November
2006
What is the extent of parental influence on baby’s personality? (click here to reply)
I came across this article in blogging baby (click for full article). Briefly, it says, "Judith Rich Harris believes that parents have no influence over personality, emotional well-being, or intelligence of their offspring." The author citing this quote was asking how can this be?
Here's my reply:
I believe it is obvious that parenting affects children's behaviour and emotional well-being, and intelligence. But as for outcome in life or personality parental influence is just one factor. Other factors include (but are not limited to) life expereiences, the inherent personality/temperment of the child, and other supportive people in their lives.
I do think that what she's saying is that today's parents often try too hard to provide everything for their kids and kids don't get the chance to develop self esteem thru overcoming adversity.
I don't think self esteem is something parents can GIVE or PROTECT…it is earned and developed by facing adversity in life and getting thru it successfully. If adversity isn't provided (i.e., life is so good b/c of "ultra perfect" parenting) then kids may create their own adversity thru acting out, developing fears and nightmares, attracting situations or making choices that result in adversity.
Personality is a combo of nature and nurture. Environment and genetics are so linked biologically it's nearly impossible to separate them. I have found with my clients, and in my own healing that beliefs about self can develop very early - prenatally/birth and early infancy. These "beliefs" about self then guide us in our life, our decisions, how we interpret the world around us and our relationships.
And of course, parents are a big part of that, but not the only factor, and certainly not necessarily an overriding one.
What are your thoughts?
You are so right. I look back on all the fretting we did for our boys when they were babies. We were way over board in terms of being protective. I guess we were the really version of the “helicopter parents” in today’s expression. Hovering and fretting. I remember every time a baby bottle was dropped, one of us rushed to sanitize it.
By the time our second came and the bottle flew in the dirt, we just flicked the dirt off and gave it back. Not so much wisdom as being tired.
But I have noticed our youngest son is more sure-footed in the world. We did less hovering with him and I think it has paid off. He had more bruised knees, but he knows more about himself.
The greatest joy is watching two very different personalities and ways of being emerge as they grow. When I see that, there is no doubt in my mind that while we parents are important, we are but a part of what is shaping them.
I ‘hovered a lot with Sidra after her dad and I divorced. Before that, not so much due to the fact that I had been helping care for children for so long that I wasn’t worried about the little things like dirt on a bottle nipple.
But after the divorce, I was so consumed with guilt for “doing that to her” that I became microanalyticpsychoemotionallyparanoid about every upset she had - from pain in the butt friends to the “right” preschool teacher to over explaining EVERYTHING to make sure her life was as perfect as I could make it to make up for the fact that I divorced her dad.
My current husband called me on it first. He supported me in letting her go somewhat (she was 8 by then) and pretty much held me while I agonized over her needing to find her own way and through her own painful experiences. I supported her for sure, was there, listened etc…but I had to back off from solving her problems, and realize that I had been doing that.
She went through some nightmares, some bullying at school, and fear of trying anything new - especially if it was a physical activity, and racking sobs about not living closer to her friends in another city…but she is so strong in herself now - at almost 11 - that I reel back in the glow of her inner strength, her desire to be independent, her curiosity.
And I can now see how parental guilt can affect our parenting and help others with that!