11
April
2007
Life has taken some unexpected, and rather painful, turns for our family in the past month.
On March 13, my almost 13-year old nephew died suddenly from a burst aneurism in his brain. My sister, my two nieces and my brother-in-law were surrounded by caring, love, friendship and support by so many people during that week.
As I leaned into my husband for the support I needed, and in turn supported my sister in her grief, I was caught in a challenging mix of emotions and thoughts.
In addition to my own grief at Cole's death, I was aware of how distant I felt from him and his family. I live far away from my sister and her family - both physically as well as emotionally - we are very different creatures and have very separate lifestyles. In the past there have been times when finding our love for each other has been hard amid the wildly different choices we've made for ourselves as adults.
But the love is there.
I was able to see how judgments of our differences fell away in the face of such an immense loss. I saw my sister as a mother who just lost her son. As a friend leaning into those she spends her days with: her circle of friends is more family-like and more immediate that anything I have myself, and nothing I could claim to be part of, and yet I was part of it, and looked to for comfort.
My own grief had its own color. The fragility of life. The impermanence and precariousness we live with every day, the light of a child gone.
My heart was - and still is - breaking for my sister. We are not wired to survive our children, and as her days continue, and she continues to get up each day, be there for her two girls and her husband, as well as herself, I see in her a strength that puts me in awe.
She told me that she feels support from people she doesn't even know. She feels hands at her back holding her up when she can't stand on her own, and knows there are prayers being sent to her and her family daily…hourly…every moment.
Life's rhythm continues. Even if we falter, stumble, fall down and skip some beats, eventually we find that rhythm again and we go on.
Coley had the rhythm of life in his bones. He was a talented drummer, even though he began drumming only six months ago. He walked to his own inner rhythm, as we all do, but chose to express that rhythm to the world in a way that got us all dancing and laughing with him. Even from a distance.
My sister and her husband chose to donate Cole's organs. Cole's lungs and kidneys were given to people waiting for a miracle in Washington state.. His heart was beating again in a 14-year old boy in California within a day.
It brings me comfort to know he lives on in other people…that his life has been a gift, not just to us that knew him but to others that didn't.
Cole's death has been the start of a series of events that have faced me with the reality of change and impermanence and the value of connection.
My marriage was somewhat unstable until the day before Cole's death, when we had a breakthrough in our understanding of each other. And Cole's death gave my husband, daughter and I the chance to pull together as a family in a crisis for the first time. As a stepfamily, this is really a huge thing for us.
Since then we continue to struggle, but we are struggling forward, and solidly - all three of us. I look at Sidra and the me that is Mama Bear wants everything to be alright, all the time. I cherish her even more in the shadow of the death of her cousin. I long to provide stability in an unstable world, and to reassure her when I am not assured myself.
And then another event: Last week my mother - in Saipan leading a training for work - broke her femur. There are further complications about her health, requiring me to travel to Saipan next week to accompany her on the 18-hour flight home.
My sister and I have been in closer contact in the last month than we have been in the last year, coming to the conclusion in our talks that we have to begin thinking about our mother's future and her care for when she cannot care for herself, and in that finding our bond that has wanted strengthening.
This is not going to be an easy series of discussions for any of us. But my sister in whatever way she can, and myself and our mother will hold each other up while we find this new rhythm together.
And on top of Cole's death, and daily family dynamics, it's a lot to handle at once.
But it's like parenting…it has to be done no matter how terrible we feel. No matter how overwhelmed, or how much we want to stay in a wishful place of wanting it all to be easier.
It's why not only does "it take a village to raise a child," but it also takes a village to live a life. We can't always do everything. We need support, an extra set of hands, a shoulder to cry on. Another brain to think with.
And we can't protect our children from life or death…and in fact it would be a disservice to them to do so.
We learn our limits and our strengths in the face of adversity. And we learn to ask for help when we need it. And we can't rob our children of those things. We can't rob ourselves of those things. And I stand bracing myself, or curl up, or walk forward singing, I am aware that I am learning about me, in a whole new way. I am learning about those I love. Those I judge, and those I fear.
I find my rhythm, honor it, and follow it. And the beat goes on.
Posted: Newsletter, Uncategorized, parenting issues
29
March
2007
In a recent post by Dr.Karen Shue on her blog, Neurofeedback on the Brain, she describes her thoughts and insights about happiness. At one point she says,
"The biggest one thing that makes a difference to happiness levels (other than optimism, but that's a story for another day) is relationships. Nurturing our social relationships may be one of the most powerful things we can do to increase our happiness…And even having positive relationships is not about finding the 'right people,' it's about being the 'right person'"
I completely agree. Karenhttp://www.justmommies.com/advertise2.shtml
talks about other factors as well. Read the article, it's well worth it and you won't lose your place here (this window will stay open for you.)
