March
2007
My Baby Makes Me So Mad I Don’t Recognize Myself!
Several clients have shared with me the frustration of feeling their identity slip away from them as they move into the role of mother.
I wrote an article on that a few months ago on that very subject (find it here). In this article, I discuss how to prioritize your needs and wants to help find balance in your life and integrate your new role as a parent.
Recently, I was reminded that it wasn't only the role itself, but how the emotions that were triggered by her baby were so new and unfamiliar that my client said, "these feelings are all so new! I just don't recognize myself with how I am acting!"
Have you ever reacted to your baby in ways that are completely foreign to you?
I can tell you although I spent many years - decades even - caring for the children of others all day long, that once I had my own baby, caring for her was surprising in its intensity.
I found myself with a range of emotions during the day that went deeper, came out quicker, and were more difficult to manage than anything I had ever experienced before.
My frustration when she wouldn't sleep caused me to get angry in a way that that I had never experienced in myself. I had always been so easy-going and calm, but when she, as a toddler, wouldn't nap I found myself so angry that I wanted to hit her!
And I never felt I was a very controlling person, but if Sidra didn't do what I wanted her to do - NEEDED her to do for my own sanity - I sometimes would just fall apart.
Does any of this sound familiar?
My experience, both with myself and with clients has taught me that this is not unusual.
If you've ever heard someone say, "Your child will push every button you have" you might have thought it an exaggeration…I know I did, after all, I took care of a zillion babies and children, my buttons had been pushed if they were going to get pushed at all!
Right?
Wrong!
Why do our own children bring out in us the characteristics that we don't want to see - indeed, the things we don't even know are THERE?
There is a connection we have with those that are most special to us, and that depth of intimacy has as its core the ability to illuminate all that is needing healing. A phrase I really like is:
Love Brings Up Everything Unlike Itself.
You may have experienced this with a life partner. But who knew that a tiny little person like your baby could evoke the kind of reactions and feelings you are finding yourself having?
Our babies are our teachers in many ways. (I know, I've got clichés coming out my ears in this article!) But it's true.
Think about what bugs you the most about your baby, or her behaviour? What is it that is wanting to get looked at inside you? Is it a control issue? Is it a deep fear of being good enough? Are you neglecting to process and heal uncomfortable feelings about being a mother or father?
Many times it's important to stop focusing on how to change our babies so that we can be happier, but take a good look at what's happening inside ourselves that is being reflected by them, or drawn out by them.
What unconscious dynamic is your baby reacting to when he has difficult behaviours? When he won't sleep, or when he resists your comfort?
Yes, often a baby is trying to tell you of his own experience and looking for empathy…but if this is resonating for you, maybe look honestly inside yourself for the places that are resistant to being a mother. Or seek to resolve the unresolved issues from your past that might be in the field of awareness within your family.
If you are finding yourself at odds with your baby, and triggered emotionally more than you ever thought you could be, be reassured you are not alone, or even unusual.
And then find the support you need to look inside yourself to identify and heal.
When I finally got support for the frustration I felt when my toddler wouldn't nap, I found a new level of awareness of what being a toddler was like for me, growing up in my family, and was able to move through some issues that I would never have found if not for my daughter.
And although she didn't settle down for a nap after that, (instead she stopped taking them), more importantly, I stopped trying to control her which was making us both miserable.
When we take responsibility for our own emotions and reactions, we have a whole new world open to us as a way of knowing ourselves and our babies more deeply. And with any luck, we can become more of who we are, which is really what our babies ask of us anyway.
This is so cool. I just read this article, substituting my adult students, and also my artwork for “baby”. It works just as well for both of these. Both are mirrors of what needs loving within myself. And they’re relieved I’m not taking responsibility for their stuff too. (Yes, a painting has a life of its own.)
Celeste