" she said. I wasn't surprised. This happens a lot, where I describe belief patterns that fit with a certain type of birth…
We began talking about other things that can affect us even as far back as prenatal. Her mother had an anxiety disorder during her gestation, and that of her siblings. All of them have issues with anxiety. it isn't just genetic, I said. It's a learned response pattern.
And it can be changed. We know, and are learning more every day, about how to change neurological pathways in the body. Regular counseling and therapy doesn't do it…these imprints are in the BODY, in the cells…healing happens at that level, not by talking or expressing emotions (although these are useful and helpful things to do too). It is possible to access memory held in the body and release trauma patters.
And it is possible to do so for babies and children as well, so that these patterns and mistaken beliefs don't limit the life of an individual.
My neighbor headed inside to talk to her husband excitedly.
I love over the fence chats!
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues
21
May
2007
I don't ever get that question directly…
When I talk to clients, they don't come right out and ask "Am I a good mother?" The question is there, though. It's in the nervous way they sometimes interact with their baby - not an unusual thing when you are in the presence of someone "trained" or "an expert" in the field of parenting.
Let me just clarify - I don't consider myself "expert"…that's not to say I'm not good and knowledgable about what I do, but it is to say that to me, "expert" lends itself to thinking "I know what's right for you or your baby."
I don't.
(Note: if I suspect abuse, still, I don't tell people what to do, but I may suggest strongly, and I am obligated to tell Child Protective Services)
I have information that could be helpful if it resonates with you. I have training that could be useful in helping you and your baby find a deeper sense of connection, meaning, health and joy together. But I don't consider myself to be an expert about YOU as a mother (or father, or caregiver).
I have a client that recently chose to use the Ferber method to help her little boy sleep. To help HER sleep. She was exhausted, and due to circumstances of our scheduling, I wasn't able to help her find immidiate relief - she needed sleep NOW.
Many of the people I know, in my field and in my circle of friends, disagree with Ferber's method. They equate it with letting their baby "cry it out" and say it seems harsh and teaches the baby that no one is there for them.
I have to admit I believed this too. I never even looked at the book when my daughter was a baby and I don't suggest it to my clients. However, when my client told me she was beginning to "Ferberize" I decided to educate myself about it.
I know my client. I know she is a warm, loving mother, that has an easy way with her baby. She communicates well with him, is confident in my presence and it's clear he knows he is loved by her. However, the sleep issue. Both of them weren't sleeping. The help I could offer in between my being away and her vacation, and I think an illness in there as well was limited. So she made a decision, told me, and who am I to say it isn't the right thing to do? I don't know what is right for her and for her son!
So I read about Ferber and his method. It doesn't condone letting your baby cry alone for hours. It doesn't say you shouldn't care. It did seem like an approach that might be right for someone that needed to do something in order to get sleep so they could be the mother they wanted.
Not unlike when I stopped nursing my toddler at night, cold turkey. At 2 1/2 she was still waking several times a night to nurse. I was, until then, of the opinion that child-led nursing was right for me. It was, until I realized that years had gone by and between her night wakings and my husbands heavy snoring I hadn't slept more than 20 minutes at a time for YEARS.
I let her cry in my arms the first night I didn't nurse her. She cried for three hours straight. I supported her, empathized with her, she knew she wasn't alone, and she didn't get what she wanted. The next night she cried for 45 minutes. The next night she woke up, was awake for half an hour, but didn't cry at all, and after that she slept through the night.
From what I can tell from the Ferber method, a parent goes in and lets the baby know they aren't alone, regularly, at increasing intervals of time.
I probably wouldn't have done that, but I know many people that wouldn't have done what I did with my toddler. But it was right for me, and my confidence in that is what carried us through the tears.
I don't tell my clients what to do. I tell them how I can help. The Ferber method has helped my client, and I believe it will help us with the overall issues she and her son are grappling with…what's not helped by being rested?
I told her (even though she didn't ask outright) that she is a GREAT mother. Not because she did or didn't do a certain thing, but because she made a decision and followed through, trusting herself to make choices for her and her son in the face of a lot of controversy. I told her that there will likely be many times that she makes a decision that her son won't like. But regardless, if she is confident in it, that alone will be enough for her son to thrive.
So, are you a good mother?
I'd say, if you are doing your best and loving your child and getting help when you need it - YES. And if you aren't doing those things? You probably still are…but it's not me that decides.
