1
January
2007
It's been a while since I've posted! Oh my the holidays do take away my attention.
They were good though, I had a wonderful time with my family, I hope you did too.
However, a few folks that I connected with over the holidays asked me, "So what is it that you do?" And I realize I haven't been all that clear here on my site. Maybe there'll be some changes in the content on a few of the pages soon.
My understanding is that babies are not born as blank slates. They come in - and when I say that, I mean they "come in" to a body, from Spirit - aware, and conscious…their brain is not developed enough to support them cognitively, but they are able to remember and imprint experiences into their psyche, their physical body and develop their belief systems.
Many of the psychological, neurological and biological fields are learning how early we are affected by our expeirences. We are all affected by how we "came in" to this world, the beliefs we established, patterns we imprinted into how we make decsions, how we relate to each other, what we believe about the world. Initial upsets, unresloved, are repeated and shape how we interpret our interactions.
Therapists are learning everywhere that going back to very early experiences leads to a greater level of awareness, deeper and lasting change and healing. What the prenatal and perinatal psychology field is learning is that those very early experiences can begin as early as conception. We are also learning how to apply these concepts and methods to infants, so that their sense of self can remain intact, and negative, mistaken beliefs corrected before they become lifelong imprints.
One way to put what I do is, "I help parents to learn from their babies about who their baby is, and support those babies in keeping their spiritual connection intact." Or maybe "spiritual midwife" is another way of putting it.
On a more basic level, I help advocate for what babies want us to know about who they are and what they've experienced, and what matters to them. Sometimes that's teaching/coaching parenting skills. Sometimes that's helping babies resolve birth issues. Sometimes it's helping parents resolve birth issues (their own birth, or their babies' delivery…)
My passion and joy is to watch people of all ages come into deeper connection with themselves, whatever that looks like. I love to see parents glow when they understand their baby's needs. I love to feel the palpable connection between a parent and new baby when everyone feels "met" on several levels.
I teach. I learn. I facilitate. And through all that, I experience great joy when I see how I've helped families become more of who they are in connection together.
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues
19
December
2006
Hey, thanks for the great idea Mona !
What are 5 things most people don't know about you? What secrets have you held onto, and what darker aspects of your self are you hiding?
Well, lets embrace them. We all have a darker side, a place where we carry regrets, where we've come up against challenges and did the best we knew how to do at the time. Growth oppurtunities, illuminating our humanness…it's all good. We're all good.
So my five things - and for my blog I am focusing on parenting - you may not know about me are:
1. I hit Sidra across the face once, in the bathroom of a Starbucks when she was two or three. I was already under pressure, and she was behaving in a way that was pushing all my buttons. When I removed her to the privacy of the restroom to give her a talking to she said something rude and slapped me hard. I reacted so fast with a return slap that I didn't have time to stop myself. We both calmed down, cried, and apologized to each other.
2. When Sidra was beginning to stop taking naps (and I still needed her to have them) I would try and put her down but she would giggle and wiggle and a few times I shook my fist in her face in anger - to which she laughed at (discharging fears I think) which only made me more angry. I "thumped" her back then, with several layers of blankets covering her. I scared myself so badly, I immidiately sought support from a friend for myself!
3. When Sidra was a baby, I sometimes took out my stress on my (then) dog, Jody by yelling at him and hitting him.
4. When Sidra was 5 months old, I wanted her to go to sleep so badly I shoved her head forcefully onto my chest to rock her and I made her cry. It was the first time I had ever made her cry by being "mean."
5. I have called Sidra a brat to her face before.
I think, more than any other job, parenting brings out the parts of us that most need love. So, please, share here, and recieve some acceptance and lovin'!
(Just click on the title of this entry to read comments and leave your own!)
Posted: parenting issues
18
December
2006
I just read a wonderful interview with Karen Maezan Miller , author of Momma Zen:Walking the crooked path of Motherhood.
I liked the interview, but haven't read the book….
if you have, what did YOU think of it?
Posted: Favourite books, parenting issues
13
December
2006
Just some further notes on other books you may enjoy.
Welcoming Consciousness by Wendy Anne McCarty is available as an ebook, and one of the most comprehensive books on infant development today, pulling together many different viewpoints and theories into one solid format to explain the many discrepancies.
Also, a new dvd is available called What Babies Want by Debby Takikawa, a pioneer in the field of pre and perinatal psychology.
Posted: Favourite books, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues
9
December
2006
Newborns probably able to feel pain: New research from the Karolinska Institute in Sweden said recently. Many doctors refrain from giving newborns pain relief during surgical procedures in the belief that they do not feel pain, but new research shows this could be wrong. See full article here.
