October
2006
Is it possible to parent your child without guilt? (click here to reply)
Recently a client told me she'd promised herself never to feel guilty
as a mom after her baby was born, but that, "As soon as he popped
out, up popped the guilt!"
Why do we feel so guilty?
We love our children, that's why. And we want what's best for them.
As we become more and more aware of helpful ways to raise them, the
pressure increases to "do it right." Or, in different words, to
"not do it wrong." In our culture we are subject to the myth,
"happy baby = good parent." And if baby isn't happy, then we feel guilty.
I was helping a family with their baby several years ago, and they
were having a hard time with his ability to ride in the car seat.
His mother felt tremendously guilty every time she had to strap him in.
He would cry and cry throughout the entire car ride, and because she
believed she was doing something wrong (he was clearly not happy, there
must be something wrong) she eventually began to plan her days around
his difficulty with the car seat.
She stayed home more, waited to do errands until the evening or had her
husband do them, sent her regrets for invitations out when her baby
was invited, or got a babysitter.
She wanted to "do it right" and to her, that was met when her baby
was happy. Unfortunately, she wasn't happy. She felt isolated, burdened
and resentful of her baby. She was in a double bind. She couldn't
take him anywhere when she felt guilty doing so, and felt trapped when
she organized her life around this issue. As she got more and more upset,
so did her baby. He started sleeping irregularly, becoming irritable,
and clingy. Mom didn't like doing errands when her husband had just
gotten home, as it began affecting her relationship to a small degree as well.
When we got to the bottom of the issue - her guilt - and worked with it,
she realized that as his mother, it was okay for her to require things
of him that he didn't like that were for his safety, and ultimately for
the benefit of the whole family. She learned how to empathize with his
upset about the car seat, but remain confident that he was going to be okay.
The entire dynamic shifted in their family relatively quickly.
Learning to parent your baby is an ongoing process. Each day, each
development phase is new, and you are also changing as your baby grows.
Your needs change, as your baby's needs change.
If you are feeling guilty about any choices you've made, it can influence
your parenting in ways you may be unaware of. In fact, if you feel guilty
about something you have done, you put your child in charge of your
relationship.
What? How is that true?
Well, if you are feeling guilt, you are probably lacking confidence
about your actions. There is a "should have" or a "should not have"
in your thinking somewhere, and you feel regret without acceptance.
When you feel that way, you look to your baby to help you know that
you are an okay parent. How is my baby doing? Could be on some level,
"Please be doing okay so I can feel confident." Your choices and decisions
become based on your infant giving you "permission" to parent the way you
do. Just like in the example above where the baby had become in charge of
the daily activities, when the errands got done, and when his parents were
going to spend time together and as a family.
Doing this puts your confidence as a parent in your baby's hands.
And believe me, they feel it, and learn early that it's important to
take care of you (by not crying, sleeping well, being happy) in order
for their needs to be met. And it can be frightening for such a small
being to not have a parent that knows what they are doing.
Of course, you want to parent to your baby's needs, and one way to
determine that is their happiness. However, when that precludes your
own intuition, or the health of you or your family, you then are unable
to find solid footing for your choices. When will you be able to relax
with confidence that you are able to parent your baby in a way that works
for you BOTH?
We forget sometimes, that our needs are important too, and that being
confident about our parenting style and choices is perhaps more important
to our children than the style itself, barring abusive actions.
There are many ways to raise your child….and healthy, happy children
result from most of them. And it helps exponentially to let go of guilt,
and be the parent of your child in loving confidence, rather than your
child needing to assure you she's okay.
How can you learn to notice when guilt is a driving factor in your
parenting and what can you do about it? See below for tips to eliminating
guilt from your parenting.
Tips for eliminating guilt from your parenting:
- Your job isn't to keep your baby happy at all times.
Your job is to make decisions that will support them
in their growth, even if those decisions are for your
own self-care, or something they don't like. And then,
your job is to empathize and listen and help them
integrate any feelings that come up around the choices
you have made. - Learn to trust yourself. Remember that no matter what,
your baby will be most likely fine. It's okay to make
mistakes, and the trust can come for you by knowing
that mistakes are okay for everyone. It's how we learn,
and you've NEVER parented THIS baby before. Trust that
whatever mistakes you think you made, are for you and
your baby to learn from. - Babies are resilient. Although they can be affected
by small things, and are very sensitive to be sure,
they are also very sensitive to YOUR confidence level,
and need more than anything, for you to feel good about
your ability to be their mother or father. - Get support for yourself when you feel that you've made
a mistake. Find someone who can empathize with your
fears and regrets, but can also assure you that you
are the parent, and your baby will be fine. Humility
as a parent is a quality that can help with this.
With humility, you can accept gracefully your regrets,
without putting your baby in charge of any future
choices you have.
You will be surprised at how easily shifts can occur when
you make a decision out of confidence, and with love for
yourself as well as your baby.