I grew up in a family that didn't fight. Well, other than my sister who fought and yelled and tantrumed well into her 20's….but my parents never fought.

They negotiated, discussed, debated, if they argued it wasn't in front of me. I don't know if they were ever really angry with each other. The most would be amusingly irritated with one another. Mostly I remember them being a solid, unified and reasonable foundation that I could fall into when I was upset.

I also never learned how to be angry, or what to do when I was. As an adult I learned how to handle my anger in therapy, how to "get my feelings out" and then talk about them reasonably with whoever I was in conflict with. I learned how to use "I" statements to avoid blaming, to stay with how I was feeling and not point my finger…I learned to own my own mistakes and blunders, etc…but I never had the opportunity to practice those skills then.

Generally, it takes a lot to get me angry. I find it pretty easy to be detached from other's reactions, to be able to stand and witness the anger of others without getting caught in the drama. (Another result of all the therapy.)

Until I met my ex. With my ex - the most recent one - I became volatile, often. This was a new side of me. I learned to become familiar with an out of control yelling, screaming, blaming, calling names person that I never knew was in me. This was not good. I was stressed and felt awful.

Before I left him however, I had found a way to react to him in a more balanced and healthy way - being angry without blame, etc…and learned to see my anger as a good thing. A message - something to pay attention to. "If he's doing something that I feel THIS angry about, I need to stop and pay attention!"

Now, taking these two extremes of my experience I've come to the conclusion (which may still evolve) that fighting can be a good thing, and can feel good to express and "have it out" when needed, but that fighting fair is really important. It's different from calmly stating you're angry - which also has a place I'm sure. But BEING angry is different from talking about it.

To be able to hold that high level of emotion, as your system is flooded with stress chemicals and the fight or flight response (making it really hard to think) and still be aware enough to keep yourself from blaming, calling names, criticizing, etc…but staying with your own experience, is not an easy thing. I don't think the average person can do it well. But if I'm going to be okay with having a fight, it's a must.

Also, I think it's good to have a strong enough sense of self to stand tall when someone else fights dirty, and to not get sucked in to it, or take it personally. To be able to see it as their issue, not about you. Also not easy (but one I'm pretty good at with all the practice I had from my ex).

So, I'm asking about your own personal experience with anger…and with fighting.
What was anger like in your family growing up? What have you learned, and/or how to you handle anger and fighting now? Is it different? The same?

It seems things are coming together for me: my practice, making friends, and now the latest is a better, more reliable car. Last summer, when my mom's broken leg had healed and she began using her car again it became clear I needed one of my own but I didn't yet have an income. So I borrowed from my mom's savings in order to purchase the first decent running rig I could find at an inexpensive price - that would fit my large pup and Sidra and her friends etc…I found and got a great deal on a 1992 Previa van.

And it uses a lot of fuel! A week ago I started seriously thinking about getting a scooter. My former brother in law was great in helping me think through this, and ultimately asked if I couldn't get a small car loan - he thought I should sell the Previa before something expensive happens to it and get something smaller and more economical.

Well, I guess I had it in my mind that I would always be stuck with a piece of junk car. Who would buy a 1992 Previa getting 15 mpg in the city???  Selling that thing would be the hardest part, and something I wanted to avoid. I have never liked selling cars. I don't like buying them either. I always feel like I'm going to get scammed - I'm pretty trusting and naive sometimes!

At my part-time job Monday morning, my boss asked, "What would it take for you to come in to work a split shift tonight?"  Jokingly, I said, "Well, you could buy my van…"  And you know what? He didn't laugh! He and his wife LOVE the older cars and have been looking for a PREVIA.

The dealership located a few miles away has just the car I want (better than the one I thought I'd get) for Kelly Blue Book price, and now I'm just waiting to hear if I can get financing for it.

So, I'm tight with cash right now…things are not happening as fast as I wanted them to in the attracting clients department, but bit by bit I'm making connections and getting my name known in ever-widening circles. But the way things are going I think my place in this town is forming. I think I won't have a problem.

Last year, I fell into THIS place - Wenatchee. A year later I'm following suit, feeling like its finally MY place.

I love it when things fall into place, don't you?  