Posted: Newsletter, about sleeping, crying, parenting issues
11
April
2007
Life has taken some unexpected, and rather painful, turns for our family in the past month.
On March 13, my almost 13-year old nephew died suddenly from a burst aneurism in his brain. My sister, my two nieces and my brother-in-law were surrounded by caring, love, friendship and support by so many people during that week.
As I leaned into my husband for the support I needed, and in turn supported my sister in her grief, I was caught in a challenging mix of emotions and thoughts.
In addition to my own grief at Cole's death, I was aware of how distant I felt from him and his family. I live far away from my sister and her family - both physically as well as emotionally - we are very different creatures and have very separate lifestyles. In the past there have been times when finding our love for each other has been hard amid the wildly different choices we've made for ourselves as adults.
But the love is there.
I was able to see how judgments of our differences fell away in the face of such an immense loss. I saw my sister as a mother who just lost her son. As a friend leaning into those she spends her days with: her circle of friends is more family-like and more immediate that anything I have myself, and nothing I could claim to be part of, and yet I was part of it, and looked to for comfort.
My own grief had its own color. The fragility of life. The impermanence and precariousness we live with every day, the light of a child gone.
My heart was - and still is - breaking for my sister. We are not wired to survive our children, and as her days continue, and she continues to get up each day, be there for her two girls and her husband, as well as herself, I see in her a strength that puts me in awe.
She told me that she feels support from people she doesn't even know. She feels hands at her back holding her up when she can't stand on her own, and knows there are prayers being sent to her and her family daily…hourly…every moment.
Life's rhythm continues. Even if we falter, stumble, fall down and skip some beats, eventually we find that rhythm again and we go on.
Coley had the rhythm of life in his bones. He was a talented drummer, even though he began drumming only six months ago. He walked to his own inner rhythm, as we all do, but chose to express that rhythm to the world in a way that got us all dancing and laughing with him. Even from a distance.
My sister and her husband chose to donate Cole's organs. Cole's lungs and kidneys were given to people waiting for a miracle in Washington state.. His heart was beating again in a 14-year old boy in California within a day.
It brings me comfort to know he lives on in other people…that his life has been a gift, not just to us that knew him but to others that didn't.
Cole's death has been the start of a series of events that have faced me with the reality of change and impermanence and the value of connection.
My marriage was somewhat unstable until the day before Cole's death, when we had a breakthrough in our understanding of each other. And Cole's death gave my husband, daughter and I the chance to pull together as a family in a crisis for the first time. As a stepfamily, this is really a huge thing for us.
Since then we continue to struggle, but we are struggling forward, and solidly - all three of us. I look at Sidra and the me that is Mama Bear wants everything to be alright, all the time. I cherish her even more in the shadow of the death of her cousin. I long to provide stability in an unstable world, and to reassure her when I am not assured myself.
And then another event: Last week my mother - in Saipan leading a training for work - broke her femur. There are further complications about her health, requiring me to travel to Saipan next week to accompany her on the 18-hour flight home.
My sister and I have been in closer contact in the last month than we have been in the last year, coming to the conclusion in our talks that we have to begin thinking about our mother's future and her care for when she cannot care for herself, and in that finding our bond that has wanted strengthening.
This is not going to be an easy series of discussions for any of us. But my sister in whatever way she can, and myself and our mother will hold each other up while we find this new rhythm together.
And on top of Cole's death, and daily family dynamics, it's a lot to handle at once.
But it's like parenting…it has to be done no matter how terrible we feel. No matter how overwhelmed, or how much we want to stay in a wishful place of wanting it all to be easier.
It's why not only does "it take a village to raise a child," but it also takes a village to live a life. We can't always do everything. We need support, an extra set of hands, a shoulder to cry on. Another brain to think with.
And we can't protect our children from life or death…and in fact it would be a disservice to them to do so.
We learn our limits and our strengths in the face of adversity. And we learn to ask for help when we need it. And we can't rob our children of those things. We can't rob ourselves of those things. And I stand bracing myself, or curl up, or walk forward singing, I am aware that I am learning about me, in a whole new way. I am learning about those I love. Those I judge, and those I fear.
I find my rhythm, honor it, and follow it. And the beat goes on.
Posted: Newsletter, Uncategorized, parenting issues