I will take it further, to say that how we perceive our relationships and events in our lives is significantly influenced by our earliest experiences. How we were treated and thought of, whether or not we were wanted (yes, even prenatally!) and the experiences of our birth influences how our brain sees the world. It is at these early times in our life that beliefs form about ourselves, our world and how we relate to it. It affects our biology, as Dr.Bruce Lipton has described in his work as a cellular biologist.
Lipton shows how our perceptions and beliefs create our enviornment and cellular structure in his book The Biology of Belief, an insightful book that is laced with humour in an easy-to-read style.
What many people don't realize, is that often, the origin of our beliefs about ourselves can be traced back to the time between conception and birth. What's also true is that as parents, you can help prevent your baby from forming mistaken beliefs about him/herself, as well as correct those beliefs that are already in place, so your baby doesn't have to grow up with a negative filter in place, affecting how he/she perceives himself and relationships.
It is most satisfying work to be able to facilitate the healing of early traumas, and change the way we see the world, and our relationships for the better.
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, parenting issues
22
March
2007
Several clients have shared with me the frustration of feeling their identity slip away from them as they move into the role of mother.
I wrote an article on that a few months ago on that very subject (find it here). In this article, I discuss how to prioritize your needs and wants to help find balance in your life and integrate your new role as a parent.
Recently, I was reminded that it wasn't only the role itself, but how the emotions that were triggered by her baby were so new and unfamiliar that my client said, "these feelings are all so new! I just don't recognize myself with how I am acting!"
Have you ever reacted to your baby in ways that are completely foreign to you?
I can tell you although I spent many years - decades even - caring for the children of others all day long, that once I had my own baby, caring for her was surprising in its intensity.
I found myself with a range of emotions during the day that went deeper, came out quicker, and were more difficult to manage than anything I had ever experienced before.
My frustration when she wouldn't sleep caused me to get angry in a way that that I had never experienced in myself. I had always been so easy-going and calm, but when she, as a toddler, wouldn't nap I found myself so angry that I wanted to hit her!
And I never felt I was a very controlling person, but if Sidra didn't do what I wanted her to do - NEEDED her to do for my own sanity - I sometimes would just fall apart.
Does any of this sound familiar?
My experience, both with myself and with clients has taught me that this is not unusual.
If you've ever heard someone say, "Your child will push every button you have" you might have thought it an exaggeration…I know I did, after all, I took care of a zillion babies and children, my buttons had been pushed if they were going to get pushed at all!
Right?
Wrong!
Why do our own children bring out in us the characteristics that we don't want to see - indeed, the things we don't even know are THERE?
There is a connection we have with those that are most special to us, and that depth of intimacy has as its core the ability to illuminate all that is needing healing. A phrase I really like is:
Love Brings Up Everything Unlike Itself.
You may have experienced this with a life partner. But who knew that a tiny little person like your baby could evoke the kind of reactions and feelings you are finding yourself having?
Our babies are our teachers in many ways. (I know, I've got clichés coming out my ears in this article!) But it's true.
Think about what bugs you the most about your baby, or her behaviour? What is it that is wanting to get looked at inside you? Is it a control issue? Is it a deep fear of being good enough? Are you neglecting to process and heal uncomfortable feelings about being a mother or father?
Many times it's important to stop focusing on how to change our babies so that we can be happier, but take a good look at what's happening inside ourselves that is being reflected by them, or drawn out by them.
What unconscious dynamic is your baby reacting to when he has difficult behaviours? When he won't sleep, or when he resists your comfort?
Yes, often a baby is trying to tell you of his own experience and looking for empathy…but if this is resonating for you, maybe look honestly inside yourself for the places that are resistant to being a mother. Or seek to resolve the unresolved issues from your past that might be in the field of awareness within your family.
If you are finding yourself at odds with your baby, and triggered emotionally more than you ever thought you could be, be reassured you are not alone, or even unusual.
And then find the support you need to look inside yourself to identify and heal.
When I finally got support for the frustration I felt when my toddler wouldn't nap, I found a new level of awareness of what being a toddler was like for me, growing up in my family, and was able to move through some issues that I would never have found if not for my daughter.