Recently, research has shown that mothers who are exposed to high levels of stress during pregnancy have babies that are more likely to have asthma and/or allergies.  It was on the news just now, and you can read about it here.

The prenatal and perinatal psychology field has known about this for some time. In treating adults with allergies and asthma, as well as children and infants, when prenatal issues (emotional stress of mom, passed to baby) are addressed, the allergies dissipate. Often completely.

So while delighted that mainstream news and research is supporting the importance of the prenatal time period, what they didn't say was that it's treatable. 

If you have allergies, or if your child does, consider doing some work with a trained pre and perinatal counselor to address the issues that arose during pregnancy. You might find that your allergies are relieved.

I am feeling impatient being the new kid on the block…I know most of what I do will be successful due to word of mouth. And patience is necessary when making connections, going out into the community with what I have to offer, meeting new people and basically enjoying myself thoroughly with all the new folks I get to talk to and spend time with.

As far as I can tell, there are no other doulas in Wenatchee. There's one in Moses Lake, and one in Ellensburg…but for here, it's me. And I look forward to attending births again, really, I do…it's been a long time. But it's not my total intention. I really want a space to practice in, to help parents learn to connect and bond with their babies before birth, as well as after, and to remove the blocks that inhibit that bonding.

I think many people aren't aware that it's possible to look to their own history, their own beginnings prenatally and during birth to find patterns and beliefs that have shaped their lives. I don't think as a culture we are aware that babies are having their own individual experience of their prenatal live, of their birth, that can be separate from the Mother's experience. Or that unborn babies are recording everything that happens, some of which will shape how they feel about themselves, and their world and how they relate to others.

I feel so passionately about helping parents understand that what they do and say matters on so many levels…and that we can determine the level of stress a baby is in, and often remedy the cause. That crying, sleep difficulties, eating/nursing problems, are only some of the things that are thought of as Normal or "High Maintenance" or having a "spirited child"….when sometimes it might be adaptation to a stressful experience.

But I am not sure how to deliver this knowledge without scaring people away. I am not certain this community is interested in much beyond being "normal."

This is frustrating to me, but I live here, and here I stay - somewhat reluctantly - and so while I wait to be able to practice my passion, I continue to meet others, make friends here when I can, and having a heck of a time. 

My intention is to introduce myself and what I do to this community. I hope to articulate the main and basic principles of prenatal and perinatal psychology, but not get too detailed in that…Keep It Simple, Sweetie.

And the places I get stuck when I talk to people are citing studies and accurately describing them off the top of my head. If I am challenged in what I speak of, will I fumble and appear unprofessional and incompetent or gracefully field the comments and questions of skeptics? 

How many times can I refer to something I read, or was taught before I start looking like I don't have any first hand experience of my own? I do, but not always stories that are useful in illustrating a concept at hand.

ACK. I always feel like I need more training, and more experience…but if I keep getting more training I'll never get out there in the community to get the experience.

So, off I go this evening, and I hope people show up! Next week I start a class for individuals and couples expecting a baby…

If you are interested, please let me know! 

There is an epidemic of parents that give in to their kids, do whatever they can to prevent upset and disappointment, discouragement or failure. I think it's based on a belief that self-esteem grows from happiness, from not having anything bad happen.

I disagree…I believe self-esteem is developed from overcoming adversity…from tackling challenges and having difficult situations and working through them.

My daughter woke with plenty of time to get to school, 3 blocks away. She pouted on her bed for half an hour, not wanting to go, asking over and over if she had to…I finally said, "Look, you are in charge of your time this morning. You need to eat something, and we should leave by 7:40. I am not going to work harder than you at this…I am willing to be supportive and empathetic…but not if your attitude is going be this defiant and stubborn. You can choose how you want this to go, and you can choose to be late this morning, but you WILL go."

At 7:45, she'd eaten and asked me if all her things were in her backpack. "I don't know..that's your responsibility. And you should figure it out soon because your school starts in 15 minutes."

Oh boy. And no, I won't drive you. You sat and pouted for 1/2 and hour…these are the consequences…then she had to run back half a block to get her gym shoes.

She was late.
She was REALLY mad at me for not driving her the three blocks.

