What Your Baby Knows

Was Your Baby “Late?” (click here to leave comments/questions)

"When are you due?"  That is probably the most commonly asked question to any woman who is obviously pregnant. And the answer is usually a date, one day - my daughter was due on December 20th.  But she wasn't born until the 28th. Did that make her "late?"

Only 4% of babies are born on their due date.  Most are born within what I call the "due zone" - two weeks before, and two weeks after the "date."  It leaves a bit more room to allow a baby to find her time to be born before sending messages about "hurry up" or "you're late."

Do these messages really matter?

Let me tell you my story.

My mom's version: I was due on her birthday, and began showing signs of being born the week before. Two weekends in a row the obstetrician canceled his ski weekend because he thought my mom would go into labor and he didn't want to be away when she did.  However, I scooted back up in the womb and stayed put. I had songs about coming out sung to me, and threats of being named Llewellyn if I didn't come out soon. Another week went by, it was now two days past my due "date" and the doctor didn't want to cancel another weekend so he decided to have me induced.

Labor hadn't started and he admisisterd pitocin to my mother, gave her an epidural, and contractions began with frequency and intensity right away. I was born two hours later.  I was given to my mother right away, because I wasn't crying and she needed to see I was alright.

My version (learned though several regressions and various forms of energy work): I wasn't quite ready to come out yet. I was trying to figure out when, and I did push myself back up in the womb - leaving my tiny arm over my head blocking the birth canal.  I was feeling peaceful and secure when, without warning, I was hit with a drug that made my heart race followed by contractions so strong and so close together that I couldn't get enough oxygen in between them.  I was terrified, and it felt like I was dying. I felt forced out of a tranquil state into a car crash of labor. And my arm that had been above my head was now trapped between my head and my mom's pelvic bone. It fractured during the turn through the pelvis, and soon after that I was out.  I was in shock, and grieving.

I was met with smiles and tears of joy. Although I wasn't very "late" and I didn't really get that message, the message I did get was "My timing isn't important." Which, accompanied by my pain and fear not being seen and empathized with translated to "I am not important,"  "The needs of others' are more important than mine."

When I think of babies who are told to "hurry up" and who are induced, or given a C-section due to their "lateness" (if it's within the two weeks after the "date" and otherwise not medically necessary) I wonder, how are parents going to know what their baby is feeling and thinking about? How will they know to respond to what the baby experienced in an empathetic way?

For me, those decisions I made became beliefs about myself and many of my decisions about who I was and how I lived and played were guided by those beliefs. For instance, as a playmate I was quick to share and hand over what I was playing with. To everyone else it looked like I was very kind and mature for my age, but really, it was motiviated by a belief that I didn't get to have what I wanted or needed, and that whoever was asking for the toy I was using deserved it more than I did. Really, it was the beginning of my lifelong "disease to please" which took years of personal work to heal from. 

I had to learn to say "No" to others, learn to find my own timing (by the way, I was a stickler for promptness - if I was late I would get really anxious), and learn to value myself.

So, message we give our soon to be, and newborn babies are very important.  How we feel, what we say, the motives behind our actions and thoughts are all absorbed and understood and translated by each individual baby in ways we don't always know.

And this isn't just my experirence - clients and collegues I've worked with all have "core beliefs" that guide their path through life, and often these are mistaken beliefs originating sometime around birth and reinforced during infancy.

My daughter didn't come on her due date - she was born eight days later, and I told her, "I can hardly wait to meet you. You find the right time for you to be born, and we'll be ready."

What are some messages your baby got - positive and negative - when he was new? Do you see any patterns of behaviour or preferences that match up with possible mistaken beliefs he might have?

Do you notice patterns of behaviour or beliefs of your own and are are beginning to wonder if they originated at or before your birth? Please share your story and wonderings! 

Posted under: Newsletter, Pre- and Perinatal Psychology, amazing newborns, infant communication, parenting issues