It is alarming to me that so many doctors still believe that newborns don't feel pain. Working with babies to heal their birth trauma, and also working with adults with their birth trauma in a regressed state (and remembering my own) has made it very clear that pain is a reality for newborns.
Beyond "OUCH!" What does that mean? Well, we also know that at that very early and vulnerable state, babies develop beliefs about themselves and the world based on those experiences.
What does your baby believe about herself, how does she react to daily life that may trigger memories of pain?
What do the rest of you think?
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, crying, infant communication, parenting issues
8
December
2006
This recent post in a blog I just found moved me to tears. Margie, you eloquently stated the concerns, feelings, and inner conflict those who have been touched by adoption face and experience.
Thank you.
One of my passions is bringing healing to the experience of adoption. I advocate for the babies as they move through their early experience and help parents understand how to support their babies grief and loss while they are still young. (see my ebook for sale on this issue).
I also work with adult adoptees with their early experiences.
I am grateful to people like you, who are dedicated to understanding adoption and all its facets.
Posted: adoption, parenting issues
6
December
2006
I like this mom's honesty. Sometimes I think we remember things from when we were children differently. We remember what "sticks" for us. Perhaps those fabulous memories from when we were kids also included bickering and whining, but what we remember is the joy and shared experience of ritual.
I have only one daughter. Our family is very different from what I grew up in - I'm divorced and remarried to a man that isn't so passionate about Christmas, finds Christmas music annoying and gets totally stressed about gift buying/giving/recieving.
My daughter and I trimmed the tree the other day (we had the ritual of putting it together too, since we have a fake one) and each ornament held some memory from my childhood or younger adulthood…we told stories as we placed them on the tree, Christmas music in the background…it was very pleasant. Sweet, but a lot quieter than what I remember of a family of four affair.
Another tradition my family had when I was a child was to sing a carol for grace at dinner instead of our usual grace. We'd light an advent candle, either my sister or I would choose a carol, and we'd sing it as a family before eating. I love that memory.
I don't even own advent candles now. But I do sing a carol to my daughter each night for a lullaby.
It's changed, shifted, but the feelings are similar - closeness, family, magic…my daughter doesn't do the whiny thing. (Unless I am singing Christmas songs in public - no matter how quietly.)
So, what are some of your memories? Do you remember bickering and whining when you were a child, or just the "good stuff?" What do your kids do now?
Posted: parenting issues
20
November
2006
I came across this article in blogging baby (click for full article). Briefly, it says, "Judith Rich Harris believes that parents have no influence over personality, emotional well-being, or intelligence of their offspring." The author citing this quote was asking how can this be?
Here's my reply:
I believe it is obvious that parenting affects children's behaviour and emotional well-being, and intelligence. But as for outcome in life or personality parental influence is just one factor. Other factors include (but are not limited to) life expereiences, the inherent personality/temperment of the child, and other supportive people in their lives.
I do think that what she's saying is that today's parents often try too hard to provide everything for their kids and kids don't get the chance to develop self esteem thru overcoming adversity.
I don't think self esteem is something parents can GIVE or PROTECT…it is earned and developed by facing adversity in life and getting thru it successfully. If adversity isn't provided (i.e., life is so good b/c of "ultra perfect" parenting) then kids may create their own adversity thru acting out, developing fears and nightmares, attracting situations or making choices that result in adversity.
Personality is a combo of nature and nurture. Environment and genetics are so linked biologically it's nearly impossible to separate them. I have found with my clients, and in my own healing that beliefs about self can develop very early - prenatally/birth and early infancy. These "beliefs" about self then guide us in our life, our decisions, how we interpret the world around us and our relationships.
And of course, parents are a big part of that, but not the only factor, and certainly not necessarily an overriding one.
What are your thoughts?
Posted: Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, parenting issues
3
October
2006
Recently a client told me she'd promised herself never to feel guilty
as a mom after her baby was born, but that, "As soon as he popped
out, up popped the guilt!"
Why do we feel so guilty?
We love our children, that's why. And we want what's best for them.
As we become more and more aware of helpful ways to raise them, the
pressure increases to "do it right." Or, in different words, to
"not do it wrong." In our culture we are subject to the myth,
"happy baby = good parent." And if baby isn't happy, then we feel guilty.
I was helping a family with their baby several years ago, and they
were having a hard time with his ability to ride in the car seat.
His mother felt tremendously guilty every time she had to strap him in.