She is so scared, and it manifests as defiant and stubborn. She's begun three schools, including this one, and the first YEAR of each one was miserable because she does this…if it's not what she likes or is used to, she hates it. She glowers. But really, she's terribly terribly afraid and just wants friends. She knows NO ONE at this school, and going here is a decision made just two weeks ago.

I can certainly give her some slack and understanding. This is tough…

But I am not going to cop to her attitude, or rescue her from her own actions that bring about consequences she doesn't like.

When she does get through this, makes friends, gets used to the routine…she's going to feel that much more confident, and happy with herself.

In the meantime, when she's not around, my mama heart is very achy and worried.

Sidra is no longer a baby, so the rules are a bit different…
but ask yourself how often you relax your boundaries and
give in to what you've already said in order to make your
baby or toddler happy?

Ask yourself, is this action really to make my child happy,
or me?

She's been with her dad all week…well, actually, she's been with friends at the beach in Oregon, but I dropped her off at her dad's last weekend. 

She's been camping out on the floor of what used to be my mom's office. It was painted pink/mauve and a deeper shade of mauve for the trim…and she was getting sick of it. Even the ceiling was painted pinkish mauve. She wanted cream walls witih a deep purple trim.

And she's got it.  Also, the bed she hasn't slept in since she was on Pender (four months) is put together with new sheets and new throw pillows on it. She has a new (to her) dresser and a new desk.  I still have to put the desk together, and assemble some shelving, but I'll leave the moving in for her to do except some welcoming stuffed animals and her goth dolls which I'll put out.

I so enjoy doing things for her. She is loving and gracious, appriciative and grateful for gifts done for, and given to her…it makes it very easy to love doing it.  And she's not spoiled at all. There are plenty of things she doesn't get, those things that I don't think support her in her own beingness and growth, or things that cost more than I want to pay…but when I feel good about something she wants or needs, it is a gift to me to be able to do that for her.

Generocity ROCKS. 

Recently, I had a client that was having difficulty and was concerned with her baby daughter's eating and nursing habits. While some practical advice was warrented, my first questions were "did you have issues with food or eating when you were younger?" and "Did anything happen at Baby's birth around food?"  and also, "What was going on with your own relationship to food while you were pregnanat?"

There were  significant answers to all of these questions. First of all, Mom had had and eating disorder when she was younger and though was recovered, was quite anxious that her daughter NOT have issues with food. This level of energy put into eating and food clearly spoke to the baby as "beware, this is not just about easing hunger and accepting nourishment…this is something that is upsetting and worrisome."

Second of all, shortly after the birth Baby was taken to the nursury so mom could sleep. It seemed like a necessary separation for an over tired, under supported new mom, who has regretted it since. This regret about the separation was compounded by the fact that Baby was given formula against Mom's wishes. The guilt and anger Mom has felt about that has layered on top of the already existing negativity around food.

And lastly, the pregnancy itself was difficult in that Mom had a hard time keeping food down, and morning sickness lasted several months. she was, and still is, concerned that Baby wasn't getting enough nutrition, adding to even more anxiety around food.

So, knowing all that, it became clear that for this baby, eating and food were about much more than nutrition, and was not entirely comfortable at that.

During our session, I exposed the multilayered field of distress that Baby was experiencing and combined the practical aspects of introducing new foods, and timing of meals and nursing with some energy psychology techiques for both Mom's anxiety and Baby's experience and newly forming patterns.

Within a week, Mom reports that Baby is eating solids, and sleeping through the night. As well, she claims Baby is happy and relaxed, "Like a totally different baby!"

Although relationships between food and birth/prenatal issues are not obvious, they usually can be discovered with some insightful questions and educated interpretation.  If you think about it, the first time any of us took in nourishment was after implantaion, and was our first physical interaction with our mother.  Therefore, often, eating and food issues are directly related to issues with our mother, intimacy, connection, and survival.

Likewise, if we have other trauma from early in the pregnancy, it can manifest as issues with food. My own story is an example of that.