And although she didn't settle down for a nap after that, (instead she stopped taking them), more importantly, I stopped trying to control her which was making us both miserable.
When we take responsibility for our own emotions and reactions, we have a whole new world open to us as a way of knowing ourselves and our babies more deeply. And with any luck, we can become more of who we are, which is really what our babies ask of us anyway.
Posted: Newsletter, crying, parenting issues
5
March
2007
This is such a common thing…so many babies don't like bathtime, some forever and some for a few months.
And it can be so hard for parents to know what to do, right? You know bathing has to happen, even if it's just a sponge bath, but sometimes, for some babies, water on their skin is so very upsetting!
How can you get through an essential activity when you know it's going to upset your baby? And why is it so upsetting for them?
Before I get to those answers, let me ask you this…
Have you ever had an experience that was really upsetting or traumatic, and that caused you to not want to do anything that reminded you of it ever again? We all have stuff like that….I am freak out about bees…anything that stings (although now, as an adult, I am okay with honeybees and bumblebees)…and I've been stung a total of 34 times in my life all before the age of 12…twice with multiple sting experiences involving hives. Even when I stayed very still…and didn't flap my arms…I have been stung.
I have a hard time with bees. When one buzzes around me I flap and squeal and look completely undignified and neurotic. And as pacifistic as I am, and cherishing of all life, when I see a yellow jacket I holler, "KILL, KILL!" and with a blessing that it be reincarnated as a butterfly, I squash it.
I am completely okay with this. I still love summer, and I still eat on the table on the deck on warm evenings…
But what if my fear was about something much bigger that affected my daily routine?
Babies have memories too. Sometimes bathing can trigger painful, scary or upsetting ones specifically from birth. Let's think about it…what does birth have in common with bathtime?
Hmmm…well, wet and chilly - even if the room is warm, wet skin is cold for a while, and compared with in the water or in the womb…brrrrr!
Hands, reaching to put you somewhere, or lift you out….for a C-section baby, this might be reminiscent of being lifted out of the womb…and for other babies maybe being carried away from Mom….
And drying off…wow, yeah, lets' not forget that first soft cotton blanket used to dry off Baby…for him it felt like sandpaper compared to the softness of internal body parts surrounded by water!
And if your baby has upsetting and unresolved feelings from his birth experience, it is completely possible that he has linked the entire process of bathtime with the time he was born…and he's trying to tell you about it.
Okay, that's the possible "why"….now what can you do?
First, empathize empathize empathize! Try and sense what it's like, and really listen to your baby. Reassure her that even though it was similar, it isn't birth and she's safe. Accept her anger and fear, hold it gently and don't shush her, but instead remind her she's not alone and thank her for telling you.
If you find yourself feeling triggered and emotional by your baby's upset, the above messages can be difficult to think of in the moment. It can be overwhelming to discover your baby has such strong feelings, and you might feel the need for support yourself.
Consider working with me individually to help you and your baby find flow and resonance about this or any other issue.
Posted: Newsletter, crying, infant communication, parenting issues
4
February
2007
I've talked about a lot of possible reasons why babies can be upset, or act in ways that seem unhealthy. Your stress, your baby's birth memories that may be upsetting, moving too fast, and jumping from one activity to another…are all reasons why a baby might need to tell you, or show you, what's going on for him.But what happens when none of those reasons fit?
What if, no matter how hard you reflect on your baby's birth, prenatal experience and infancy to date, you can't find anything that resonates as a reason for his upset?If you had a beautiful birth, peaceful and connected pregnancy, and no problems during or after the birth - what could be wrong?Of course, ruling out any physical or medical reasons - digestion, food allergies, illness - what's left?
Well, could your baby be telling you something about YOU?
Let me tell you a story.
When I was in school one of my instructors showed excerpts of a video session with of one of his young clients and her mother. I'll relay the key points for you and then explain why this is important.
A toddler could barely walk, and she kept her legs stiff and spread apart so that it was even hard for her to stand. Her parents couldn't figure out what was going on with their baby - having been to see medical specialists and found nothing physically wrong to explain her posture.
This had been going on for several months. She was over a year old.
In the session, my instructor could not find any reason in this toddler's own history to explain her odd stance. So he asked the mother what was happening for her around that same age. As it turned out, the mother had been in a body cast from the age of six months, to well over a year.
It was so many years ago, and who would ever consider it important in this case? But at the next session, this mother brought in her photos of her as a toddler and astoundingly, the cast she was in kept her legs in exactly the same position as her daughter's legs were now, voluntarily.