He would cry and cry throughout the entire car ride, and because she
believed she was doing something wrong (he was clearly not happy, there
must be something wrong) she eventually began to plan her days around
his difficulty with the car seat.
She stayed home more, waited to do errands until the evening or had her
husband do them, sent her regrets for invitations out when her baby
was invited, or got a babysitter.
She wanted to "do it right" and to her, that was met when her baby
was happy. Unfortunately, she wasn't happy. She felt isolated, burdened
and resentful of her baby. She was in a double bind. She couldn't
take him anywhere when she felt guilty doing so, and felt trapped when
she organized her life around this issue. As she got more and more upset,
so did her baby. He started sleeping irregularly, becoming irritable,
and clingy. Mom didn't like doing errands when her husband had just
gotten home, as it began affecting her relationship to a small degree as well.
When we got to the bottom of the issue - her guilt - and worked with it,
she realized that as his mother, it was okay for her to require things
of him that he didn't like that were for his safety, and ultimately for
the benefit of the whole family. She learned how to empathize with his
upset about the car seat, but remain confident that he was going to be okay.
The entire dynamic shifted in their family relatively quickly.
Learning to parent your baby is an ongoing process. Each day, each
development phase is new, and you are also changing as your baby grows.
Your needs change, as your baby's needs change.
If you are feeling guilty about any choices you've made, it can influence
your parenting in ways you may be unaware of. In fact, if you feel guilty
about something you have done, you put your child in charge of your
relationship.
What? How is that true?
Well, if you are feeling guilt, you are probably lacking confidence
about your actions. There is a "should have" or a "should not have"
in your thinking somewhere, and you feel regret without acceptance.
When you feel that way, you look to your baby to help you know that
you are an okay parent. How is my baby doing? Could be on some level,
"Please be doing okay so I can feel confident." Your choices and decisions
become based on your infant giving you "permission" to parent the way you
do. Just like in the example above where the baby had become in charge of
the daily activities, when the errands got done, and when his parents were
going to spend time together and as a family.
Doing this puts your confidence as a parent in your baby's hands.
And believe me, they feel it, and learn early that it's important to
take care of you (by not crying, sleeping well, being happy) in order
for their needs to be met. And it can be frightening for such a small
being to not have a parent that knows what they are doing.
Of course, you want to parent to your baby's needs, and one way to
determine that is their happiness. However, when that precludes your
own intuition, or the health of you or your family, you then are unable
to find solid footing for your choices. When will you be able to relax
with confidence that you are able to parent your baby in a way that works
for you BOTH?
We forget sometimes, that our needs are important too, and that being
confident about our parenting style and choices is perhaps more important
to our children than the style itself, barring abusive actions.
There are many ways to raise your child….and healthy, happy children
result from most of them. And it helps exponentially to let go of guilt,
and be the parent of your child in loving confidence, rather than your
child needing to assure you she's okay.
How can you learn to notice when guilt is a driving factor in your
parenting and what can you do about it? See below for tips to eliminating
guilt from your parenting.
Tips for eliminating guilt from your parenting:
- Your job isn't to keep your baby happy at all times.
Your job is to make decisions that will support them
in their growth, even if those decisions are for your
own self-care, or something they don't like. And then,
your job is to empathize and listen and help them
integrate any feelings that come up around the choices
you have made.
- Learn to trust yourself. Remember that no matter what,
your baby will be most likely fine. It's okay to make
mistakes, and the trust can come for you by knowing
that mistakes are okay for everyone. It's how we learn,
and you've NEVER parented THIS baby before. Trust that
whatever mistakes you think you made, are for you and
your baby to learn from.
- Babies are resilient. Although they can be affected
by small things, and are very sensitive to be sure,
they are also very sensitive to YOUR confidence level,
and need more than anything, for you to feel good about
your ability to be their mother or father.
- Get support for yourself when you feel that you've made
a mistake. Find someone who can empathize with your
fears and regrets, but can also assure you that you
are the parent, and your baby will be fine. Humility
as a parent is a quality that can help with this.
With humility, you can accept gracefully your regrets,
without putting your baby in charge of any future
choices you have.
You will be surprised at how easily shifts can occur when
you make a decision out of confidence, and with love for
yourself as well as your baby.
Posted: Newsletter, parenting issues
3
September
2006
Did you long to be a mom or dad? Did you wait and
wait for the time you could parent?
Or were you someone who loved your life, and was
ambivalent to give up that freedom to become a parent?
Either way, you could find yourself in a position
of resenting your baby as you give up more and
more of what you love to do, and more and more
of your time with your spouse and your friends,
to be the parent you want to be.
How do you learn to balance your needs with your
baby's needs?