I lost a twin brother directly after implantation. I know this due to my own regressions, somatic memories and the way my life changed for the better in several ways after discovery and a healthy grieving process. During one of my sessions, I "felt" myself implant, and felt my twin fail to do so. I had the sense that there wasn't enough nutrition from our mother for both of us, and that I was "taking too much."  In my sensing of it, I had "landed" high on the uterine wall and my brother fell past me, unable to implant.

Fact: The embryo that is higher on the uterine wall tends to get more nutrition. I found this fact out after I verbalized the memory.

It all made sense. My paradoxical and lifelong struggle with food was a double bind. I had always felt that I ate (took) too much, but also that there was never enough.

Just a few sessions a few years ago addressed this dynamic and my relationship to food changed. I no longer struggled with a voice in my head telling me to eat that or not eat this…how much to eat, or how little. I was able to relax and enjoy food without the guilt and shame that had accompanied it for so long.  All my issues around food are not gone however, the habits of a lifetime didn't just dissapate…what changed was how I feel about it all. And that, now, is peaceful.

Please feel free to comment, or ask any questions you may have by clicking the title of this post and filling in the reply box. 

Carrie Contey and Debby Takikawa, two dedicated and passionate women, have written "CALMS: A Guide to Soothing Your Baby."

I wholeheartedly reccommend this book as a reference, a resource and a comfort to you as a parent. The skills you will learn are invaluable. "Honest, short, sweet and scientific, it offers parents and professionals a new view of babies and a tool kit for creating family harmony and parent-infant connection."

You can purchase this book from the What Babies Want website, or from Amazon . Or simply by callling 1-800-893-5070. 

Thank you Carrie and Debby!

You both are gifts to parents and infants everywhere. 

Well, she and I were talking over the fence and somehow the conversation got around to birth. Her friend is having a baby soon and wanted to have a natural labor and birth. My neighbor offered this advice, "Don't worry about drugs, or C-section…they're there if you need them."  She looked at me and said, "You probably would say something very different, right?"

I said, "Well, no actually. Medical technology is important and valuable, and she shouldn't worry about those things. Worry is one thing that can really contribute to a difficult labor. What I would say though, is to realize that what happens during birth matters to the baby. So if she were to need interventions of some sort, to talk to the baby and say why and include the baby in what is happening."

My neighbor asked what I meant by, "It matters to the baby." 

Well, for instance, if a baby has a C-section, it might be okay for the mother but the baby may feel terrified. Like if labor hasn't started (and it's the baby that starts labor by secreting the hormone that gets it all going) then Baby ins't ready…suddenly, from a baby's point of view, mom may be scared, baby goes numb, there is bright lights, people with masks on, and hands lifting me out of my space…that's a LOT. And don't think for a moment that babies wouldn't know to be frightened by surgical masks…their brains are wired to look for and recognize human faces and if the first thing they see is NOT that, it can be disorienting. I also said that beliefs and imprints about how the world works can be affected by other kinds of birth too - like other interventions, long labor…

My neighbor was curious and began, with relief said, "well, all my girls came out so fast!"

I said, well, that can be hard too sometimes. Really fast labors can lead to transition issues…like "everytime something is going to change I need to do whatever I can to slow it down." Or, "Going from one place or situation to another is SCARY, I have to avoid it, or brace myself for it. If I get out of control something bad can happen." They may stall, procrastinate, get really emotional, come unglued, or be very controlling of what happens.

By this time, this young mother's jaw was hanging open and she was staring at one of her daughters. "You just described Malory" she said.  I wasn't surprised. This happens a lot, where I describe belief patterns that fit with a certain type of birth…

We began talking about other things that can affect us even as far back as prenatal. Her mother had an anxiety disorder during her gestation, and that of her siblings. All of them have issues with anxiety. it isn't just genetic, I said. It's a learned response pattern.

And it can be changed. We know, and are learning more every day, about how to change neurological pathways in the body. Regular counseling and therapy doesn't do it…these imprints are in the BODY, in the cells…healing happens at that level, not by talking or expressing emotions (although these are useful and helpful things to do too). It is possible to access memory held in the body and release trauma patters. 

And it is possible to do so for babies and children as well, so that these patterns and mistaken beliefs don't limit the life of an individual.

My neighbor headed inside to talk to her husband excitedly. 

I love over the fence chats!