My instructor then had the mother "re-experience" that time in her life using a method I call "regression." She went back in her mind to that age when she was in a cast and remembered what it felt like, and was able to identify that part of her that was stuck there. As she felt the blocked energy and released it, during the session the little girl, who was in the room while the mother was in her regression, stood up normally for the first time, her legs in the usual, healthy position.
What is important here is that energetically, emotionally, and physically, we can carry our trauma in our bodies. We hold our upsets and blocked energy in our cells, and then - since our cells are what create our babies - we pass those cellular memories along to our children unwittingly.
If there is "no reason" for your baby's upset or emotions that you can see, try looking to your own past. Look deeply, journal, or talk to someone who can "hold your hand" while you explore. The above story is a extreme one, and perhaps yours is not. But maybe you'll find something out about yourself, and in so doing, you can own it as yours, resolve it, thus releasing your child from something that doesn't belong to him.
Click the title above to respond with questions or comments!
Posted: Newsletter, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, infant communication, parenting issues
26
January
2007
Here's a great post on the blog Mia's Saving Grace about the frustration of closed adoption records. And how it affects adoptees trying to search for their roots.
So, if we open the records, and also consider that the infant that has been relinquished is aware and taking in the experiences involved in the adoption process…can we perhaps move the process forward by making it more respectful of that infant? More conscious? More compassionate and supportive to not only the birth mother, the future adult adoptee and the adoptive parents, but to the BABY?
I think so.
Check out my ebook, "Strengthening Connections " to find out ways you can help your adopted infant adjust to life in your family.
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, adoption, amazing newborns, parenting issues
21
January
2007
"When are you due?" That is probably the most commonly asked question to any woman who is obviously pregnant. And the answer is usually a date, one day - my daughter was due on December 20th. But she wasn't born until the 28th. Did that make her "late?"
Only 4% of babies are born on their due date. Most are born within what I call the "due zone" - two weeks before, and two weeks after the "date." It leaves a bit more room to allow a baby to find her time to be born before sending messages about "hurry up" or "you're late."
Do these messages really matter?
Let me tell you my story.
My mom's version: I was due on her birthday, and began showing signs of being born the week before. Two weekends in a row the obstetrician canceled his ski weekend because he thought my mom would go into labor and he didn't want to be away when she did. However, I scooted back up in the womb and stayed put. I had songs about coming out sung to me, and threats of being named Llewellyn if I didn't come out soon. Another week went by, it was now two days past my due "date" and the doctor didn't want to cancel another weekend so he decided to have me induced.
Labor hadn't started and he admisisterd pitocin to my mother, gave her an epidural, and contractions began with frequency and intensity right away. I was born two hours later. I was given to my mother right away, because I wasn't crying and she needed to see I was alright.
My version (learned though several regressions and various forms of energy work): I wasn't quite ready to come out yet. I was trying to figure out when, and I did push myself back up in the womb - leaving my tiny arm over my head blocking the birth canal. I was feeling peaceful and secure when, without warning, I was hit with a drug that made my heart race followed by contractions so strong and so close together that I couldn't get enough oxygen in between them. I was terrified, and it felt like I was dying. I felt forced out of a tranquil state into a car crash of labor. And my arm that had been above my head was now trapped between my head and my mom's pelvic bone. It fractured during the turn through the pelvis, and soon after that I was out. I was in shock, and grieving.
I was met with smiles and tears of joy. Although I wasn't very "late" and I didn't really get that message, the message I did get was "My timing isn't important." Which, accompanied by my pain and fear not being seen and empathized with translated to "I am not important," "The needs of others' are more important than mine."
When I think of babies who are told to "hurry up" and who are induced, or given a C-section due to their "lateness" (if it's within the two weeks after the "date" and otherwise not medically necessary) I wonder, how are parents going to know what their baby is feeling and thinking about? How will they know to respond to what the baby experienced in an empathetic way?
For me, those decisions I made became beliefs about myself and many of my decisions about who I was and how I lived and played were guided by those beliefs. For instance, as a playmate I was quick to share and hand over what I was playing with. To everyone else it looked like I was very kind and mature for my age, but really, it was motiviated by a belief that I didn't get to have what I wanted or needed, and that whoever was asking for the toy I was using deserved it more than I did. Really, it was the beginning of my lifelong "disease to please" which took years of personal work to heal from.
I had to learn to say "No" to others, learn to find my own timing (by the way, I was a stickler for promptness - if I was late I would get really anxious), and learn to value myself.