A good question. And a big one.
I was someone who started dreaming of being a
mother when I was still in high school. Birth
control for me was spending as much time as I
could with other peoples' kids, to ease the longing.
I was also good with kids, and enjoyed it, so
when I did become a mother, I fell into it willingly
and naturally.
And it was all too easy to give up whatever life
I had outside of my role as a parent. I hardly even
noticed until my daughter was four years old, and I
split up with my husband. Suddenly, I was not able
to be the parent I had been for so long. I had to get
a job, find a preschool for Sidra, and I noticed I
didn't have much identity outside of being a mother.
To me, a good mom was always being there for my
daughter. Taking her with me wherever I went, rarely
needing a babysitter, and responding immediately to
her every need.
Now I was finding that putting everything I was into
motherhood set up two things: 1) a feeling of guilt
that if I wasn't able to continue, I was being a
"bad mom." And 2) it put Sidra in charge.
I began running my decisions about parenting from
that place of guilt, and to avoid feeling it, Sidra
- unbeknownst to me - was "in charge." Her every
need took precedence over anything I needed and it
cost us.
How could putting your child first be "wrong?"
It isn't wrong, but it can have consequences in the
long term that are difficult to see when your baby
is still young. It's true that as a parent of an
infant, we do need to prioritize differently than
if our child is older. But it's possible to take
it too far, and set up a long-term problem of the
child running the show.
It is possible to have such high standards, that
you give the message to your child that they are
more important than you are…setting up a culture
in your family that the parents' aren't important
or deserving of respect…that the children's needs
and wants always take priority.
So how do you recognize and shift a pattern like
this?
First of all, ask yourself, "Do I have enough time
with my partner or friends?" And, "Do I spend any
time nurturing myself, my spirituality, my hobbies?"
If the answer is no, you might be allowing your baby
to "take over" your identity.
Secondly, understand that by taking time for yourself
and your relationships, you model self-worth for your
child. Your baby will absorb the value that it's
important to treat herself well, as well as plant the
seeds for respecting you when she's older.
But where's the line? How do you know when to put
yourself first, and when to put your baby first?
To answer that, you need to first separate NEEDS
from WANTS for both you and your baby, and then
prioritize them. Roughly, it goes:
1) baby's needs
2) your needs
3) YOUR wants
4) Your baby's wants
Okay, I know this might be difficult to take in.
But it's true. Your wants can come before your
baby's wants…or at the very least, have as much
importance. Choosing what goes in each of the
above categories is not always black and white.
It will be individual for everyone, but there are
some guidelines to help you.
See "Things to Remember when prioritizing NEEDS
and WANTS" below.
Things to Remember when prioritizing NEEDS and WANTS:
- Ask yourself what kind of a parent will you be if you DON'T
take time for yourself. What do YOU need to be the parent
you want to be? Do you need to be nurturing your career?
Do you need to quit your job and be at home? Do you need an
hour each night for a long, relaxing bath? Do you need to
join a gym and have your baby in group care for a few hours
a day? It really depends on what is going to help you feel
more like yourself as you parent.
- Decide what you're doing daily that other's can help with.
Can someone else watch your baby and play with her at a
park or go for a walk while you do something for yourself?
This can be a difficult option if you don't feel you
can trust anyone else to take care of your baby the way
you can. Acknowledge that NO ONE can take
care of your baby the way you can and you need to take
time for yourself. It is okay to find someone
who can care for your baby and keep them safe and well while
you are away. Your baby probably will have a reaction to
being with someone new. This is an opportunity. By
allowing them to have an experience with another adult
who is different from you, you are helping them to build
inner strengths of coping, and understanding that there
are different people in the world.
- Understand that your adult relationships including the
basic parent relationship is of HUGE importance. If you
are a couple your relationship together is a major
source of strength and stability to you and your child.
It is vital that you spend time nurturing your adult relationships.
- If you don't feel okay about leaving your child, (provided
you have met their needs, and they are safe) your child will
sense that, and it may affect his ability to feel okay about it.
It's important, if you are feeling guilty for nurturing yourself,
in whatever form that takes, to look more deeply at what that might
be about for you. Bottom line, if you are okay about taking time
for you, you give yourself the space to empathize with your baby
without guilt, and teach him valuable lessons about who he is in
relationship to the world.
Allow the process of integrating who you were before the birth
of your baby with your new parental role. It may take a while,
but it's important to give yourself permission to sink deeply
into who you were before your baby came once in a while. Over
time, the balance will be more natural, and easier to find.
Posted: Newsletter, parenting issues