So, message we give our soon to be, and newborn babies are very important. How we feel, what we say, the motives behind our actions and thoughts are all absorbed and understood and translated by each individual baby in ways we don't always know.
And this isn't just my experirence - clients and collegues I've worked with all have "core beliefs" that guide their path through life, and often these are mistaken beliefs originating sometime around birth and reinforced during infancy.
My daughter didn't come on her due date - she was born eight days later, and I told her, "I can hardly wait to meet you. You find the right time for you to be born, and we'll be ready."
What are some messages your baby got - positive and negative - when he was new? Do you see any patterns of behaviour or preferences that match up with possible mistaken beliefs he might have?
Do you notice patterns of behaviour or beliefs of your own and are are beginning to wonder if they originated at or before your birth? Please share your story and wonderings!
Posted: Newsletter, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues
8
January
2007
Hi…
I'm curious. Fathers are so important and fathering is different than mothering…it's not a dad trying to mother, it really is a whole different thing.
Maybe there is more physical play…maybe there are firmer boundaries…maybe looser ones…
So, how do you see fathering different from mothering? How is it in your family?
Do you mom's ever find how your male partners are with your kids challenging? Do you find yourself nagging him to do things your way for the well-being of the baby/child(ren)?
What's great about what he does?
I look forward to hearing your comments!
Posted: parenting issues
3
January
2007
(click the above title to leave/read comments)
I normally don't make resolutions in the new year…in fact, I made one years ago, never to make any new years' resolutions again. And now I will be breaking that one, because of the Birth Ecology Projects ' invitation to enter a contest.
So, I decided that it's a good time to make public my resoltions for this year. It's a good time, since I am in the process of developing my goals for my site and business, and clarifying what it is that I do.
My New Years' Resolution is to find that part of myself that prefers to hide, and gently encourage her to emerge into the world, safely and lovingly. This would support me to be able to help babies keep their connection with Spirit intact, and help parents find ways of supporting themselves and their babies consciously in this journey of life.
It may mean teaching about memory, and what we know about prenatal and newborn ability to remember and make decisions and develop beliefs. It may mean working one on one with families and babies to assist in the healing of a traumatic birth memory. It may mean working with adults who want to explore and heal their own births, letting go of limiting beliefs made very early.
And often it's finding joy in the joy of a new parents, enthusiastically listening to all that's good, and how amazing their baby is.
Posted: Newsletter, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues
1
January
2007
It's been a while since I've posted! Oh my the holidays do take away my attention.
They were good though, I had a wonderful time with my family, I hope you did too.
However, a few folks that I connected with over the holidays asked me, "So what is it that you do?" And I realize I haven't been all that clear here on my site. Maybe there'll be some changes in the content on a few of the pages soon.
My understanding is that babies are not born as blank slates. They come in - and when I say that, I mean they "come in" to a body, from Spirit - aware, and conscious…their brain is not developed enough to support them cognitively, but they are able to remember and imprint experiences into their psyche, their physical body and develop their belief systems.
Many of the psychological, neurological and biological fields are learning how early we are affected by our expeirences. We are all affected by how we "came in" to this world, the beliefs we established, patterns we imprinted into how we make decsions, how we relate to each other, what we believe about the world. Initial upsets, unresloved, are repeated and shape how we interpret our interactions.
Therapists are learning everywhere that going back to very early experiences leads to a greater level of awareness, deeper and lasting change and healing. What the prenatal and perinatal psychology field is learning is that those very early experiences can begin as early as conception. We are also learning how to apply these concepts and methods to infants, so that their sense of self can remain intact, and negative, mistaken beliefs corrected before they become lifelong imprints.
One way to put what I do is, "I help parents to learn from their babies about who their baby is, and support those babies in keeping their spiritual connection intact." Or maybe "spiritual midwife" is another way of putting it.
On a more basic level, I help advocate for what babies want us to know about who they are and what they've experienced, and what matters to them. Sometimes that's teaching/coaching parenting skills. Sometimes that's helping babies resolve birth issues. Sometimes it's helping parents resolve birth issues (their own birth, or their babies' delivery…)
My passion and joy is to watch people of all ages come into deeper connection with themselves, whatever that looks like. I love to see parents glow when they understand their baby's needs. I love to feel the palpable connection between a parent and new baby when everyone feels "met" on several levels.
I teach. I learn. I facilitate. And through all that, I experience great joy when I see how I've helped families become more of who they are in connection together.
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues